Misery Loves Company
by kawaiinoodle
Summary: Sebastian Michaelis is a depressed, obsessive-compulsive, miserable, unlucky in love, book shop worker. Ciel Phantomhive is a bright, young, happy, and successful university student. How will these two unlikely companions fall in love? AU/OOC, rated M for yaoi and language.
1. Books

_I told you I'd be back with a new SebxCiel fic :) This one's gonna be loooonnnnggg! Expect at least 40,000 words, probably more._

* * *

Darkness was his comforting friend. Loneliness was his lover. Misery was his world. Sebastian Michaelis had nothing. Maybe there was something, once. But whatever it was disappeared. He didn't remember a time when he was happy. He had no recollection of a lighter, better life. As far as he knew, he had been miserable forever.

Ciel Phantomhive, on the other hand, was the complete opposite. He had no recollection of every being unhappy, not even close. Depression was a foreign concept. Misery was some distant disease that would never infect him. As far as he knew, he was immune.

…

Sebastian trudged slowly through the sludge and dirt of the East End. The sky was dreary, the ground murky, and Sebastian himself, a mixture of both. He was walking to work, just like he did everyday, just like he had everyday for the past eight years.

He had attended university, graduated, and had had a job. Unfortunately, the job had not become a career, and he had been laid off. And that flicker of happiness that might have been, never was.

He worked in a small book shop. Nothing special, and it was certainly no _Notting Hill_, but it paid the bills. And if Sebastian ever wanted to achieve something nice, he would have to start with the bills. He had read a book once, about money. Money did not achieve happiness, according to the book, but to Sebastian, it seemed like it would certainly help him on the way.

The book shop was dank, drab, and devoid of any color or humor. Sebastian thought, on more than one occasion, that he would decorate the place, maybe something visually appealing could help him. But just like all of his many attempts at becoming happy, decorating didn't work. He ended up tearing a few posters apart, and shattering a mirror. No, decorating did not help him.

He stepped into the shop, taking off his gloves, coat and scarf. He meticulously placed them on the coat rack. The scarf was crooked, he straightened it out, spending several minutes on making sure it was perfect. When Sebastian was satisfied, he moved over to the counter, bent down underneath, grabbed a fresh wipe, and brushed the counter off, despite there being no dust. He disposed of the wipe, took another one, and began to swipe off all of the bookshelves. The whole process took an hour.

The shop was ready to be opened. Sebastian flipped the sign over, making it read 'open' on the outside and 'closed' on the inside. He drew the blinds open, and peeked out the window. This part of town was usually empty. There was no point in expecting any customers anytime soon. He would be alone for a few hours.

Sebastian passed the time by cleaning some more. After the shop was completely spotless, in fact, far superior to spotless, he took a random book off one of the shelves. He blushed slightly; it was an erotic novel. He quickly shoved it back onto the shelf. He took another one, a classic. He read three chapters before a customer walked in.

"Why is it so dark in here?"

Sebastian jumped. He hadn't heard anybody walk in. He stood up hurriedly, dropping the book to the floor as he did so. "I apologize, sir. The electricity bill was too high-" He stopped mid-sentence, noticing the man who stood in front of him. He was the most beautiful man Sebastian had ever seen. Porcelain, smooth, soft looking skin, raven hair, and the two biggest, bluest eyes, he had ever beheld. Sebastian blushed slightly, before averting his eyes. _You don't have a chance, Sebastian. Men like that don't go for men like you._

The customer smiled. "Do you own this shop?"

"No, the owner is ill, so I take care of it for him. But he's been sick for years, so I guess I might as well own the place, I've been here for eight years after all..." Sebastian stopped. _Don't talk too much. He'll think you've been starved of human companionship with the way you're going_. Then he nearly laughed at himself. _But you are starved. When is the last time you had a real conversation, Sebastian?_

The customer's smile widened. "I've been by this place a few times. It's the only building on this street that doesn't look like it's been through the apocalypse." He grinned. "I guess I have you to thank for that, right?"

Sebastian very nearly blushed again. _Contain yourself._ "I clean it everyday," he said it proudly.

"How much do you make, if you don't mind me asking? You see, I'm doing a project for a class at school. I'm supposed to gather data from all over the place. Rich, poor, the middle-class, and everyone in between."

"I make enough to pay the bills," Sebastian said, knowing very well he was on the poor end of the spectrum.

The young man wrote something down. "What's your name?"

"Sebastian Michaelis."

He jotted it down, then reached out his own hand. "Ciel Phantomhive."

Sebastian took it.


	2. Interview

Ciel left the book shop, walking back into the cold, drab day. He stuffed his notebook into his backpack and started down the street, getting to a bus stop.

Sebastian Michaelis was odd, there was no denying that. He was lanky and pale. Almost emaciated looking. And yet, he seemed to have muscles under that plain brown sweater of his. He was handsome, but it was underplayed. His personality was strange; he had opened the door and closed it three times after Ciel had left. His eyes kept flickering around, like he was nervous or even scared.

Ciel decided that Sebastian was creepy. He retook the notebook out, after he had found a seat on the bus. He began to write, already knowing his report would primarily be about Sebastian.

_Mr. Michaelis appears to suffer from Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. He is also decidedly depressed, as his demeanor and body language appear to express. He might also be bipolar, although I will have to further glean some information from him to find out for sure. I will go back to the book shop tomorrow to study Mr. Michaelis a bit more. _

Ciel set the pencil down, feeling slightly guilty about the things he was writing. He felt like he was intruding on the poor man, and maybe using him. It was obvious Sebastian needed some company. Ciel was almost sure the man had never had a proper friend. He was socially-awkward, as if he had never even been in a real social situation, whereas Ciel was the complete polar opposite. He had many friends, many people he cared about, and there were many people who cared about him. He suspected that Sebastian had no one.

_I should be his friend. His real friend. He won't just be a subject in some report. _The bus stopped; it wasn't at Ciel's stop yet. He would have to ride quite a ways before he even reached the West End.

He lived a world apart from the odd man in the book shop. Ciel was wealthy. Sebastian wasn't. Ciel was happy. Sebastian wasn't. Ciel lived in the West End. Sebastian lived in the East End. They would be the unlikeliest of friends.

When he had boarded a total of three different buses, he finally reached his stop. It was almost two blocks away from his home. He was tired. It had been a long day. Ciel had spent hours in a classroom, he had listened to countless, forgettable lectures, and he had already bounced all over London, preening various individuals like Sebastian.

"Alois, can you drive over here and pick me up? I'm too tired to walk," Ciel said, talking into his phone.

There was a snort on the other end. "Too tired or too lazy?"

"Just shut up and come get me!"

"Alright, alright...Bitch."

"Bastard." Ciel hung up.

Alois Trancy had been his roommate for over two years. They had been friends for as long as Ciel could remember, enduring everything together, from the first day of primary school, to the day they graduated high school.

Ciel waited for several minutes, the sun was nonexistent, and the sky was darkening. Cold dropped to freezing in a matter of seconds. He swore, watching his breath in front of him. He finally saw the black Mercedes pull up. He jumped into the front seat, smacking Alois on the head.

"What the hell was that for?!" Alois yelled.

"I was freezing my-"

Alois put his hand over Ciel's mouth. "I don't want to hear about your _extremities_ freezing off. Now where were you all day?"

"Interviewing people."

Alois laughed. "For that stupid report, the one Professor Spears assigned? God, you take school way too seriously."

Ciel rolled his eyes. "Well, when your parents money runs out, don't come crawling to me for help."

"Fuck you."

Alois pulled onto the curb and turned the engine off.

They walked into the flat, Alois yawning. "I'm going to bed. Night, Ciel." He waved at Ciel and disappeared into his bedroom.

Ciel sat down at the kitchen counter, looking rifling through his notes. He studied each of the interviews, going back to Sebastian's several times. Yes, his report would be about Sebastian. Sebsatian was the only interesting person out of all of them. Strange, mysterious, and potentially dangerous, (although Ciel thought that pretty unlikely.)

Spears was his Psychology professor. He was young, wore tiny glasses, and he appeared to be very lazy. Most of the work he gave was useless, 'busy' work. Stuff to keep his students occupied. It was a shame, seeing as Ciel was greatly interested in psychology and the mind in general.

Spears latest assignment was to interview people from various walks of life and then write a report about one of them. No doubt several people would bullshit the assignment and make everything up. Ciel was probably one of the few exceptions. He read over the Sebastian notes a few more times, deciding that in the morning he would string the report together.

_Ciel: How old are you?_

_ Sebastian: Twenty-six._

_ Ciel: Did you go to college?_

_ Sebastian: Yes. I graduated, but my career didn't work out._

_ Ciel: What did you major in?_

_ Sebastian: Creative Writing._

_ Ciel: So what, you wanted to be a journalist, a writer, what?_

_ Sebastian: I hoped to be a writer. I guess working in a book shop is the next best thing._

Ciel remembered Sebastian saying those words. The poor man had almost smiled, albeit wistfully. He felt bad for him. He pitied him. Sebastian was one of those people who deserved happiness and yet, everything fell through, time and time again.

They had talked for nearly two hours. Sebastian had prattled on, almost incessantly. Ciel would have been annoyed, under other circumstances. But Sebastian was just too interesting. He didn't know his parents, he had been raised in the foster care system, and yet somehow he had built a life for himself. But it was obvious that it wasn't a good life.

_Ciel: When did things start to go wrong for you?_

_ Sebastian: They've been wrong for as long as I can remember._

_ Ciel: Why?_

_ Sebastian: I don't know._

Ciel feared for Sebastian. That hollow, empty look in his eyes, had nearly broken Ciel's heart, despite him not even really knowing the man. What was Sebastian capable of? Would he commit suicide? Maybe he would, sooner or later, if Ciel didn't intervene. Now not only did he need to be Sebastian's friend, he needed to be his saviour.

He eventually went to bed, lying awake under the covers for another hour or so, thinking about the strange man in the book shop. When he woke up in the morning, his eyes were droopy and red.

"Someone didn't get any beauty sleep," Alois remarked, as Ciel groggily trounced into the kitchen. "Did you get wasted or something last night? Or are you high right now? Your eyes are really red."

Ciel sighed. "Did I tell you about the man I interviewed yesterday?"

Alois shook his head, slurping out of a milk carton.

"His name is Sebastian Michaelis. He works in a dingy book shop in the East End."

Alois set the carton down, wiping milk off his face and licking his lips. "Go on."

"He's strange, I don't think he has any friends-"

"Ha! Ciel the saint, wanting to be mates with everybody. I love you man, you know that right?"

Ciel rolled his eyes. (He did that an awful lot with Alois.) "He's got OCD too, and I think he might be suicidal. I want to help him. Maybe I could invite him to one of your parties."

Alois laughed. "Ciel, I know you think that sounds like a good idea, but it's not. I'm all for you making a new mate, but his kind don't mix with our kind. Shit, that sounded rude. I mean, he's just not going to fit in, if he's 'strange' like you say."

Ciel nearly punched Alois. "Don't you ever say 'his kind' or 'our kind' like we're superior. We aren't, Alois. Sebastian may be strange, he might even be a little creepy, but he's a good guy. And I want to do all I can to help him out, make him feel like people care. Do you remember when my parents died? And you were there for me?" Ciel hated bringing it up, but sometimes when Alois drove him over the edge, he would bring it up just to make Alois angry.

"Oh, you're seriously going there, Ciel? Your parents died when we were like nine. And you had your Aunt Angie, don't act like their deaths changed you, because you know they didn't." Alois opened the refrigerator, browsing for something to eat.

_He __**is **__right. I hardly even remember my parents. I've been a privileged, spoiled brat my whole life._ "So yes or no? Can I invite Sebastian to a party?"

"You never listen to me anyway, Ciel. Do whatever the bloody hell you want. I'm not your mum." Alois was smiling as he said it. _I can't stay mad at Ciel no matter how hard I try._

"I love you," Ciel said, winking.

"As much as I usually love your whole aura of gayness, I have a date today. With a girl. A pretty girl. And I'll be having the party tomorrow night, so buy some drinks. You can take your project Sebastian too." Alois decided on a half eaten slice of pizza.

Ciel plopped down onto the couch and slid his laptop over towards him from the coffee table. He began to type his report, all the while thinking: _Sebastian isn't my project, right? I'm going to be his friend. I'm going to really care about him. He's not just a report._

_The Book Shop: A look into the life of Sebastian Michaelis. _It was a cheesy title, Ciel would dispose of it later. He eventually got up to shower and dress. He typed a few more sentences, saved, closed, put on a coat and scarf, waved at Alois, and started towards Sebastian's book shop.

The shop was dark, just as it had been the previous day. Ciel stepped in, "Sebastian," he called.

The man appeared from behind a shelf, holding a novel in his hand. His fingers appeared to be deliberately hiding the cover image. But Ciel could see the title. _His Everything, a tale of Seduction_. Ciel smiled slightly. _So I'm not the only one who comes up with cheesy titles._ Ciel decided to ignore the book and the fact that it was most likely a homosexual erotic novel. "Hey, Sebastian."

Sebastian's face was red.

Ciel ignored that too.

"C-Ciel. Hello." Sebastian actually shoved the book back onto the shelf. "What are you doing back here?"

"I need some more information, for my report. I decided that it's going to be about you."

Sebastian's face went scarlet. "About, about, me?" He stuttered. "Why?"

Ciel laughed, trying very hard not to think about why Sebastian's face was so red. "Because you're interesting. You're cool." _That's a stretch, Ciel._

"I'm cool?"

"Yeah. Do you maybe want to go to a party with me tomorrow? My roommate throws these awesome parties, I think you might like it."

"Like as your date?" Sebastian said, and then quickly put a hand over his mouth. "That's not what I meant..." he trailed off. "I meant..."

"It's fine," Ciel said abruptly. "I'll pick you up tomorrow night, where do you live?"

Sebastian didn't speak for several seconds.

"It's okay, you know, I don't care where you live. I won't be freaked out or anything."

Sebastian finally spoke, clearing his throat as he did so. "Thank you," he said softly. He gave Ciel his address.

"Cool. Let's get on with part two of my interview."

_Ciel: How was your childhood?_

_ Sebastian: I don't really remember it._

_ Ciel: What do you mean you don't remember it? Not even when you were a teenager?_

_ Sebastian: There's a few memories here and there. None of them are happy though. _

_ Ciel: Did something happen to you, Sebastian?_

_ Sebastian: I don't know._

_ Ciel: Are you sure?_

_ Sebastian: I'm sure._

But Ciel knew he was lying. Sebastian's eyes told a very intriguing story. Ciel was going to figure out the man's secrets. Why was Sebastian Michaelis so miserable?

* * *

_A/N: We shall find the answer to that question soon :) Of course, Ciel and Sebastian have to go to Alois's party first, and maybe, just maybe, romance will spark..._


	3. Friend

_Do I see a love triangle brewing?_

* * *

The day passed by at an excruciatingly slow pace. Sebastian glanced up at the clock every few minutes, waiting for the precise minute when Ciel was supposed to arrive. He had said seven, it was 6:54. Part of Sebastian was excited at going to a party with Ciel, part of him was nervous, and part of him was terrified.

Terrified at the prospect of potentially interacting with someone. Potentially making a friend. Friends were a foreign concept to Sebastian. He had never had one before. Sure there had been a few people in his life, people he thought were significant, but had betrayed him. People tended to do that.

He also wondered about Ciel. Was the man just playing with him? Ciel was wealthy and popular, and lived in a whole different world. Sebastian was smart enough to know that people like Ciel didn't go around with people like him, regardless of how nice they appeared to be. So why was Ciel on his way here, right now, to hang out with _him_? Of course, there was a high probability that Ciel would not even show up. And then Sebastian would know that it was all some kind of cruel joke. He hoped that wasn't the case.

The phone rang. He jumped, startled that someone was actually calling. Sebastian had almost forgotten what a telephone ring tone even sounded like. He picked the phone up, fingers trembling slightly. "He-hello?" He said nervously. _Calm down, Sebastian. It's a phone conversation. Just a phone conversation. _

"Hey, Sebastian, it's Ciel. I'm on my way right now, sorry I'll probably be a bit late, Alois decided to start the party early. By the way, is this your house phone?"

Sebastian's heart started to beat faster. "Yes..." he said slowly.

"Oh, cool, yeah, I'll be there in a few minutes."

Static. Sebastian set the phone down, studying it for a second. _Is there something wrong with a land line?_ He didn't own a mobile phone. What was the point when you didn't have anybody to talk to? He looked at the clock again. 7:01. He sighed. _He said he would be late, Sebastian. So stop looking at the clock!_

So Sebastian did what he was best at. He cleaned. His flat was already pristine, but no matter, as he spotted a wrinkle in the sofa. Sebastian quickly darted over to it, smoothing it over until the sofa was wrinkle-free. He took a pillow and fluffed it out, despite the pillow already being sufficiently fluffed. He rearranged the vase of flowers sitting on the coffee table, and straightened the blank picture frame on the wall. Then he stood by the door, one hand on the knob.

Footsteps outside the door. Sebastian quickly ran fingers through his hair and cleared his throat, coming up with several different conversations in his mind. There was a knock.

Sebastian flung the door open, making Ciel jerk backwards. He blushed. "Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you."

Ciel waved it off. "It's fine, Sebastian. How long were you standing there?"

"Only a second," Sebastian lied.

"Are you ready to go?"

"I've never been to a party before, so I don't know. Do I look ready?"

Ciel laughed. "You look great, now come on, if I'm gone too long, Alois will probably burn the flat down."

Sebastian had never heard the expression. "He'll burn it down?" He said, completely serious.

Ciel laughed again, shaking his head. "No, it's an expression. Come on then, I'll teach you all about parties in the car."

Sebastian nodded and took one last look at his home and sighed, taking a deep breath. "I'm ready."

When they were in the car, Sebastian took another breath. _I'm sitting less than two feet away from the most beautiful man in the world. _

"Are you alright?" Ciel asked, starting the engine.

"Just a bit nervous," Sebastian replied.

"Sebastian, I'll be with you. I wouldn't have invited you if I thought you wouldn't feel comfortable. Maybe you'll make a friend or two."

_That's what scares me. I don't know how to make friends. _"Thank you, Ciel. Thank you for inviting me."

Ciel nodded, turning the volume up on the radio. _S&M_ by Rihanna was playing. Ciel rolled his eyes. "Alois fucking plays this every day," he muttered.

Sebastian smiled slightly. "I've never heard it."

"Sebastian?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you ever go out? Have you ever had any friends, a girlfriend? A boyfriend? Anybody?" Ciel was looking straight ahead at the road, not noticing the expression on Sebastian's face.

_Does he think I'm gay? He knows, doesn't he? He knows I have a crush on him. And he knows I don't have any friends, he's just trying to make a conversation._ "I've never had anyone."

"My parents died when I was young," Ciel suddenly said, "But it wasn't really a big deal. I was too young to really understand what had happened. I was raised by my aunt, I always had Alois, and I was always surrounded by a lot of people who loved me. I want to say, 'I'm sorry, I know what it's like to not have anyone,' but I'd be lying. So instead, I'll tell you this: You're not alone anymore, Sebastian. I'm your friend now." Ciel briefly glanced at Sebastian, catching the single tear that dripped down Sebastian's face.

"Thank you," Sebastian said, quietly.

Ciel nodded, smiling. "Stop thanking me so much, it's weird."

"Sorry-"

"Don't say that all the time either." Ciel grinned.

Ciel drove the rest of the way in relative silence, except when he hummed or sang along to some track on the radio that Sebastian didn't know.

Sebastian watched Ciel out of the corner of his eye, content just to be looking at him. Content just to be sitting there next to him.

Ciel pulled onto the curb of his flat some time later, there were at least fourteen other cars parked around the street, and Sebastian could already hear loud music playing from inside the building. He got out of the car, following closely behind Ciel. There were various groups of people standing on the lawn, he guessed there would be a hundred more inside. "Where do they all come from?" He asked Ciel, following less than half a foot behind.

"Alois Trancy and I happen to have more connections than the Queen herself-"

"And we're much more attractive," Alois added, appearing from nowhere. "So this is Sebby." He put his hand out. "Ciel's told me all about you. How are you, Sebastian? Not too depressed today, I hope?"

Ciel shot Alois a dark look.

"I'm okay, today," Sebastian said. He didn't realize that Alois was mocking him. "How are you?"

Alois smirked. "You've got manners, Sebby. I like that." He winked and pranced away, diving for a cup of beer in a girl's hand.

Sebastian immediately wondered why Ciel was friends with Alois. They seemed like opposites, then again, so were Ciel and himself. But he knew enough about people to know that Alois seemed like a jerk. Ciel was too good for someone like that.

Ciel didn't say anything, leading Sebastian inside.

There were at least thirty people standing around in various positions and places. A very drunk man was making out with a very drunk woman. There was a group of people standing in the corner sharing a joint. Someone was singing an atrocious cover of _Wonderwall_ by Oasis, and another was standing on the coffee table, apparently attempting a striptease. But they were too intoxicated for it to look even remotely sexy.

"So this is what parties are really like?" Sebastian asked, now standing right next to Ciel, inhaling a puff of smoke. The whole living room was hazy and the air was heavy. "This is supposed to be fun?"

Alois appeared again. "It's fun if you let it be," he breathed, the smell of alcohol on his breath.

"He's innocent," Ciel said, "Why don't you leave him alone, Alois?"

Alois laughed. "Hey Sebastian, have you ever been properly fucked?"

"You're drunk," Ciel mumbled.

"I'm talking to Sebby here. Have you ever had sex?"

Sebastian's face flushed.

"You don't have to answer him, Sebastian. He's a bitch."

Sebastian took a step away from Alois. "I've-I've never-"

"Hey, everyone! Mr. Michaelis here is a virgin! Why don't one of you lovely young ladies go show him a good time. Or do you prefer men? We've got some of those too."

"Shut up," Ciel said, anger entering his eyes. "Leave Sebastian alone. He's here to have fun, not to be mocked by an asshole like you."

Alois smirked. "Good little Ciel, playing at Mum." He spat the last word, eyes looking Ciel straight on.

Sebastian stepped away, strongly suspecting that parties weren't supposed to be like this.

"Just fuck off, Alois."

Alois snorted and took a swig from a bottle. "You won't be mad tomorrow, Ciel." He stumbled away, leaving Ciel alone.

Sebastian approached him. "Why are you friends with him?"

Ciel shook his head. "He's nicer when he's sober."

"Is he really? He seems like a jerk to me."

"You don't even know him, Sebastian! I'm sorry, I shouldn't raise my voice. But please, just stay out of it. Alois is complicated." Ciel took Sebastian's shoulder. "Do you want something to drink?"

Sebastian nodded and followed Ciel over to the kitchen counter. The music was particularly loud. Ciel handed Sebastian a can of beer. "You do drink, right?"

"No, actually."

Ciel sighed, "Of course you don't." He took the can back and placed it back into a cooler.

"Are you alright, Ciel?" Sebastian asked, noticing how tired Ciel looked.

Ciel laughed. "I was suppose to show you a good time. I'm sorry about Alois, but there's things you don't understand about him. I promise you he's a good guy, he really is. Just don't pay attention to him, okay?"

Sebastian was confused. _I'm not the one making a big deal over Alois. Do you like him or something? Are you in love with your roommate? Not that it matters, men like you don't fall for men like me anyway..._ "It's fine, really, Ciel. I'm okay."

"No you aren't!" Ciel shouted. "You're miserable and depressed, and I'm just making it worse, aren't I? I'm making your life even worse."

"I'm okay, Ciel. Today, I'm okay. I might not be okay tomorrow, but today I am. I made a friend, didn't I? That's progress. You're my friend." Sebastian smiled, meaning every word he said. "I'm glad you're my friend."

Ciel stared at him for several seconds. He swore softly. "You're too nice, Sebastian. Too good. I'm not. I know I have friends, I know people love me, but I'm spoiled, arrogant, and selfish. I'm not the kind of person you want to be friends with."

"Then why did you invite me?" Sebastian said, heart starting to race.

"Because you're good. Because you're nice. And because it's about time I hung out with someone good."

Ciel drove Sebastian home an hour later.

They hadn't done very much. Ciel was moping about something,(Probably Alois) and Sebastian had no desire to drink or interact with anybody. He had tried wandering around the party a little bit, quietly observing other's actions, but all he really wanted was to just sit next to Ciel and stare into those wondrous blue eyes. He wanted so badly to lean over and kiss the man, tell him that Alois wasn't worth anything, tell him that he deserved better. _Of course, that's assuming he's actually in love with Alois. I might be misinterpreting all of this. It wouldn't be surprising, seeing as I'm so clueless._ He wondered if Ciel had ever truly felt any emotion even close to sadness.

"You're home," Ciel said, rubbing at his eyes.

Sebastian hadn't even realized it. He glanced at the clock by the dashboard. 12:34. "Do you want to come in? You seem tired." He knew it was hopeless as soon as he asked it.

Ciel shook his head. "I have to help Alois clean up, and wake the passed out people. There's probably a mess, I'm sorry, Sebastian. I'll make it up to you, okay? I'll stop by the book shop tomorrow. Good night, Sebastian."

Sebastian stepped out of the car, opening and closing it three times. He couldn't help it. He looked at Ciel, embarrassed. Apparently, Ciel didn't notice. Sebastian sighed, relieved. _I need to take my medication more often, if I ever want him to think I'm normal._ He waved at Ciel, walking towards his flat. _Why do I have to have OCD along with everything else? Can't I just have a normal life? Can't I be happy? Don't I deserve that? _But he was happy, at the moment. He had made a friend.

Ciel nodded at Sebastian once and drove off. Sebastian smiled to himself. _I've made a friend. Maybe he's faking it, maybe he doesn't really care, but he's a friend to me, nevertheless._ And that would be enough. It _**had **_to be.

But he was lying to himself and he knew it. Ciel Phantomhive was already causing him heartbreak. _When has your heart not been broken, Sebastian?_


	4. Disorder

_A/N: I was going to upload this yesterday but my parents were around like all day. I don't have my own laptop, so I have to use the computer in the family room where everybody hangs out, and so I could only write when no one was in the room. (Because my parents are super strict and they wouldn't be able to stand the swearing in this story, let alone the future lemons I plan on writing) But anyway, here it is! I think what I'll do is try to upload a chapter at least three times a week._

* * *

_Ciel: When did you start having OCD symptoms?_

_ Sebastian: About two years ago._

_ Ciel: Was there something that triggered them? A traumatic event? Like a death or-_

_ Sebastian:Yes._

_ Ciel: Will you tell me what happened? _

_ Sebastian: I don't remember everything._

_ Ciel: That's fine, Sebastian. It's alright if you don't remember everything...but you know it helps to tell someone your problems. It always helps._

Ciel typed some more of his report, looking over his notes again. The interview with Sebastian went on for five straight pages, although much of it was repetitive, Sebastian saying 'I don't know,' or 'I don't remember,' over a dozen times. And now, two days later, after the disastrous party, Ciel realized he still hardly knew the mysterious man.

He knew Sebastian was depressed, obsessive-compulsive, and suffered from social anxiety. He knew Sebastian didn't have a family or friends. He knew something had happened, something had made Sebastian the way he was, besides growing up in the foster care system and losing his career. Something traumatic had happened. Something life-altering, life-shattering...something. But Sebastian refused to tell him what it was. He avoided it with, 'I don't remember.'

And of course Ciel had learned three things about Sebastian at the party. He didn't drink, he was a virgin, and Ciel made him happy. Three completely useless, unhelpful, things.

_So, in conclusion, I really don't know anything about him. Great._

Ciel fell onto his bed, closing his eyes against the sunlight.

"You're not mad at me today, right?"

Ciel opened his eyes. Alois stood in the doorway in nothing but boxer shorts.

"I hate you."

Alois smiled. "I love you."

"Shut up."

"Oh come on, Ciel. I was just having some fun with him."

Ciel squinted through the sunlight into the blond's eyes. "You mocked him."

"As if you've never been like that. As if you've never been a complete shit."

Ciel shuddered. How was it that Alois could make him feel so small and horrible? And yet, he loved him. _He's my friend, my best friend. _"But I'm trying to be better, and you aren't."

Alois shrugged, striding over to the bed. His skinny frame leaned over Ciel. "Don't pretend to be good, Ciel. It doesn't suit you." He sat down, inching closer, resting his hand on Ciel's forehead.

"What are you doing?" Ciel's face reddened.

"How long have you been in love with me?"

Ciel blushed. He suddenly pictured Sebastian's face, reddening whenever he got close to Ciel. And now here Ciel himself was, blushing at his best friend. _I don't love Alois. _But they had spent nearly every day together since childhood. Alois, always there, always constant, always more significant than anybody else.

_But I've had girlfriends. Several. I've never had a boyfriend. I've never been attracted to men. _

Alois leaned down closer. "Answer me, Ciel."

"I'm not in love with you."

"How about Sebastian? Are you in love with him, because he sure as hell is in love with you."

Ciel's eyes widened, though he wasn't surprised. "I'm not in love with him either."

"Good. I think I'll have him then." Alois patted Ciel's head, and stood up, smirking. "If that's okay with you?"

It was most certainly not okay. "What makes you think he'll go for an ass like you?"

Alois smiled. "Whatever made you fall for me." He strutted over to the doorway, lingering for a second. "You're so obviously in love with me, Ciel. You aren't good at hiding it." He left, again leaving Ciel feeling incredibly small. _He's right._

He touched his forehead, feeling the ghost of Alois's hand. _Why does he have to be right?_ He then sat up, abruptly, he had promised to meet Sebastian. It was already mid-afternoon. Ciel had slept the day away. He couldn't disappoint Sebastian. He jumped up, throwing random clothing on. He threw on a scarf and ran to the car, Alois hadn't taken it yet.

Ciel weaved through traffic. He dialed the number of the book shop.

Sebastian picked up almost five rings later. "Hello?" He said hesitantly.

"Sebastian! I'm so sorry, I promised I would visit you today. I'm on my way right now! I know I'm late-"

"It's alright, Ciel. I'm used to people not keeping their word."

Ciel knew that Sebastian hadn't meant anything by it, it was just his nature, but it still brought a grimace to Ciel's face. "I'll be there, Sebastian. I _will_ keep my word." He had a feeling that Sebastian was smiling.

"I'll see you then, Ciel."

_I __**will**__ be this man's friend. I won't let him down. He is not just a project._ He arrived at the book shop ten minutes later, parking down the street, and dashing into the store. "I told you I'd come."

Sebastian looked up in surprise. "Why were you in such a hurry?"

Ciel shrugged. _Because I want to show Alois that I'm a better person than he is._ "I want to make up for last night. For Alois, and for myself. I was a jerk too, I practically ignored you-"

"It's alright, Ciel."

Ciel's eyes flared. "Why do you always say that? Why do always say, 'it's alright?' It's not alright, the way I act. I'm a selfish bastard, Sebastian. Surely you see that."

Sebastian frowned slightly. "No you aren't."

"But I am. You're a nice guy who deserves nice friends. I'm a bad guy pretending to change."

Sebastian's frown deepened. "You aren't pretending, Ciel."

Ciel slumped against the wall. "I'm sorry, Sebastian. I shouldn't be...I shouldn't be dumping my problems on you." He slumped to the floor. "I don't even know where this is coming from." He laughed, frustratingly. "I just don't know what's happening to me."

Sebastian sat down next to him. "You keep saying you're a bad guy. Why do you say that? What did you do, Ciel? If you don't mind me asking.

Ciel laughed again, looking into Sebastian's genuinely concerned eyes. "Can we make a deal?"

"What?"

"If I tell you about my past, will you tell me about yours? No more, 'I don't remember,' and 'I don't know?'"

Sebastian's eyebrows furrowed, he shifted uncomfortably. He began to tap his fingers nervously on the floor. "I can't do that, Ciel."

"Alright. It's fine, whatever. Let's forget this conversation then. Let's talk about something good."

Sebastian nodded. "I would like that."

_Ciel: What do you like to do?_

_ Sebastian: I like to clean._

_ Ciel: Seriously?_

_ Sebastian: Well, no. It's just a habit, I excessively clean. It's an obsession. One of my OCD tics._

_ Ciel: So what do you actually like to do?_

_ Sebastian: I don't-_

_ Ciel: Don't say 'I don't know!'_

_ Sebastian: I like to read._

_ Ciel: What's your favorite book?_

_ Sebastian: It's kind of silly._

_ Ciel: Just tell me!_

_ Sebastian: It's called '13 Reasons Why,' it's about this teenage girl who commits suicide and sends tapes to the classmates who contributed to her depression and eventual death._

_ Ciel: That's not silly at all. That's...sad._

_ Sebastian: Exactly why it's good. It doesn't gloss depression over; it doesn't make it look like something that can just be cured with a few pills. The author didn't bullshit it, despite it being a book meant for teenagers._

_ Ciel: Why is it that every conversation we have leads to something sad?_

_ Sebastian: I guess we have problems..._

Ciel laughed. Sebastian looked at him, confused. "Why was that funny?"

"Because it's true."

He left the book shop an hour later, driving home with a lighter mood, not thinking about the report, or Alois, or his own past.

"Give me Sebby's number."

Ciel opened the door to find Alois standing there, now in a tank top and skinny jeans, barefoot, despite the cold weather. "Why the fuck would I do that?"

"Because you do whatever I tell you to do." Alois touched Ciel's shoulder, gently. "And because you love me," he whispered.

"I don't love you!"

Alois began to laugh. "Stop this pretending. It's getting so old." He slid his fingers across Ciel's shoulder onto his collarbone and down his shirt. "Stop fooling yourself, Ciel." He pushed Ciel to the wall, forcing a sloppy kiss to his lips.

Ciel succumbed, kissing Alois back, despite his brain telling him to run away.

"How long have you waited for that to happen?" Alois whispered.

"Forever."

Alois laughed into him, kissing him harder. Ciel moaned against him, tugging at the blond's hair.

"Do you want me to fuck you?"

Ciel opened his eyes, suddenly aware of the situation. He pushed Alois off of him. "You don't love me," he panted.

Alois snorted. "Of course I love you, Ciel-"

"No you don't. You're a horny bastard who'll fuck anything that walks." Ciel turned away, "Just go to hell, Alois."

"I don't get it, Ciel. Isn't this a dream come true for you? Isn't this what you what?"

"Not like this," Ciel said. He opened the door and slammed it shut behind him, standing in the corridor for a moment, breathless. _Why do I love him? Why do I love such a pathetic excuse for a human being? What is wrong with me?_

The door started to turn. Ciel took off, running down the corridor, running back to the one person who was more messed up than himself. "Sebastian," he breathed into his mobile. "I know I was just at the shop a little while ago, are you still open?"

"I just closed up, but-"

"Can I come over? To your house?"

There was silence on the other end. Ciel began to wonder whether the man was still there.

"Yes, Ciel. Yes, of course you can come over."

Ciel breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank you, Sebastian. You've just saved my life."

The man on the other end began to mumble something; he was obviously confused.

"It's another expression, Sebastian," Ciel laughed, momentarily forgetting Alois. "I'll be at your place in a few minutes."

_Ciel: What's your favorite colour?_

_ Sebastian: I've heard an expression before, what's it called? Oh yeah, 'small talk.' Is this small __talk?_

_ Ciel: Well, whenever we talk about something serious, it turns out sad, and I honestly don't want anything sad right now._

_ Sebastian: Did something happen?_

_ Ciel: What do you mean?_

_ Sebastian: With Alois? Did something happen with him?_

_ Ciel: No._

_ Sebastian: Ciel, you want me to tell the truth, but how can I when you don't?_

_ Ciel: I'm going to go to sleep, Sebastian. We'll talk tomorrow, alright?_

Ciel tucked himself into the sheets, trying to find a comfortable position on Sebastian's sofa. Sebastian's flat was incredibly clean. Cleaner than an operating room in the fanciest hospital in the world. Ciel was afraid he would contaminate anything he touched.

Even now, Sebastian was cleaning. He shuffled around the kitchen, scrubbing dishes that had never been used. Organizing food in the cupboard and pantry by alphabetical order, and he constantly straightened out a nonexistent wrinkle in his shirt. Ciel almost screamed at him.

He closed his eyes in frustration. Why wouldn't Sebastian just tell him what had happened? What had made him this way? What event could have possibly triggered Sebastian's many problems?

Then of course, Sebastian was right. How could he tell the truth if Ciel wouldn't? Ciel had secrets too. _Maybe we should play a game. Who has the bigger secret? _It was a morbid thought. Ciel had no desire to tell Sebastian about his past. What would poor, innocent, Sebastian think? Would he hate Ciel? Would he be hurt? Ciel imagined it, picturing Sebastian's reaction. Naïve, child-like, Sebastian. He would find out Ciel's past eventually, there was no way around it. And Ciel would find out about Sebastian's past. It was inevitable. It would cause them both pain.

Ciel wondered some more, about Sebastian's secret. He remembered the previous night, when Sebastian had opened and closed the car door three times. Ciel had learned enough in his various psychology studies about OCD tics to know that certain symptoms were triggered by certain events. Perhaps Sebastian had been in a car accident. And of course, there was his obsession with cleaning, Ciel could think of million different events that could have happened for that one. There was the social anxiety/social awkwardness. And there was the depression. _They must be tied together somehow. How else could he suffer from all of these disorders?_

The lights in the kitchen blinked off. Sebastian retreated into his bedroom, leaving Ciel in complete silence. He sighed and tried to fall asleep. It was going to be a sleepless night. Different scenarios that could have happened to Sebastian kept running through his head. And of course, there were the constant, steady, thoughts of Alois. Alois kissing him. Alois touching him. Alois, Alois, Alois. Ciel tried to push his thoughts away. When he did that, new ones entered. His past decided to come and haunt him.

Ciel had one last thought before he finally drifted into a welcoming sleep. _I thought of a better game. Let's see who can keep their secret the longest._


	5. Clock

7:00 A.M. The alarm beeped incessantly. Sebastian yawned, stretched, and reached for the alarm clock. He knocked it over by accident. He watched helplessly as it went over the edge of the night stand and fell to the floor. It landed with a crunch. Already a bad start to the day. Then he remembered. _Ciel is sleeping on my couch._

Butterflies rushed to his stomach. He was suddenly a giddy school boy. _Ciel Phantomhive, the most beautiful man in the world, is sleeping in my living room!_

Sebastian eyed the broken alarm clock, crumpled up on the floor. _That won't do._ He began to pick up the debris, flinging each and every individual piece into the trash bin. There were still minuscule pieces caught in the carpet, unnoticeable to anyone's eyes save Sebastian. He took a magnifying glass from the top drawer of the night stand and eyed the little pieces ingrained on the ground. He picked at them until they were all gone. _I'll have to vacuum this just to make sure._

He then stood up, becoming immediately alarmed by the unmade bed. Sebastian rushed around it, pulling, tucking, and fluffing until the bed was sufficiently made. _Sufficient isn't good enough._ He remade it, once, twice, three times, before it was decent to his taste.

_What do I do now?_ What did one do when the love of their life was in the room next door? Sebastian decided the best thing to do would be to take a shower. He stepped into the bathroom, carefully undressing and folding his boxers and socks neatly on the floor. He turned the water on, surveying the tile for anything unsightly. There was a single hair sitting near the drain. Sebastian quickly rinsed it down the drain.

He scrubbed for several minutes. He scrubbed until his skin was red and sore. He scrubbed until the palm of his hand began to bleed. Sebastian watched as the scarlet blood ran down his arm, onto his stomach, and down his legs. The white tile was momentarily stained with red. After Sebastian held his injured hand for a second, not really feeling the pain, he started the process all over again.

Forty minutes went by. Sebastian still stood in the shower, still not pleased with his appearance. He washed himself again and again, until his skin felt like it was on fire. _I can't do this anymore. I'm going to kill myself if I keep doing things like this._

Suddenly, frustration gripped him. _Why do I have to be like this? I just want to be normal. _Tears stung at Sebastian's eyes. He blinked them away, furiously. _Stay strong, Sebastian. Ciel is right there. He'll help you. _

He heard footsteps shuffling around the corridor. Ciel was at the door."Sebastian? Uh, thanks. Thanks for letting me stay last night. I have a class to get to, and all my stuff is at home, so I have to go. Thanks again, I'll call you later, okay?"

Sebastian leaned against the wall, ear to the curtain, letting hot water rush over him. "Wait! Ciel, don't you want breakfast?" His heart skipped a beat. _Please say yes._

There was a muffled laugh from the door. "Thank you, Sebastian, really. But I've got to go. I'll see you, okay?"

_No, Ciel! Stay. Please stay. Save me from myself._

Sebastian suddenly bounded out of the shower, nearly slipping. He twisted a towel around his waist, for once not caring that he was flinging water everywhere. He opened the door, breathless, and grabbed Ciel's hand. "Please don't go."

Ciel stared at Sebastian and then his hand, shocked. "It's all red. Sebastian, are you alright?" He turned it over, examining it. Sebastian had scrubbed a whole layer away, leaving his hand pink and raw.

"I'm fine."

Ciel stared at him. "No, you aren't. You're hurt. What did you do, Sebastian? Did you try to commit suicide?"

Sebastian's eyebrows furrowed. "No, why would I do that?"

"Then tell me what happened to your hand."

Sebastian thought for a second. The truth was that he didn't know. It was a habit. One of his OCD tics. No, not just a habit, an obsession. His cleaning obsession. "I had to be clean," he said slowly.

"Oh, Sebastian," Ciel said softly, painfully. "This isn't okay."

_He cares. He really cares about me. _Sebastian didn't notice the pain at all. All he noticed were Ciel's concerned eyes. _That concern is for me._ "What did I do wrong, Ciel?"

"You've got to understand. Don't you see? You hurt yourself, Sebastian. You could have killed yourself. Have you done this before? Do you have medication?"

Sebastian nodded. "I have OCD and depression medicine."

"What about my other question? Have you done this before? Have you hurt yourself like this?"

Sebastian nodded again. "Is it so bad, Ciel?"

Ciel dropped his hand. "Oh my God, Sebastian! Yes, yes, of course it's bad!"

Sebastian looked at him, confused. _Why is he so mad?_ "I'm sorry, Ciel."

"Didn't I tell you not to say sorry to me? I'm the one that's sorry okay? I'm sorry for always losing my temper, I just have a lot of shit going on right now. I'm going to go to class, and then I'm going to come back here, okay?" Ciel began to back away, taking one last look at Sebastian's nearly mangled hand.

"You'll be back, really?"

Ciel smiled. "I'm your friend, Sebastian. You can trust me."

"I've never had anybody to trust before," Sebastian said, amused. "Bye, Ciel." He watched as the man disappeared down the corridor, wearing the previous day's clothes. He studied his hand, for the first time really realizing he had a serious problem, letting it sink in. _I need help._

Sebastian toweled off and wiped down the water streaks he had left from his unorthodox burst out of the shower. He dressed, opened the medicine cabinet, swallowed two different pills, and left the room.

He then watched the clock, waiting for Ciel's return. _This is silly. I should find something to do. It's Saturday, I don't have to go into the shop. I should do what regular people do on Saturdays._ But what did regular people do on Saturdays? He didn't know. What did Ciel usually do? Today, he was going to school. Surely that wasn't a regular occurrence. _Do people really go to college on Saturdays? Maybe that's why so many people are depressed. _

Sebastian tapped his fingers absentmindedly. He began to hum. _What do I usually do? _He ate, he slept, he read, he cleaned, he repeated. It was a boring, dull life, yes, but it was constant. Sebastian liked constant.

He sat down on the sofa, patting it. _Ciel slept here._ Ciel had even been kind enough to fold the blanket. Sebastian smiled, wistfully. _I'm in love with him._ His smile vanished. _But he's not in love with me._ Ciel was in love with Alois. He didn't admit it, but Sebastian could see it. It should have hurt more than it actually did. _I suppose I'm used to this sort of thing._ If he were normal, he would be suffering, he would be heartbroken that his love was unrequited. Instead, it just left a dull throb in his chest. Almost unnoticeable.

The telephone rang. Sebastian stared at if for a few seconds letting it ring, and ring, and ring again. _When are you going to get over this stupid fear? _He finally picked it up, fingers trembling. "Hel-"

"Sebby!"

Sebastian shifted in confused silence. "Who-who is this?"

"You don't recognize the voice? It's Alois Trancy. You know, Ciel's sexy roommate." Alois paused for a second, apparently waiting for an answer.

Sebastian didn't have one. _Why is he calling me? _

"Is Ciel around? He won't answer his phone. I'm worried."

Everything Alois said seemed to be fake. Even Sebastian, as innocent as he was, could see that. "He isn't here, Alois." He added a 'sorry' out of habit.

"Where is he? Do you know, Sebby? Was he at your flat?"

Alois suddenly sounded creepy. Sebastian wanted to hang up. He had a feeling Ciel wouldn't want Alois to know where he was. "He-he wasn't here, I-"

"Whatever. If you see him, tell him he's a fucking jerk, love Alois." Alois snorted. "How are _you,_ Sebby?" His tone changed to one of seduction.

Was this the small talk Sebastian had been hearing so much of lately? It irked him. "I'm fine, thank you, Alois." He felt very uncomfortable.

"Not planning on dying anytime soon?" There was a loud laugh.

"I'm sorry, Alois, but I don't really like talking to you. I'm going to hang up, okay?"

Alois laughed again. "You sound like a fucking kid, Sebastian. But I have to admit, your impetuous politeness is a little bit of a turn on.

"Oh, um, thank you?"

"You're so funny, Sebby!"

Sebastian realized Alois was flirting with him. _Well, he's not doing a very good job. _"I'm hanging up now. Have a nice day, Alois." Before Alois had another chance to speak, Sebastian slammed the telephone back onto the wall. _That was strange. _It also felt wrong, somehow. Alois was Ciel's. Not Sebastian's. And Sebastian didn't want him anyway. _Even I'm not naïve enough to get involved with a creep like him._ He shuddered, thinking of the party, and Alois picking on him. Ciel had come to his defense, Ciel had saved him, but somehow that made Sebastian feel worse. _Alois sees me as a target. He knows I'm weak. He can get in my head._

Maybe that was what had happened to Ciel. Alois was the predator and Ciel his prey. It was sickening. _How can Ciel love that horrible man?_ Sebastian sighed. He just wished Ciel would come back and be safe. Away from that awful Alois, and whatever else he was dealing with. He wished Ciel would stay forever.

And at the same time, he knew it wasn't possible. Ciel was too different. He had a life, Sebastian didn't. He had friends, Sebastian didn't. He had everything. Sebastian had nothing.

"What can I do, Ciel? What can I do to make you love someone like me?" He said it aloud, breaking the heavy silence; his words echoed through the flat. He glanced back at the clock. 9:22. The day would pass by slowly, lethargically, just like every day. Just like his life.

* * *

_Aww, poor Sebastian. It can only get better, right?...haha *laughs like Alois*_


	6. Pity

_ Short chapter. _

* * *

Ciel typed away on his laptop detailing the full situation with Sebastian that had happened in the bathroom.

_Sebastian flung the door open, staring at me wide-eyed. He looked terrified; of what, I have no idea. But when he stared at me for a second, he almost looked...happy. And then I saw his hand. He had scrubbed it until it bled, until the top layer of skin had been scratched away. It was something out of a horror movie. But he didn't even notice. He just stared at me. _

_ I didn't even notice the fact that he was in nothing but a towel, I couldn't stop looking at that hand. How can he be this messed up? What happened to him?_

"Mr. Phantomhive?"

Ciel looked up; Professor Spears was waiting on him for an answer. "Is your Facebook status more important than my lecture?"

There was a scatter of laughter and a few smirks.

"Sorry sir. What was the question?"

Professor Spears shook his head. "Never mind. Please see me after class, Mr. Phantomhive."

Ciel nodded and looked back down at his laptop screen, ignoring the rest of the lecture. The rare times when Spears would actually teach something, were incredibly boring. Ciel almost preferred the mindless busy work.

_How far has Sebastian gone? Has he done worse to himself? Does he realize that he's even injuring himself? _

"Mr. Phantomhive?"

Ciel looked up again. The rest of the class had either filed out or were in the process of picking up their books and belongings. "Yes, sir? I'm sorry about not listening-"

"It doesn't matter, Ciel. Nobody listens anyway."

"Then why did you want to see me?" Ciel asked.

Professor Spears tapped his fingers on his desk. "You're one of my favorite students, Ciel. You show more potential than any of these people. You're one of the few who ever pays any attention at all, and I always look forward to reading your essays. Do you want to work in the field of psychology, Ciel?"

"I've never really thought about it." It was true, Ciel had never thought about a serious career. He had all the money he needed. "I'm only majoring in it because it's the only thing I find remotely interesting."

Spears nodded. "Please keep being my best student, Ciel. I know I'm not a good teacher, I know my class is pathetic, but it's students like you who keep me going."

Ciel nodded, not sure what to say. Finally, breaking the awkward silence, he said, "I hope this means I'm not a teacher's pet."

Spears laughed. "Of course not. Hey, how's your report going?"

"I'm writing about this man who has OCD, depression, and social anxiety."

"So basically a therapist's dream patient?"

"Yeah." Ciel stuffed his laptop into his backpack. "I have to go meet him right now, actually. Uh, thanks for...saying that I'm your best student. It means a lot, really. And you're not such a bad teacher, not the best, but you're not terrible." Ciel gave him the thumbs up sign. "I'm gonna go now, okay?"

Spears laughed again. "I'm looking forward to that report. See you in a few days, Ciel." He waved.

As Ciel left the classroom, he noticed a young man with fiery red hair standing outside the door.

The man smiled. "Hey, you're Ciel right? You were in my Psych 101 class last year! I'm Grell, you remember me right?"

Ciel nodded, although he had no recollection of the man. "How are you doing, Grell?"

"Oh God, Ciel Phantomhive remembers me! I could die right now! I'm doing fabulous, absolutely fabulous. I've just got a boyfrie-" He stopped and cleared his throat, then smiled. "I'm fabulous," he said again, more softly. "See you around, Ciel."

Grell's nearly orange hair swooshed around his face as he swung away, opening the door to Spear's classroom.

"See you around, Grell." Ciel walked away, shaking his head, already forgetting Grell, mind focused on Sebastian and his dreadful hand.

He left the campus, boarding a bus to the East End. On his way back to Sebastian. On his way back to helping the poor man. He sat looking out the window, watching as London changed around him. From the touristy crowded Buckingham Palace and Westminster Abbey, to Trafalgar, and finally to the Olympic Stadium, the sign that alerted him that he was now in the East End. He was now near the depressed, anxiety ridden, Sebastian Michaelis.

Ciel's phone rang, making him jump slightly. He fumbled around his pocket for it, fishing it out without checking the caller ID. "Finally he answers!"

_Shit. It's Alois. _"What the hell do you want?"

"I was worried about you, Ciel. You disappeared yesterday, and you didn't come home this morning."

Ciel shivered. _He's faking it, Ciel. Don't you see that? Alois doesn't actually care about you, he's playing. He's having a laugh._ And yet, Ciel instincts failed him. "You were worried?"

"Of course I was. I was fucking going crazy. Come home, Ciel. I'm sorry about kissing you, okay? If that's not what you wanted-"

"I'll be home in ten minutes." Ciel hung up. _What the fuck is wrong with me? I should be going to Sebastian right now, I should be helping him, I should be saving his life. I shouldn't be running to Alois. _And yet, that blond hair, and those blue eyes, that smile..._You sick, sick bastard. You shouldn't love him. _

And then he remembered his words to Sebastian. "I'm your friend, Sebastian. You can trust me," he said aloud. "I'm his friend." He dialed Alois.

He picked up less than a second later. "What is it, Ciel?"

"I'm going to Sebastian's house. I'll be back tonight. Bye Alois." He hung up before the blond had a chance to answer.

_You've made the right decision, Ciel. Maybe you really are becoming a better person._

He jumped off the bus, almost running down the street, turning the corner, backpack bouncing. He jumped up the steps and rang the doorbell, once, twice, three times. "I'm back, Sebastian! I'm back!" He was smiling, laughing. _Alois doesn't own me. I will not be his slave anymore._

"Ciel, you look funny." Sebastian opened the door, almost hesitantly. "Are you on drugs, Ciel?"

Ciel laughed, almost uncontrollably. "What do you want to today, Sebastian?"

Sebastian stared at him, face blank. "Are you sure you're alright, Ciel? Did something happen?"

"I'm better than ever, Sebastian." _I'm choosing you over Alois. That's surely a sign that I'm a better person. I'm practically a saint. _"How about we go and buy a mobile phone? You're going to need one of those."

"For what?" Sebastian asked, confused. "I don't have anybody to talk to."

"You have me, Sebastian. And we'll go to more parties, you'll meet more people."

"We don't have to go to one of Alois's parties again, right? I didn't have any fun."

Ciel laughed again. "I didn't have any fun either."

"Why are you laughing so much, Ciel? It's kind of creeping me out."

"I'm happy, Sebastian."

Sebastian stared at him. "So that's happiness. I want to laugh, Ciel."

Ciel's face suddenly drained of its color.

"Did I say something wrong again, Ciel?"

Ciel shook his head, trying to shake off the cold feeling that had pierced him. "Nothing, Sebastian. Come on, let's go somewhere."

They walked down the street, Ciel noticing just how dreary the weather actually looked. All the momentary brightness of his day, washing down the drain. Pity for Sebastian swallowing him. He didn't understand it. He had never cared about anyone that much. Except Alois. Confusion was eating him up. _I love Alois. I shouldn't, but I do. I care about Sebastian. He's not just a project. But do I love him? No. At least not the way I love Alois, right? _

"You're tuning out more than me, Ciel. Are you sure you're alright?"

Ciel blinked, turning towards the man walking next to him. "I'm fine, really." He studied Sebastian for a second. _I certainly don't feel anything. _Not the kind of feelings that would rise when he saw Alois. Not that elevated heartbeat. Not that rush of blood to his head. Looking at Sebastian, he felt nothing but pity. But there was something else, there had to be. He couldn't make sense of it.

"What's this shop, Ciel? I've passed it before, but I don't know what is sells. What is an Adult Store?"

Ciel snapped out of it. If he had a drink, he would have spat it out. "Are you serious, Sebastian? You don't know what an adult store is?"

Sebastian shook his head. "No idea." He shrugged.

_He's like a child. _"Maybe you'll find out when you're older." He smiled half-heartedly.

"Was that a joke?"

"Yes, Sebastian, yes it was."

Sebastian laughed.

Ciel raised his eyebrows.

"It was funny, Ciel."

Ciel smiled back at him. _I care about him. I really do._ His smile widened. He made a mental decision. _He doesn't have to know my secret. He doesn't have to know about my past. I won't let that happen. _

"Do you want to go into the shop, Sebastian?"


	7. Drowning

Sebastian walked out of the shop, a jolt of energy rushing through his veins like fire. He was laughing, almost hysterically.

Ciel glanced at him, eyebrows furrowed, trying to hold in laughter. "What was so funny about that, Sebastian?"

"Those...things they sold! People really use those? People really stick those things into themselves?" Sebastian's face was bright red with a mixture of pure joy and embarrassment. "It's just so strange." He paused. "Interesting, but strange..." He trailed off, suddenly becoming aware of himself. "Can we go back home now, Ciel?" The red flushed from his face and quickly went back to his normal, pallid self. "It's cold out here."

"It's only seven, are you sure you want to go back?" Ciel looked at him for an answer, trying to figure out what was going on in the poor man's head.

"I'm suddenly tired, Ciel." He turned away from the younger man, casting his gaze towards the ground, studying his own reflection in a puddle. He wasn't really tired, in fact he was more awake than he had been in a long time. Walking around the adult store with Ciel, wanting so badly to just grab the man and kiss him. The shop had put thoughts into his head, thoughts he would much rather repress. Thoughts that he had always repressed. _Ciel doesn't like you in that way, Sebastian. Get over it now, before you hurt yourself._ "But I've already hurt myself, haven't I?"

"What was that?"

"Nothing," Sebastian mumbled. _I want to get hurt if it means being with you,_ his mind said.

The two walked in silence the rest of the way back to Sebastian's flat, Ciel's face contorted, apparently in deep thought, and Sebastian every so often glancing at the other man's face, searching for anything, any sign of affection greater than friendship. He didn't find anything. He wasn't even so sure he could.

He turned the key in, listened for the click that signaled the door was unlocked, and led Ciel in. After Ciel had crossed the threshold, Sebastian shut the door, then opened it, and then closed it again. He repeated the action three times. Then he unlocked and relocked it four times, all the while silently cursing himself for being the way he was. _Ciel must think I'm a freak._.._well...he is right. _Then he cursed himself again for thinking like that.

"Do you want to stay again tonight?" Sebastian crossed his fingers, praying that Ciel would. But he knew in his heart that it wouldn't be. Ciel would go running back to Alois, it was inevitable.

"I'm sorry, Sebastian. I've got a lot to do tomorrow and-"

"It's fine, Ciel. Thank you for hanging out with me today. I had fun." His last sentence wavered a bit, his voice becoming shaky. _Please don't go. Please, I'm begging you, Ciel Phantomhive.,don't let me drown. _"I had a lot of fun."

"Wait, Sebastian. I'm still here. I'm not leaving yet, not if you don't want me to." Ciel smiled at him, softly.

_I want you to stay forever._ "Can you sit with me?" Sebastian smiled back at him.

Ciel nodded. "Of course."

Sebastian sat down on the sofa, in the same spot where Ciel had spent the night. He laid back, resting his body against the couch. Ciel sat down a few feet away, hands sprawled out, one less than a foot away from Sebastian's thigh.

Suddenly, Ciel reached out, taking Sebastian's injured hand. "Does it hurt?" He asked.

_Not since you're holding it._ The burning feeling from earlier returned, full force. "I haven't really noticed it."

Ciel dropped the hand almost as abruptly as he had picked it up. He cleared his throat. "I'm going to go home now. Is that alright, Sebastian?"

_No._ "Oh, okay, yeah. Thanks again, Ciel. I really did have fun. It was nice, having someone to talk to..." He trailed off, not knowing what to say next. "Do you wa-want to come to th-the shop, maybe on Monday?" He wasn't sure why he was stuttering again. He had thought he had shaken that off after he had gotten accustomed to interacting with Ciel. "I mean, you don't have to, not if you don't want to-"

"I'll see you Monday, Sebastian." Ciel smiled, dazzling white teeth flashing. "Sleep well, okay? And take care of that hand." Ciel stood up, slowly walking towards the door, perhaps trying to come up with one last thing to say. Apparently, he didn't come up with anything.

Sebastian watched him leave, wanting so badly to stop him, to grab him, and hold him in his arms. _Don't let me drown in my own depression._ "Bye, Ciel. You sleep well too." He waved at Ciel once and then sighed, deeply. A heavy feeling in his stomach was pressing him. He shut the door, once, twice, finally, he slammed it at number eight, becoming almost unbearably frustrated.

He did what he did best for the rest of the night. He cleaned the flat until there was nothing left that could possibly be cleaned; his mind couldn't even make anything up.

Sebastian stared at his hand, it would be healed in a few days. The skin was pink and ugly, but it would be fine. It would heal, while his heart wouldn't. His depression hadn't been this bad in months. In fact, it had become an extension of himself, a constant reminder of his destroyed life. He had stopped really feeling it, until now. Looking at Ciel made his heart break. Ciel was his friend; nothing more. And as much as Sebastian wanted to think that that would be enough, he knew it wasn't.

He stumbled into the bathroom, with the limp of a drunk man. He dove into the medicine cabinet, reaching for the little bottle that held his depression pills. He shoved two into his mouth, and sunk to the floor, leaning against the sink, beginning to sob almost uncontrollably.

Like often, Sebastian didn't really know what he was crying about. Life in general, he supposed. It was something he just couldn't help. Another one of his many troubles.

"Was I ever happy?" He said aloud, voice echoing through the silent room. _Let's see. I never knew my parents. I never had a permanent family. I never had friends. I've always been shy, and as far as I know, I've always had social anxiety. When did I first realize I was depressed? I lost my career, but that's not it. That's not what made me like this. When did I get OCD? Is it something that I just picked up? No. No. What happened, Sebastian? Why can't you remember? What made you like this? How can you not know?!_ He nearly screamed. He had forgotten, somewhere along the way, he had forgotten. No, he had repressed it. He was repressing whatever event triggered his suffering. "It must have been horrible," he whispered.

Sebastian closed his eyes, deciding that it was better that way, better to not remember. Maybe he could heal himself if he didn't remember. He relaxed slightly, as the pills began to do their work. They never made the pain go away completely. That was impossible; but they helped. They were almost like the effect of a drug, bringing him temporary relief. He fell asleep on the bathroom floor, two hours before he usually went to sleep.

He dreamed of Ciel, he dreamed that they were together. He dreamed that he was normal.

And then his dream turned into a nightmare. He was a teenager, riding in the backseat of a car, two adults in front of him, arguing. He vaguely recognized them. They were yelling at each other, and then they were yelling at Sebastian. He didn't understand what they were saying. He was looking ahead, blankly.

The car stopped, the man in the driver's seat jumped out and slid into the seat next to Sebastian. The woman took over control of the vehicle, pressing the gas pedal, going far above the speed limit. Sebastian became aware that something was wrong. The man was staring at him, an almost hungry look in his eyes. Sebastian shivered. The man put an arm around him, and moved in closer. His mouth was suddenly on Sebastian's, a cold, ugly embrace.

The woman in the front was laughing madly; she let go of the wheel, turning to watch the scene behind her.

Sebastian screamed. The man pressed him down on the seat, slapping his face. "Don't make a sound, boy."

Both the woman and the man laughed together.

And then it happened. One second the man was on top of Sebastian, kissing his throat and neck, the next, the man was on the ground, blood dripping from his mouth.

Sebastian jolted awake, banging his head against the sink. The image of the man drenched in blood was still fresh in his mind. He tried to forget, quickly replacing the image with one of Ciel. _Was that my past? Is that the event that destroyed me?_ He didn't want to know. The scene had been disgusting. "It didn't really happen, did it?"

Sebastian jumped up, heart racing. He stumbled into the living room, glancing at the clock. 11:59. He had slept for over three hours on the bathroom tile. He sighed, walking slowly into his room, collapsing on the bed, for once not bothering to undress. _Save me, Ciel._ He fell asleep again, telling his mind over and over again to not see the mad man and woman. Not to feel the cold hands and lips groping him. Not to see and smell the scarlet blood and the wrecked car...

He woke up again, drenched in sweat. The clock on the nightstand read, 1:37 A.M. _What is going on, Sebastian? Why are you getting worse? _He lifted the sheets off, laying on the bed, practically begging his mind to stop. _Let me be. Please just let me be. _

Sebastian stood up, pacing the bedroom. He opened the blinds, gazing out the window. There was a couple down on the street. He smiled, almost wistfully. There were two men, holding hands and dancing down the street. One had bright red hair, the other had raven black hair almost like Ciel. _They're together. They don't belong to anybody else but each other. _

The man with red hair smiled, Sebastian rolled the window up, leaning his head slightly out the window.

"Come on Will! I know this great restaurant, it's open 24 hours!"

"What is it, Grell? A McDonald's?"

"Oh William, please. I'm much too classy for that shit. Now come on, it's a surprise!"

The man named Grell pulled Will away, they disappeared in the darkness.

Sebastian smiled again. _I wonder if I could ever be like that with Ciel._ He closed the window, shut the blinds, and rolled back into bed. Depression not eating him up quite so much. He was able to sleep again, dreaming only of Ciel, the nightmare staying far away.

* * *

_A/N: Will is Professor Spears in case you didn't know._


	8. Weakness

_A/N: Ergh, this chapter was hard to write. I feel like it's weaker than the other chapters, probably because I'm better at writing Sebastian's pov, and I suck at writing Ciel. But I hope you love it anyways, and I promise the next chapter will be longer and a hundred times better._

_Thank you for you reviews, follows, and favorites. I love you all :)_

* * *

_I almost kissed him, didn't I? When I took his hand, I almost kissed him._ Ciel shook his head, collapsing onto the couch in the living room at nearly two in the morning. He had driven around town for hours since leaving Sebastian's flat, mind in a daze. _What's happening to me?_ He didn't love Sebastian. Not in _**that**_ way. And yet...

"Where the fuck have you been?" Alois's blond head appeared in the corridor. He flicked the lights on, crossing his arms like an irritated parent.

"I told you, didn't I? Sebastian's place." Ciel tried to appear nonchalant, although his heart was already beating faster.

"What do you see in that retard, Ciel? Tell me. Why do you think you have to be his little mate? Do you honestly think you're going to redeem yourself for all the shitty things you've done by playing god to some poor bloke?"

Ciel stood up, waving his hand, rolling his eyes. "Are you ever going to just leave it alone, Alois? You don't love me, so why should you care what I do with my life?" He tried to stride past, but Alois put an arm out, hitting his chest, making him take a step backwards.

Alois flattened his hand out over Ciel's chest, stroking it for a second. "Who says I don't love you, Ciel?" He moved in closer; Ciel could feel his breath. "Hmm? Who says I don't love you?"

Ciel tried to move away. "You-you..." _Oh God, I sound like Sebastian._ "You have a pretty fucking bad way of showing it," he said, again trying for an air of nonchalance. It obviously didn't work.

"You're trembling," Alois said, placing his other hand on Ciel's waist, breath hot against Ciel's face.

He was right. _How long is it going to take for you to get over this? You don't belong to Alois anymore. Just yesterday you said you were free, so why are you letting him hold you in his arms? Why are you going to let him-_

"I haven't had sex for weeks."

Ciel shivered. "What-what about that girl you went out with a few days ago?"

Alois laughed. "We didn't even kiss."

"Oh..." Ciel trailed off, full aware of Alois hands running up and down his body, over his hips, down farther and farther- "Alois," he breathed, skin on fire.

"Can you please just shut up and let me fuck you?" Alois laughed, grip tightening over Ciel's crotch. "I know how bad you want it." He squeezed. Ciel moaned, nearly falling to the ground.

_What about Sebastian? Think of how hurt he would be. How painful it would be for him. But I'm not dating Sebastian, am I?_ "I'm not dating Alois either," he said aloud, accidentally. _But you know Sebastian is in love with you. So why would you do this to him? Hasn't he been through enough as it is? I don't even know what he's been through, he won't tell me. Whatever, Ciel, the fact is, he'd be disappointed. He'd be hurt. You're supposed to be his friend; what kind of friend would do something like this?_ "Just shut up!" Ciel nearly yelled.

Alois gave him a slightly confused look. "Well you're dick was in my mouth, so I wasn't actually talking-"

Ciel's mind focused. Somehow, his underwear was on the ground, and Alois was kneeling on the ground in front of his splayed legs. "No, no, Alois! We can't do this! We can't!"

Alois looked up at him, eyes going from bright to dark. A storm passed over them. "What the hell is wrong now?"

"I just can't alright? I can't do this!" Ciel hurriedly pushed his boxers back up, ignoring the stunned look on Alois's face. _I love him, but I care about Sebastian too. I won't hurt him._ He ran into his bedroom and slammed the door, leaving Alois still on his knees in the middle of the corridor.

_I'm going to regret this aren't I?_ Alois would not be happy. He was capable of terrible, terrible things. He could make Ciel pay if he wanted to. Ciel could still remember when they had just been children, Alois and him running through a park, playing tag or some game like that. They had been laughing and giggling like regular children. Nobody would have ever guessed that the little blond boy was a sadist. He was too innocent looking, too 'cute.'

But Ciel had known, he had always known, he just never wanted to admit it. Even as a child, he could see that something was wrong with his friend. The cold look in those big blue eyes, that look that could both chill his bones and heat them up.

Alois had stopped running, coming to a halt in front of a tree. Ciel came to a stop next to him. He looked up at the tree. "What is it, Alois?"

"Look down."

Ciel's eyes followed Alois's to the ground. There was a tiny bird, apparently injured, as it did not even stir when it saw the two small boys observing it. Alois smiled. "What should we do with it, Ciel?"

"Let's go get Aunt Angelina. She'll know what to do."

"No, Ciel. I've got a better idea." Alois turned to him, that cold, dark look entering his eyes, the first time Ciel had ever noticed it. "Why don't we step on it?"

"What?!" Ciel looked at him in horror. "It's a poor little bird, Alois!"

"It's weak," Alois said harshly. "Weak things like that have no right living," he scoffed. He brought his foot out, ready to stomp on the bird.

"No, Alois! Don't!" Ciel grabbed his friend's arm, trying to pull him away from the bird. "Let's go and play. Leave the bird alone." Tears began to fall from his eyes. "Please, leave it alone, Alois!"

"Are you weak, Ciel?" The blond asked, fixing his gaze on Ciel's tear-flooded eyes.

"Of course not!"

"Then let me kill it." Alois shrugged Ciel off, looking back at the bird, dark smile returning. The bird whimpered, almost as if it were saying, _please don't kill me._ Ciel could almost imagine it, the poor thing crying. In one swift motion, Alois brought his foot down, hard. The whimpers died immediately. There was a sickening crunch. The bird was dead.

Ciel jerked his head away, putting his hands to his face, nearly throwing up.

"Don't be weak, Ciel. It's not going to get you anywhere, now is it?" Alois brushed his shoe against the grass, getting rid of the guts that had lodged themselves in the grooves. When he took his foot away, there was a smear of blood on the green grass and bits and pieces of bones and guts. "We can go now, Ciel."

A smooth hand touched Ciel's shoulder. "Are you alright?"

Ciel's face was green. "Why did you kill that poor thing, Alois? What did it ever do to you?"

Alois laughed. "It's just a bird, Ciel. It was hurt too, I did it a favour."

"You murdered it!"

"Think whatever you want. Just don't get weak on me. Or we can't be friends."

From that day onwards, Ciel was not weak. He stood by Alois no matter what the sadistic boy did. He watched, he participated, he embraced it. If it weren't for Alois, where would he be? He certainly wouldn't be popular. Alois was always the charismatic one. Perhaps he would have ended up like Sebastian, lonely and depressed.

Ciel didn't sleep at all that night. He couldn't stop thinking about all the terrible things. All the terrible things Alois had done. All the terrible things he himself had done. _Are you ever going to forget your past, Ciel? Are you ever going to move on? You could start over, you know. Move away, move in with Sebastian, never speak to Alois again. It's possible. _

But over and over again those blue eyes would plaster themselves all over his mind, their image burning. _You may be rich. You may be healthy. You may be popular. But you're not really happy are you, Ciel? Are you losing your mind? Are you going to end up like Sebastian?_

He waited until he saw sunlight through the window. It was Sunday. Sebastian had invited him to the book shop on Monday. Ciel could have easily gone to the man's flat, surely Sebastian would be elated it that happened. But he also couldn't. He was too afraid of what he would find on the other side of the door.

_I'm becoming paranoid, aren't I? _He slowly unlocked the door, opening it very slowly. "Alois?" He said softly.

There was no answer. Ciel was alone. He checked the rest of the flat, making sure. Alois was definitely gone. He took out his phone and quickly dialed Sebastian.

"Ciel?"

"You asked me if I could stay, can I take you up on that offer now, Sebastian?"

There was a long silence. "You-you mean-"

"What I mean is, can I stay indefinitely?"

Silence.

"I'll take that as a yes."

Ciel hung up, stuffing the phone into his pocket, preparing to leave. He fumbled around his room. He found a suitcase under the bed, and pulled it out, stuffing everything he could into it. _I'm running away. I'm not going to see Alois again. I'm going to leave him and my whole bloody past behind. For good. _"Do you understand that, Ciel? You aren't going to be his toy anymore. And this time you mean it." He went to his backpack and made room around the laptop, fitting a few more belongings into the empty space.

He scrawled out a quick note.

_Dear Alois,_

_ I'm tired of your shit._

_ Sincerely,_

_ Ciel_

Ciel left the note on the kitchen counter, took a last look at the place he had called home for years, and closed the door behind him.


	9. Broken

Sebastian stood less than a foot away from the door, staring at it, forgetting to blink. His heart was in his stomach. _'Can I stay indefinitely?' _Ciel had asked. Sebastian had nearly dropped the phone. A hundred different replies ran through his mind, none of them sounding quite right. "Yes, of course youcan stay, Ciel!" Or how about: "I'd love that more than anything." No. Too intimate. "If you want to." That wouldn't work either; it was too nonchalant. So in the end, Sebastian just stayed silent.

And now Ciel was on his way, planning to never leave. _Unless of course, the universe has decided to play a cruel joke on me,_ which was very possible. But Sebastian hoped with all his heart that that wouldn't be the case. He was crossing his fingers right now, gaze glued to the door, coming up with a perfect greeting. "Hello, Ciel, how are you?" No, too formal. He and Ciel were friends, and friends didn't talk like that to each other, did they? He didn't know. He didn't have any experience with any friends other than Ciel, whom he had been very formal with up this point. _Am I being too formal? Maybe I should loosen up. How do you do that though? _"Yo, Ciel, what's up?" _That's a chav, isn't it? I sound like a chav._ "Hi, Ciel." Yes. That sounded good.

He waited at the door for an hour, trying desperately not to let his hopes be dashed. _It's okay, Sebastian. He was on the other side of London, of course it's going to take a while. He'll come, he has before, hasn't he? Don't worry._ He sat down, cross-legged on the floor. He put his hands in his lap for a second, then, absentmindedly began to tap them on the ground.

Finally, after nearly having a fit of hopelessness, the sound of the doorbell rang out. Sebastian jumped up, smoothing his sweater and brushing non-existent dust off of his jeans. He cleared his throat and quietly rehearsed. "Hi, Ciel," he repeated softly, several times.

There was another ring. _Pull yourself together, Sebastian. You've answered the door before. You've said hello to him before. This is no different._ He took a deep breath and in one swift motion, flung the door open.

Ciel stood on the threshold, a suitcase at his feet and a backpack slung over his shoulder. He obviously hadn't bothered to get ready that morning, yesterday's clothing making it apparent. He smiled. "Hey-"

"Hi, Ciel!" Sebastian said, enthusiastically. He quickly shut his mouth. _I just messed it up..._He silently cursed himself.

Ciel raised his eyebrows. "Hey, Sebastian."

They stood there for a moment, awkwardly. Finally, Ciel was the one to speak. "Can I come in?"

_Duh. What is wrong with you, Sebastian?_ "Of course, of course. I'll-I'll take your bag." Sebastian bent down slightly, reaching for the suitcase. He picked it up slowly, straining his muscles. He dropped it almost immediately. He blushed. "I-I guess it's too heavy."

Ciel laughed. "I'm going to start making a list. Here's what's going on it: 1. Get Sebastian a gym membership. 2. Get Sebastian a mobile phone. 3. Get Sebastian a life." He smiled. "Here, I'll take the bag. Sorry it's so heavy, I had to get all I could."

Sebastian let the suitcase go, gratefully. He watched as Ciel lifted it, imagining the smooth muscles under Ciel's shirt- _Don't go there again, Sebastian. Don't think about those things._

When the two were inside, Sebastian closed the door, for once not repeatedly opening and closing it. "I only have the couch, but maybe we could make up a room for you?"

"It's fine, Sebastian. I don't care where I sleep as long as it's not anywhere near Alois." The warm rosiness in Ciel's cheeks vanished, leaving what looked like an empty shell. His eyes were suddenly very far away, in a place Sebastian couldn't reach.

_What happened? Did he run away? Did Alois hurt him? _And yet, wasn't it a good thing if he ran away? It could mean he had finally given Alois up. Good news for Sebastian, right? _Wrong. Even if Ciel were to somehow stop loving Alois, he wouldn't go for you. How many times do we have to run this through your mind, Sebastian? _

"Ciel?"

Ciel's eyes slowly gravitated towards Sebastian. He lifted his head, as if it were painful.

"Why are you staying here?" _Not that it's a bad thing. It's actually probably the best thing that ever happened to me._

"Do you not want me here, Sebastian?"

"No! No, that's not what I meant. I-I want you here, Ciel. I _**really**_ want you here." A rush of blood entered Sebastian's face. "You just seem so sad all of the sudden. Did something happen back at home?"

Ciel let out a pitiful laugh. "Ironic, isn't it? You're supposed to be the depressed one. I was supposed to save you, Sebastian. But now I'm the one who needs saving." He shook his head. "You knew about Alois, didn't you? You knew I was in love with him."

Sebastian nodded. "Unfortunately."

"Last night he tried...he tried to...you know what, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what happened, but it's over now. I ran away. I let go." Tears suddenly entered Ciel's eyes. "I'm turning into you, aren't I, Sebastian?" His face looked like a child's.

_Ironic indeed. _Sebastian wanted to reach out and touch him, the poor shell of a man. But he didn't know how. _How do I tell him that I'm here? How do I tell him that I love him more than anything?_

Ciel wiped the tears off his face. "Crying isn't going to help either of us." He tried to smile. "How is your hand?"

Sebastian had completely forgotten his hand. He lifted it up now, observing it. Nothing much had changed since the previous day. He held it out to Ciel. Ciel took it, gingerly. He looked at it for a moment, and actually grasped it. He held on tightly for several seconds.

"Ci-Ciel-"

"I'm sorry." Ciel dropped it. He cleared his throat. "Well, I skipped breakfast. Do you have anything to eat?"

Sebastian nodded. _Why don't you just tell him? Who cares if your heart gets crushed into a million tiny pieces? _He strode over to the refrigerator, taking out a carton of eggs. "I can make scrambled eggs if you'd like. Or maybe you want cereal?"

"Anything," Ciel breathed. "I'm going to put some stuff in the bathroom, okay?" Ciel disappeared with his suitcase in arm.

Sebastian rested his arms on the counter, nearly slamming his head on it. He quickly took his arms away when he realized he hadn't showered that morning. "I'll get germs all over the place." He took a paper towel, wet it, and glided it across the counter. He took another one, dry this time, and set the egg carton over it.

Ten minutes later, there were two plates of eggs sitting on the table. Sebastian adjusted the small vase of flowers. He walked slowly to the bathroom and knocked on the door, gingerly. "Um, Ciel? Breakfast is ready."

Ciel flung the door open. His face was moist. His hair was drenched. "I just needed to freshen up. You know, what with everything..." He trailed off. He didn't need to say anymore, Sebastian understood completely.

He hated seeing Ciel like this. Becoming more and more like him. _Don't you know that once you get here, you can never go back? Please, Ciel, stay strong for me. Don't become me. Don't destroy yourself. _

Lovers came and went. Ciel would forget Alois, surely he would. Would he ever come to love Sebastian? _Again with this? Just stop thinking about that Sebastian! Go eat your breakfast!_

"Go ahead and start eating without me," Ciel said, wiping his damp forehead.

Sebastian nodded. He went back into the kitchen, sinking down into a chair. He didn't have much of an appetite. He never did. In fact, this had been the first time in months he had bothered actually cooking something. Which was funny in a way, seeing how he insisted on cleaning dishes he never even used. He could have laughed, but the mood didn't call for it. Sebastian took a bite. He didn't taste much of anything, food was bland much like everything else in his life. He danced around the plate with his fork.

"That bad, huh?" Ciel appeared at the table, pulling out a chair across from Sebastian. His hair was still damp. He sat down and began to eat, almost voraciously. "It's delicious, thank you, Sebastian. For everything. You're a great friend."

The dreaded words had been spoken. _You're a great friend._ Ciel thought of him as no more than that. It should have been painful. It should have felt like a bullet in the heart, but it didn't. Sebastian felt nothing at all. He was just used to it, as he had observed before, several times. "Do you like it? I don't actually cook very often."

"It's great. I don't cook either. Neither does-did, Alois. We ate so much fast food, I could have sworn I had diabetes." Ciel smiled, but it was obviously fake.

"Ciel?"

"Hmm?"

"I know I don't know much about relationships, or people in general. But you seem really hurt. Did Alois do something? You don't have to tell me, it's just, I don't want you to be sad, Ciel. I've been sad for so long that it doesn't really matter anymore, but you, you've never really been sad, have you?" Sebastian was still playing with the fork, not really noticing it. "Sorry, I don't really know much-"

Ciel cut him off. He closed his eyes. "Sadness doesn't really suit me, does it?"

"No. I like you when you're happy."

"Do you like me when I'm sad, Sebastian?"

"I like you no matter what-"

"Do you love me?" Ciel suddenly blurted.

Sebastian dropped his fork. _I love you so much it hurts. _

"Never mind. I'm acting like a teenage girl. Is it really only ten in the morning? It feels like the middle of the night. I feel like I have a fucking hangover." Ciel stood up, pushing the chair in. His plate had been cleared. "Should I put this in the sink? I'll do the dishes if you want me to."

Sebastian stared at him for at least a minute, before finally breaking out of his trance. His head was spinning. "I'll wash them. Thank you, though, for the offer." He took the plate, avoiding Ciel's fingers. Sebastian turned his back to Ciel, trying hard to shake all the thoughts running through his mind. He felt like he was about to collapse. He wanted to cry, scream, and kiss Ciel all at the same time.

"I'll do some chores, if you want me to, Sebastian. I don't want to be the annoying flatmate everybody wants to kill."

_ Ciel, you couldn't be a nuisance to me if you tried._ "Please don't worry, Ciel. I've been alone forever, I can handle it." But he was crying, without even realizing it. A single tear fell from his cheek, hitting the plate in his hand. _You should take your medication, Sebastian. That'll make this feeling go away. _But he knew it wouldn't.

The plate slipped from his fingers. It fell to the floor in a long stretched out moment, as if it were a scene from a movie. Sebastian didn't even try to stop it. His heart wouldn't allow it, despite his OCD brain telling him that there would be a huge mess that he would inevitably spend hours cleaning up. Even when the mess wasn't there anymore, Sebastian would still be kneeling on the floor, grabbing at non-existent glass. There was a shattering sound. Sebastian flinched.

Ciel whisked around, eyes immediately darting to Sebastian, ignoring the broken plate.

Sebastian turned to him, now letting his tears fall freely, feeling embarrassed, sad, and somehow warm at the same time. _He's looking at me again, with concern. He really cares._

Ciel ran up to him, taking his injured hand again, and then the other one. "Are you alright, Sebastian?"

"Can I tell you something, Ciel?" Sebastian whispered, voice trembling.

"Tell me anything."

"I don't remember my past. I don't remember what made me the way I am."

Ciel nodded, slowly.

"So I can't tell you why I'm crying. I can't tell you why I dropped the plate. I can't tell you why I always shut the door over and over again. I can't tell you why I clean so much. I can't..." Sebastian trailed off, letting himself fall into Ciel's arms. He leaned his head into the crook of Ciel's shoulder, subconsciously aware of how perfect he fit. He could have died at that moment, both happier and sadder than he had ever been before.

* * *

_A/N: Are Ciel and Sebastian finally going to get together? Haha, maybe...maybe not. Next chapter will be up on Monday. _


	10. Not

_A/N: There's a song mentioned in this chapter. It's called Not In Love by Crystal Castles. I highly suggest you go listen to it to fully grasp this chapter. It's a great song, I promise._

* * *

_Ciel: I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry._

_ Sebastian: For what?_

_ Ciel: I'm a terrible person, Sebastian. _

_ Sebastian: Why?_

_ Ciel: Look at me! I'm a wreck, I'm a jerk, a complete-_

_ Sebastian: Stop saying that Ciel. You aren't like that._

_ Ciel: I'm breaking your heart, aren't I? You love me and I-_

_ Sebastian: Just hold me, Ciel. Please._

And so he did. Ciel held him there on the kitchen floor for hours, letting both of them cry. He could feel Sebastian's tears dripping onto his shirt, soaking through, and Sebastian's warm breath hitching every so often, trying to choke back sobs. Ciel ran his fingers through Sebastian's hair, stroking him as if he were an infant.

They didn't talk; they didn't need to. They sat in silence, listening to the traffic outside. Ciel looked down at the man on his shoulder, head burrowed, obscured. Ciel didn't want to imagine what Sebastian's eyes must have looked like. There must have been a deep, unreachable pain in them. He closed his own eyes and let himself melt into Sebastian, trying to find warmth.

Eventually it was Sebastian who broke away, face pink, tears dried on his cheeks. Ciel was right, Sebastian's eyes had a faraway, scared look in them. They smiled at each other, wearily. Once again, no words were exchanged. Ciel almost wanted to lean in and kiss him, but he knew it wouldn't be right. Not right now.

Ciel was now sitting on the sofa, laptop open, adding to his report. His heart wasn't really in it anymore. At first he had been excited, _Oh look, I've found someone who's suffering from pretty much everything. He'll be perfect for this assignment._ How quickly that had changed. Sebastian wasn't even remotely close to a project. Sebastian was all that mattered now. Not Alois, not a good grade, not popularity, or wealth..._Just Sebastian. I want him to be happy. I want to save him. _

The report was over twelve pages long. Spears had asked for ten, maximum, five minimum. Ciel would have to do a lot of condensing. Almost seven pages were dedicated to their conversations. From Ciel's very first so-called 'interview' to the conversation on the kitchen floor. He could have written a novel.

Ciel closed the laptop, stretching. Sebastian was fast asleep a few feet away. Ciel had a feeling that this was the first time Sebastian had ever fallen asleep on the couch. He smiled; Sebastian looked years younger when he was asleep. Innocent, unburdened. Happy, even.

"Ciel?" Sebastian had drifted awake.

"Hmm?"

"I'm glad you're going to live here." All the traces of Sebastian's earlier mood had vanished. He looked genuinely okay.

Ciel was just about to reply when his phone went off. He fished it out of his pocket. _Incoming call from Trancy, Alois._ Ciel ignored it. He scooted in towards Sebastian, resting his face a few inches away. "I think we're going to be okay, Sebastian," he whispered, suddenly feeling very exhausted. "We're going to be happy. _You're _going to be happy." He smiled, closing his eyes, head falling into Sebastian's lap.

Sebastian jolted, obviously not used to that kind of contact. He fidgeting for a moment, before relaxing. He awkwardly put his hand out, not sure what to do with it.

Ciel reached up, took it, and gently placed it on his cheek. They stayed their for another hour, both falling asleep.

When Ciel woke up, Sebastian had disappeared, the flat was silent. There was a small note on the coffee table.

_Ciel,_

_ Went out to buy some milk. You kind of drank it all this morning. I thought you might like some more._

_ Sebastian_

Ciel smiled. He sunk back into the folds of the couch. His phone buzzed again. He glanced at it. "Not going to answer, Alois."

It went off five more times, this time Alois had left five separate text messages. Ciel read them.

_How long do you think you're going to keep away?_

_ Come home, Ciel. _

_ I miss you._

_ Come back you fucking dick! I hate you!_

The last one had a link embedded in it. Ciel opened it. A song started to play. Not In Love by Crystal Castles. A shiver ran down Ciel's spine. He nearly threw the phone across the room.

Alois sent another message.

_It's a pretty accurate description, don't you think? ;)_

The door opened. Sebastian walked in, holding a quart of milk in his arms. He set the carton on the floor and proceeded to commence with his regular ritual of opening and closing the door. After he had finished, making sure the door was locked, he picked up the carton and walked over to the refrigerator. Noticing Ciel's irritated expression, he stopped. "Is something wrong?"

Ciel looked up. "No, no, I'm fine. It's just Alois."

Sebastian tensed up. "Oh."

"Don't worry. I'm staying far away from him, he's not going to bother us. I promise."

Sebastian nodded. "Oh, okay." He turned away, bending down to put the milk in the fridge.

"Hey, Sebastian?" Ciel stood up, stretching his legs.

"Yes, Ciel?"

"Do you want to get some dinner tomorrow, after you're done with work?"

Sebastian smiled. "Really?" His face brightened.

Ciel couldn't help but think he looked like an excited child at a carnival. He smiled back. "No one's ever asked you to dinner?" He already knew the answer. "Don't worry, you're not really missing out on much."

"Then why are you asking me?"

Ciel laughed. "It's what people do. They waste money on stupid, meaningless things."

Sebastian looked confused. "And yet you do it anyway? People are confusing me more and more all the time."

_Why does he always do this? Why does he always have to be so...so...cute? _"So do you want to go to dinner?"

"Are you asking me on a date?" Sebastian's face reddened. "Wait, no, I meant-"

"I am." Ciel's own words surprised him. He didn't like Sebastian, not in that way. How many times did he have to tell himself that? He wasn't over Alois, no matter how much he wanted to think so. It would be stupid, it would be idiotic, of him to ask Sebastian out, to even think about a relationship. _Think of all the girl's hearts you've broken, Ciel. Because you couldn't stop thinking about Alois. Because it was his name that would make you shiver. It was his name that kept you up all night. It was Alois who tortured your dreams and nightmares. That's not about to change. Not anytime soon. So don't you dare even get close to hurting Sebastian. He deserves better than you._

"So tomorrow, when I ge-get off work?" Sebastian was stuttering again, yet another adorable little trait. _Holy shit, now you think he's adorable?! _

"Yeah. When I get out of class I'll swing by and get you. I know a really great restaurant. You like Chinese?" Ciel smiled, though he felt like he was making the complete wrong decision. _All you're __going to do is get yourself in trouble. You're supposed to be his friend, nothing more. But he's in love with me! I'm already hurting him as it is, if I hold his hand, kiss him, even, it can only make him happy. That's my goal, isn't it? To make him happy? And you think getting into a fucking relationship with him is the way to make him happy? He doesn't even know how a relationship works. _

"I've-I've never had Chinese food."

Sebastian's words shook Ciel back into the presence. "Okay, we'll add that to your list. Number 4. Have Sebastian try all the great food he's missed out on."

"Thank you, Ciel." Sebastian said thank you the way a starving child in Africa would. As if every little thing Ciel said or did for him was like giving him the world. Ciel was giving it to him though, in his own sort of way. He was making him live, truly **live.** _I'm already saving him. _

Ciel's phone buzzed again. He wanted to ignore it, knowing full well who was trying to reach him.

"You're phone went off, Ciel," Sebastian pointed out. "It could be important."

_Haha. Important. _"Oh, I didn't notice," Ciel lied. He took it out and read what Alois had to say. _Do you want to die, Ciel?_ A cold rush of air seemed to hit him. He blinked a few times, making sure he had read it correctly. _Of course you know what is says. How many times has Alois threatened you before? _He decided to reply this time.

_Fuck you._

Alois replied less than four seconds later. _Do you know what I'm capable of, Ciel? _

He did. He knew very well what Alois was capable of. He had witnessed it. That first time, when the poor bird had died, had been one of the milder things. _Would you really hurt me, Alois? After all these years, don't I matter even a little bit?_ He knew the answer without having to send the message. _You mean nothing to me. _He meant nothing to the sadistic, blond haired, blue eyed, man he had loved forever.

"Ciel? Are you having second thoughts?"

"Huh?"

That confused look entered Sebastian's face again. "About the dinner. You seem tr-troubled."

"Oh. No, I'm fine. I'm just going to go lay down, okay?" Ciel turned away from Sebastian, trying to erase the despair written on his face. "You need to be better, for Sebastian's sake. He deserves the best man in the world. Right now, you aren't even close," Ciel whispered to himself, frustrated. He kicked the floor, and fell down onto the couch, taking his laptop out again. He glanced at his report for a second, and quickly closed it, starting on a new document. He typed the same sentence, over and over again, like an elementary school student in trouble.

_I'm not in love with Alois._

_ I'm not in love with Alois._

_ I'm not in love with-_

He fell asleep after number two hundred, leaving the document in full view.

* * *

_A/N: Ugh, why is Ciel's POV so freakin hard to write?!_


	11. Maybe

_A/N: This is mostly a filler chapter. I also thought it was about time things lightened up a bit...how long will that last?_

* * *

_I'm not in love with Alois, _Sebastian read. Ciel's laptop was sprawled over his chest, hands still over the keyboard. He was both beautiful and comical looking at the same time. Sebastian sighed and bent down, gently prying the laptop away. He typed.

_I love you, Ciel._ He quickly pressed backspace and set the laptop down on the coffee table. Ciel stirred a bit, mumbling something incoherent in his sleep. Sebastian smiled a bit, watched Ciel for a moment, and then left. He retired to his bedroom and fell asleep, the nightmares that had plagued him two nights previously left no trace. He only dreamed of Ciel, holding his hand, pulling him down the street, like Sebastian had seen the men called William and Grell doing.

When Sebastian awoke, he felt oddly refreshed. "I'm having dinner with Ciel," he said aloud, almost not believing it. "I'm really having dinner with him. A _date_. A real date!" He looked in the mirror; a grin stretched over his face. Sebastian felt like dancing, he felt like opening the window and shouting to the world: "I'm going on a date with the love of my life!"

And within a second, inexplicably, his overwhelming sense of joy dissipated. Typical. _What if Ciel doesn't really like you back? What if he's just trying to be nice? He already knows you're in love with him, maybe he's just trying to make you feel better. That's what he does, right? He helps you, he makes you happy, he __**saves**__ you. Time and time again, Ciel saves you. He admitted it himself once, that he was supposed to be your saviour, maybe that's all this is._

Sebastian shook his head. _Stop over-analyzing this, Sebastian! He wouldn't ask you out if he weren't over Alois, right? He wouldn't be so cruel..._But Sebastian knew that was a lie. Ciel could be cruel. Indirectly, unaware of it, unintentionally, but cruel nevertheless. _Remember when he asked you if you loved him? He knew full well that you wouldn't be able to answer, and then he just flicked it off, like it was nothing._ "But that's because of Alois. He couldn't get too close to me, because of him. But he's over Alois now." Again, Sebastian knew in his heart that that wasn't true. Ciel would always love Alois, at least a little bit. That was human nature. Just like Sebastian would always love Ciel, even if things never did quite work out. _You can't stop loving someone, not completely. But things will work out, and I won't have to even think about not loving him._

He jumped into the shower; his hand was already mostly healed. For a moment, Sebastian contemplated scrubbing it again, until it was pink. But he couldn't bring himself to, remembering Ciel's face full of concern and terror. _I won't make that mistake again, Ciel. I don't want to make the wrong decision._

After Sebastian turned off the water and toweled off, he dressed, pulling on a black sweater and black jeans with Converse sneakers. He combed his hair, letting it fall neatly right above his eyes. He rinsed the sink out and then rinsed the shower. After the bathroom looked sufficiently clean, Sebastian quietly walked down the corridor, trying not to wake Ciel. It was only about 7:30, after all.

"Sebastian?"

Too late. Ciel was awake, groggily stretching. "God, I'm sore," Ciel said, rubbing his shoulder. "Did I fall asleep when I was typing, yesterday?"

"I guess you must have been tired," Sebastian replied. "I-I set your laptop on the table, I left it on, just in case." Sebastian didn't tell him that he had seen what Ciel had been typing, although he was sure Ciel would figure it out. "I have to go to work now, Ciel. You'll pick me up then, for-for dinner?"

Ciel seemed to be in a different world. "Huh?"

"Dinner, you invited me to dinner." Sebastian shifted awkwardly.

"Oh, oh yeah. I'll be round the shop at say, six?"

"That would be perfect," Sebastian said, and he meant it. He wrapped a scarf around his neck, and put on his coat, closing the door, only once. He nearly flew down the steps, mood soaring high again, forgetting his momentary bad thoughts.

Sebastian walked, briskly, a spring in his step that had never been there before. He almost smiled at people as they hurried past him, going off to their own various workplaces. Sebastian unlocked the door of the book shop, flipped the open sign over, and closed the door, again, only once. _Am I really getting better? Finally? _It would be temporary. It always was. Eventually some new problem, some new conflict, would arise, and he would fall back into the depths of despair. _At least Ciel will be there. I know he will._

Sebastian wiped off the counter and bookshelves, despite the fact that absolutely no dust had collected over the weekend. He picked up a random book, _The Great Gatsby,_ and began to read, sinking into the chair behind the counter.

It was still dark outside, and there was no use wasting the electricity, seeing as the bills really couldn't be paid. The proprietor was still ill and hadn't bothered giving Sebastian the money set aside for expenses; it was only a matter of months before the shop would close.

The door swung open, and in walked a young woman with thick-rimmed glasses and pigtails. She strode up to the counter, and threw a pile of books atop it.

Sebastian stared.

"Got anything to say, Mister?"

Sebastian shook his head. "Are you alright, Miss?"

"No! No I am most certainly not 'alright.' Two weeks ago you told me you sold manga. These are comic books."

"I'm sorry, Miss. I'll-"

"Do you not know the difference?!"

Sebastian tried to scoot his chair closer to the wall. "I-I'm afraid not, but I'll refund-"

"Pathetic! Here, _this_ is a manga." She thrust a picture on her phone at him.

Sebastian stared at it, eyes widening. On the picture was a young man with red eyes and black hair, standing next to a prepubescent boy. They were both drawn in a cartoonish way, with a Japanese flair to them. The man with red eyes looked strikingly like Sebastian, and the little boy looked like a much younger version of Ciel. "What is this?" He asked.

The young woman laughed. "As if I'd tell you." She shuffled the various books around, and pointed at one of them, randomly. "Do you see the difference between that, and _this?_"

Sebastian nodded.

"Good. You should buy some. 'Cause, no offense, but this place is a ghost town. Maybe if you actually sold some _good _stuff, you'd get customers."

Sebastian nodded again.

"You don't talk much, do you?"

Another nod.

The woman laughed, again. "I'm Mey-Rin. And you are-" She read his name tag. "Sebastian." Suddenly her eyes widened. She studied Sebastian more closely. "Bloody hell, no way!" She drew her phone out again, and snapped a photo.

"Wh-what are you doing?"

Mey-Rin was shaking her head. "The resemblance is striking. You're gorgeous, you look just like _him_! You just don't have the right eyes. Have you, by chance, ever been a butler?"

_What is going on?_ "Umm, no. No, I haven't."

"What a shame. You'd be a great one."

"Oh, thank you-"

Mey-Rin cut him off. "Oh my god, do you know anybody named Ciel?"

_Well, he is the love of my life. _"Yes, yes I do-"

Mey-Rin cut him off again, with a loud squeal. Sebastian jumped. "Miss, are you-"

"Holy shit, I-I can't. I just can't. You should get Ciel and bring him here, like, right now! We can take pictures together. Do you cosplay? Oh my god, my brother has a suit, and we could paint your nails-"

_Honestly, what on earth is going on? Is it almost six, yet? _

"How does that sound?" Mey-Rin was bouncing on her toes, eyes glistening with- _are those __tears? Is she sad or happy? I can't tell._ "Tell me, tell me! Can I paint your fingernails black?"

_Is this what all social encounters are like? I hope not. _"I'm sorry, Miss, but-"

"Call me Mey-Rin!"

"Oh, okay, Mey-Rin, I have no idea what you are talking about. If it would be alright, I would like to continue this book." Sebastian held up his copy of _The Great Gatsby._

Mey-Rin frowned. "But-but..."

Sebastian looked away from her, and down at the open book in his lap.

"Sebastian!"

He jumped again.

Mey-Rin was staring at him, a deep frown etched on her face. "Can I at least take a picture with you?"

"Didn't you already take a picture of me?"

"_**Of **_you, yes, but not _**with **_you." Mey-Rin suddenly darted behind the counter, kneeling next to Sebastian. She held up two fingers, the peace sign, and smiled hugely. Sebastian, more confused than ever before, awkwardly smiled.

"Thank you! Thank you, thank you! Thank you a million times!" Mey-Rin admired the photo for a moment and hugged the phone to her chest. "Have a wonderful day, _Sebastian_!" She winked, waved, and then, she was gone.

"What was that?" Sebastian said aloud. He looked at the counter, there was still a pile of comic books. He jumped up, gathering them. When he opened the door, Mey-Rin was already long gone. He sighed and organized them, putting them in the comic section of the shop.

Sebastian continued reading his book for another hour or so, before deciding to clean. He bent down underneath the counter and took out the wipes, disinfectant, and a rag. He cleaned every inch of the shop. Hours hours went by, nobody came.

Eventually, Sebastian began to doze off. He drifted in and out of awareness, eyes still open, and then, they closed. He succumbed to the heavy darkness and boredom of the shop. He expected to dream of Ciel. Instead, he dreamed of Mey-Rin, a twisted, exaggerated version of the woman. She was chasing after him, an army of girls behind her. They were armed with pens and paper, pelting Sebastian with kisses, and assaulting his ears with girlish, delighted, screams. When Sebastian awoke from his short nap, he decided it had been a nightmare. Either that, or the most unpleasant dream in history.

The phone began to ring, bringing Sebastian fully back. He fumbled around, hesitated for a moment, and picked it up. "He-hello?"

"Sebastian, hey, it's Ciel."

Sebastian's heart leaped, as it always did when he heard Ciel's voice. He smiled, involuntarily. "Hi, Ciel," he breathed.

"Is it okay if I come a little early? I don't really feel like going to class today. We can go out for lunch, if you want-"

"I'd love to." Sebastian's smile widened. _Anything to get me out of this cold prison. _

"You're free, then?" Ciel's voice asked. "Surprising, I thought you'd be buried with customers."

It took a moment for Sebastian to realize he was joking.

"I'll be at the shop in a few minutes, okay?" Ciel hung up.

"Okay," Sebastian said, after the line was already dead. He smiled again, a feeling of euphoria overwhelming him. _We're going to go on a date. It's really going to happen. And maybe, just maybe, we can be together. _He crossed his fingers. _Maybe he'll finally move past Alois. Maybe I'll move past my depression, my OCD, my, well, everything. Maybe life will finally begin. _

Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.


	12. Cold

Ciel looked at his watch. 11:54. He had a feeling Sebastian was also looking at a clock. Probably anticipating exactly what he would say when Ciel walked through the door. "Hello, Ciel, how are you?," he would say in that excited voice of his, as if he hadn't seen Ciel for a long time, as if they were lovers reuniting.

Lovers. _We are not lovers. And we won't ever be. Not unless I get over Alois. _Ciel just wanted to stop thinking about it. _Stop thinking about Alois. You think about him every minute of every day. That stupid blond hair, and those stupid blue eyes, and..._ _JUST STOP!_

The book shop was right around the corner. Sebastian was probably staring at the door right about now. Ciel could imagine his eyes lighting up as soon as he saw Ciel. He sighed. "What are we going to do, Ciel? How are we going to avoid breaking that poor man's heart?" But there was no 'we,' Ciel was alone. He would break Sebastian's heart, inevitably. Surely Sebastian could see that too. Surely he knew it would happen. _But he loves me enough to risk that. _What Sebastian felt was nothing short of true love.

Ciel took a deep breath and pushed the door open. He braced himself for Sebastian's rush of emotion. That voice that could both make and break someone. "Hey, Sebastian," he said, trying not to sound too frustrated. Trying to shake all of his Alois filled thoughts away.

"Ciel!" There it was, that rush of excitement. That one word, _Ciel. _So filled with love and joy. The word that made Sebastian forget about his depression. "How are you?"

_Well, Sebastian, I'm not too well actually. I'm making a completely idiotic decision right now. I shouldn't be taking you to my favorite restaurant. I shouldn't have called this a date. I'm not good enough for you. I'm a horrible person. I have a past that I can't tell you about because it would hurt you too much. Oh yeah...I'm also still in love with the worst person in the world. So, basically, I'm feeling fucking terrible._ "I'm great," he said, tone flat.

Sebastian's eyes momentarily widened, but his gaze quickly returned back to normal. "That's good. Are you ready to go?"

_No. _"Yeah."

Ciel led Sebastian out, debating on whether he should take his hand or not. _Better not. It would be yet another stupid decision._ He shut the door after Sebastian was outside. Sebastian's eyes lingered on the knob for a second. Ciel could tell he was trying hard not to open and close it again. He touched Sebastian's shoulders. "Come on," he said, gently.

Sebastian shook his head, very slightly, it would have gone unnoticed if not for Ciel staring at him, full of concern. "It's alright, Sebastian. Let's go, you're hungry, aren't you?" Ciel tried to smile, though his mood was steadily getting worse.

"Oh, yeah. I'm sorry. I just usually...never mind..." Sebastian trailed off, eyes getting their faraway look, that look that was becoming all too familiar for the both of them.

"You still don't remember, do you? About your past?" Ciel shouldn't have brought it up. He should have shrugged it off, should have let the subject drop. The more he pestered Sebastian about his past, the more likely his own past would come to the surface. Ciel wasn't ready to face that. Not now, not ever. But rebelling against his mind was becoming a common occurrence the past few days. "Do you think that if we talked about it, you would remember?"

Sebastian stared at him, silently. He finally shook his head, slowly, solemnly. "I still don't remember, Ciel. And if it's okay with you, I'd rather not remember." He started to walk ahead of Ciel, a few strides faster.

_I'm an idiot! _"I'm sorry, Sebastian, I shouldn't have-"

Sebastian turned around. His eyes were wet with tears. "Can we please just eat, Ciel? I don't want to cry. I cry too much."

"Of course, I-"

Sebastian cut him off, suddenly grabbing his shoulders, almost forcefully.

Ciel was shocked. Was this really Sebastian? Timid, awkward, Sebastian?

Sebastian's grip tightened, he stared straight into Ciel's eyes for several seconds, tears falling freely. "Why do I have to be like this?" He said, self-hatred evident in his voice.

"We're all messed up," Ciel replied. _You have depression, OCD, social anxiety, and god knows what else. I'm in love with a sadistic bastard. We're both about as messed up as people come._

Finally Sebastian's face fell, he buried himself in Ciel's chest. It was a scene reminiscent of the day in the kitchen, when Ciel had held him for hours. Had that only been a day ago? Ciel held him again, stroking his hair softly, letting them sway back and forth in the bitter wind.

A few people walked by, either ignoring the scene or smiling inconspicuously. Ciel closed his eyes against Sebastian, feeling the warm body heat that radiated off of him. "We're going to be late," he whispered, softly. "I made reservations for 12:30."

Sebastian finally pried himself away, tears dried. He sniffled and smiled. "I'm sorry. I keep losing it, for no reason at all."

"It's alright, Sebastian. That's what I'm here for, right? Fuck, it's cold out here, come on, we might make our reservation if we hurry." Ciel opened the passenger door of the car, letting Sebastian in. Sebastian glanced from the door to Ciel and back to the door again.

"Let me guess, no one's ever opened a door for you before." _He's just like a newborn child, isn't he? Learning one step at a time. _

Sebastian smiled thoughtfully. "One of my foster mothers opened the door for me once. It was strange then, and it's a bit strange now...but...I like it." He paused. "Thank you, Ciel."

_Stop doing that! Stop treating me like I'm God's gift from heaven! I don't deserve it. _"It's no problem, Sebastian, really." He started the engine and let the radio play. "The restaurant is called Wo Ai Ni. Mandarin for, I love you."

Sebastian smiled. "That sounds nice." He closed his eyes against the seat and laid back. Ciel smiled back, despite his brain still telling him that this was a very bad decision and that if he were wise, he would kick Sebastian out of his car, drive off, and never see him again. _Don't ruin the poor man's life. Or at least, don't ruin it more than it's already been ruined. _

Ciel drove in silence, trying not to look at Sebastian, keeping his eyes fixed on the road. He turned the volume up on the radio, trying to get his mind to focus on the music. The current song was _Not In Love._ Ciel nearly screamed. _Good job, Alois. Thanks for ruining the song._ He changed the station. Sebastian glanced at him. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine, Sebastian."

"Is it Alois?"

Ciel nearly slammed on the brakes. "How did you know?"

"It's obvious. Whenever you get that faraway look, I know it's about Alois. Do you still love him, Ciel?"

"I'm asking _you_ out, aren't I?" But Ciel knew it was pointless, Sebastian could tell.

"It's alright, Ciel. You're afraid of hurting me, aren't you?" Sebastian was now looking directly at him. "I'm fine. You couldn't hurt me if you tried."

_How does he know? Am I that obvious?_ "But I can hurt you, and I will, eventually.I don't want to, Sebastian. You're already hurt, you've been hurt for so long. I don't want to make it worse. I want you to be happy."

Sebastian smiled. "I'm happy when I'm with you, Ciel."

That was the nail in the coffin. Ciel wanted to scream and cry at the same time. "But you deserve better, don't you see that?! Don't you see that, Sebastian? Don't you see how-"

"Stop it, Ciel! Stop calling yourself 'bad.' You're not. You're a good person. You're the only person to ever care about me, the only person to ever be there for me. You're the best person I've ever met." Sebastian's face was red, this time, not because of embarrassment, but because of anger. It was the first time Ciel had ever seen him angry. For once, Sebastian was completely invulnerable, completely in control. "Don't you dare call yourself bad again, Ciel! Don't you dare!" Sebastian sat back, face returning to it's normal pale shade.

Ciel stared at him in shock. "I-I'm sorry, Sebastian." For the first time, their situations were reversed. Ciel was the one reduced to stuttering, reduced to feeling like a child. And Sebastian was the one guiding him. "So you're okay with it?"

"Okay with what?" The familiar look of confusion spread across Sebastian's face, as if his outburst was already forgotten.

"Okay with me liking Alois?"

Sebastian ignored the question."Do you like me, Ciel? Not just as a friend, but as-as, more..." Sebastian trailed off. "What I mean is, you're not just doing this because you know I like you, right?" He shook his head. "Wait, don't answer that, I don't think I want to know."

Ciel stared at him. "I like you, Sebastian." _Do I like you as more than friends? I don't know yet. I just want you to be happy. That's all that matters right now. I'm going to make you happy, and I'm not going to break your heart. I'm going to do all I can to be the best person I can be._ "I like you, and whether that means as a friend or as a," he cleared his throat, "boyfriend, I don't know. I'll be honest with you. I really don't know. I'm confused right now, about everything. About Alois, about you, about life in general."

Sebastian nodded, slowly, absorbing everything. "Can we talk about something else now? Something happy?"

Ciel smiled. "Whatever you want."

"What does Chinese food taste like?"

Ciel laughed. _This is the Sebastian I'm used to. _"It tastes like heaven."

Sebastian knitted his eyebrows. "What should I get? What tastes good?"

"I'll show you when we get there." They drove the rest of the way to the restaurant, discussing real Chinese food versus westernized Chinese food. When they finally arrived in front of the restaurant, it was 12:52.

"We lost our reservation," Ciel said.

Sebastian shrugged. "Maybe we can go some other time." He smiled, though it was obvious he was disappointed. "But since we came all this way, maybe there's another restaurant you'd like to try?" He looked to Ciel for a reply.

"I'm not really familiar with this part of the city." They were a few miles west of the university Ciel attended. The university that he only took one class at. He didn't even know his way around the campus let alone the neighbourhood surrounding it.

"Then let's just sit," Sebastian said, and he plopped himself onto the curb. The narrow street was devoid of life, seeing as it was below freezing and the wind was blowing.

"Aren't you cold?" Ciel asked, shivering.

"I'm not cold when you're with me," Sebastian replied, smiling.

Ciel shivered again, this time not because of the wind. _One minute you're yelling at me, the next you're being adorable. Sebastian Michaelis, you are a mystery._ He sat down next to Sebastian, leaning his head on Sebastian's shoulder.

Sebastian tensed up for a second, but quickly melted into Ciel. They sat there for a few minutes, not saying anything.

"I've never been this close to anyone before," Sebastian said, breath visible in the air. "I've never really _**lived **_like this before." He burrowed deeper into Ciel's side, both of them completely leaning on each other. "Did you know that I had never hugged anyone before you?" He laughed. "Imagine that! Being twenty-six years old and not even knowing what a hug feels like."

_He was so miserable before me. He still is, even if it is getting better. _"Imagine being twenty-three and waking up in a different woman's room almost every morning, hungover, not remembering a thing. Just knowing that you're guilty of something. Knowing that you did something wrong, but not caring, because the person you love more than anything _wants _you to be like that. Because he _made_ you like that." Ciel closed his eyes. "Oh god, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to start talking about myself again, Sebastian." Ciel lifted his head off of Sebastian's shoulder. "Do you want to go back home?"

Sebastian nodded, but didn't stand up. "I've never kissed anyone either."

Ciel stared at him. _No. No. No. I'm not going to kiss you right now. That would be cruel._ But why? Why would it be cruel? Sebastian already knew about Ciel's conflicting heart. He had already admitted that he was just happy when Ciel was around him, regardless of Ciel's intentions and feelings. "Do-" he hesitated. "Do you want me to kiss you, Sebastian?"

Sebastian smiled. "I want it more than anything."

_This is a really stupid decision, Ciel. _But it was also the best decision he would ever make.

* * *

_A/N: Next update will be Tuesday._


	13. Kiss

_A/N: Sorry that took so long, I was going to upload it hours ago, but I got really busy. I know, excuses, but it's true! I was busy, that's also why it's a bit short. Next update will be Friday. And I'll try my hardest to upload faster. :)_

_And once again, thank you for all your favorites, reviews, and follows. I love you all ^-^_

* * *

Sebastian had heard stories about first kisses. Everything from 'disgusting,' to 'strange,' to 'heavenly.' Heavenly. That was his favorite description. He had hoped for years that his first kiss would feel like that. Of course, he knew the odds were against it. He knew that there wasn't even a large probability that he would ever have his first kiss. An odd, depressed, socially anxious person like him...and not to mention that he was now twenty-six years old. If it hadn't happened by this point, it was unlikely that it ever would. And so, to have the most beautiful man in the world staring at him, oh so close, so very close, was the most wonderful feeling in the world.

Sebastian tried to pull everything he knew about kissing into his brain, front and center. He had watched countless television series, films, and videos. He had listened to hundreds of songs, read hundreds of books, poems, even advertisements from the mail. He had read the definition of a kiss a thousand times. From Merriam-Webster to Oxford, he had memorized every word. And all of these years, he never dreamed that it would happen. He had never dreamed that he would be sitting in the cold winter wind, leaning against someone who truly cared about him, feeling warmer than he ever had before.

Ciel leaned in, so close that Sebastian could see the lines on his lips. He could reach out and trace them. "Are you absolutely sure?" Ciel whispered, scanning every inch of Sebastian's face, looking for any sign of uncertainty.

"I'm telling you, I want to kiss you more than anything in the world, Ciel." Sebastian smiled, heart skipping several beats. _Wait. Does he not want to kiss me? No! Don't think that, Sebastian! Don't doubt yourself, don't doubt him. You love him, and he loves you. But you love him as a boyfriend, while he may love you as a boyfriend or a friend, he doesn't know, you don't know-Just stop it, Sebastian! Just let him kiss you! Or maybe you should kiss him-_

Luckily, he didn't have to make that decision. Ciel touched his face, caressing it, slowly, gently. His fingers traced Sebastian's cheeks and the outline of his lips. He then let his hand fall, taking the collar of Sebastian's sweater. He moved his face closer, leaving less than a centimeter between them, the tips of their noses touching.

Ciel closed the gap between their lips, kissing Sebastian, slowly, passionately. Beautifully. Sebastian was only slightly aware that his heart had stopped beating. The whole world seemed to disappear, leaving only Ciel and Sebastian, locked in an embrace. Just the two of them, nothing and no one else to interfere. No Alois, no depression, nothing. All of Sebastian's flaws seemed to collapse.

Ciel's hands were entwined in Sebastian's sweater as well as his hair, sending shivers up Sebastian's spine. Ciel parted his lips, just enough so that his tongue could escape.

Sebastian moaned, completely involuntarily. He had never heard anything like that, let alone ever thinking that he could possibly make that sound. He suddenly became self-conscious, even a bit embarrassed. _Ciel's doing all the work. I don't even know how to kiss him back. What do I do? What do I do?!_ He silently prayed for everything he knew about kissing to come back to him. _Do I part my lips more? Do I dare do anything with my tongue? Oh god, oh god, oh god, I don't know!_

Suddenly Ciel pulled back. _Oh no, did I do something wrong? Was I too awkward? I must have been. I must be a terrible kisser. He'll never want to kiss me again- _"What's wrong?" Sebastian asked, incredibly nervous, yet incredibly exhilarated, trying hard not to lose the moment. Trying not to make anything awkward.

"I need to catch my breath!" Ciel exclaimed, laughing. "How was it, Sebastian? Did you enjoy your first kiss?"

_I enjoyed it more than anything. It was...heavenly. _Sebastian relaxed, letting his fears and concerns vanish. _I just had my first kiss. I just had my first kiss with Ciel Phantomhive. _He could have screamed it out to the world. He could have stood upon a mountaintop, shouting: "I kissed Ciel!" Everything that had ever gone wrong in his life seemed to be a million miles away. In a different world. There was no depression. No OCD. No social anxiety. No awkwardness. Nothing. The old Sebastian Michaelis was gone, replaced by a new, happy, liberated, Sebastian. _It won't last, and you know it._ He did. But that didn't matter, not now.

"Thank you, Ciel." He emphasized every word. Putting every ounce of meaning into them, hoping Ciel would understand. Hoping he would fully grasp just how grateful Sebastian was. It wasn't just a kiss that Ciel had given him. He had given him everything. He had given him a life. A real life. Not the monotonous, miserable, meaningless life Sebastian had been living the past twenty-six years. A new life, full of companionship, love, endless possibilities.

Ciel nodded, apparently at a momentary loss for words. Finally, he spoke. "Do-do you want to kiss again?"

Their roles were reversed once again. Ciel the stuttering child, and Sebastian, the one in control. He responded to Ciel's question by pressing his lips full force, finally remembering everything he knew about kissing.

"Ciel?"

They broke apart. Both Sebastian and Ciel's faces were pink. Ciel looked up, a mixture of embarrassment and joy on his face. He cleared his throat, looking at the figure who had crept up beside them.

_Please don't let it be Alois. Please don't let it be Alois. Not now. Not ever._ Luckily, it wasn't. Sebastian looked up, his eyes widened. He had seen the man before. The man with the glasses, running down the street in the middle of the night with that red-haired man. _William. _

"Professor Spears!" Ciel stood up, brushing nonexistent dirt off his pants. "What are you doing here?"

"You had class today, Ciel. You skipped out, and for what, to see your **boyfriend**? You know you're one of my best students, right? I told you that, didn't I?"

Both Ciel and Sebastian stared at the professor. Ciel embarrassed, Sebastian confused.

"Is it any of your business what I do with my personal life, Professor?" Ciel stood up, defending both himself and Sebastian. "And you didn't answer my question. What are you doing here?"

"Do you know how much faith I have in you, Ciel? Out of all my students, you're the only one who actually gives a damn! I know it's none of my business, but please, Ciel, please don't make me lose my faith in you." William, or Professor Spears as Ciel knew him, sighed, breath visible in the air. "And where the hell has Trancy been? You and him spend every bloody second together, but he hasn't been to my class, or anyone's class for months. Again, it's none of my business, but is he alright? Are you alright? And by the way, it's lunch time. I'm meeting someone here." He pointed at the restaurant.

Sebastian looked from Ciel to William and back to Ciel again. _He's probably going to meet Grell._ He watched as Ciel shifted, visibly uncomfortable. Finally, after what seemed like forever, Ciel spoke. "Alois and I are no longer friends," he said nonchalantly. But it was obvious, Sebastian could see how much pain Ciel was in. To say something like that, out loud, to acknowledge that the person he was still in love with was no longer in his life. _But Alois is still in his life. Ciel will seem him again. I'll see him again. I don't want to, but it's going to happen, no matter what._

Professor Spears nodded. "Oh." He opened his mouth to say something else, but quickly closed it again. "Your next class is on Friday. Can I expect to see you?"

"Yes, Professor. I'll be there, I'm sorry I disappointed you." Ciel gave Professor Spears a small nod, and then turned to Sebastian, signaling the end of the conversation.

Professor Spears gave a quick acknowledgement towards Sebastian, and then walked briskly away.

"Are you alright?" Sebastian asked.

"Why wouldn't I be? I just kissed an attractive man." Ciel laughed, but it was obviously fake.

"You're thinking about Alois, aren't you?" It was so painfully obvious, that even naïve Sebastian was having no trouble seeing the blond haired, blue-eyed boy in Ciel's eyes. "It's okay. I know how hard it is for you." _We've just barely had our first kiss, and already, it's as if we're breaking up. But we aren't. It can't happen this fast, can it? Oh stop it, Sebastian! Why do you have to over analyze ever __single little thing?!_

"Let's go home, Sebastian. How about I don't mention Alois for a whole week? Think I can do that? I'll ignore every text, every phone call, even if he shows up at the fucking door, I won't answer it, okay?" Ciel made an attempt to smile. "I'll spend time with you. We can buy you a phone. We can go to every restaurant in London, how does that sound?"

"It sounds wonderful," Sebastian said, and he meant it, though he knew Ciel didn't. He took one last look at the Chinese restaurant in front of them. _I'll forever remember this restaurant as the spot where Ciel first kissed me. Wo Ai Ni, I love you._

They both got in the car; Ciel immediately turned the heater on. "Are you cold, Sebastian?"

_No. I'm still warm from earlier._ Instead, Sebastian nodded. Ciel took his hands. "Still cold?"

Sebastian laughed.

"I'll take that as a yes," Ciel moved his hands to Sebastian's face, holding them there for a second. His eyes widened. "You're crying," he whispered.

_Am I?_ Sebastian touched his cheek; sure enough there was a single tear dripping down his face.

"Why are you crying, Sebastian? I thought- I thought you were happy today-"

"It's _**because**_ I'm happy, Ciel." Sebastian laughed again. "I've never felt so happy." He broke out into a smile. _Despite everything. Despite all of my problems, despite all of your problems, I'm happy right now. Yes, I know it won't last. I know that eventually this happiness will come crumbling down, but like I thought before, it doesn't matter right now. I'm going to take this happiness and revel in every glorious second of it._

Ciel started the engine. "Sebastian Michaelis, you never cease to amaze me."

_Ciel Phantomhive, I love you._


	14. Shopping

_A/N: So I tried to upload this earlier like I said I would, but I got busy, again! Ugh, it's just the end of the school year is coming up and I've got a lot going on, hopefully when school dies down I'll be able to fully devote myself to this story. And I'm sorry, this chapter is largely filler, and honestly it's really reminiscent of other chapters. But there's some nice fluff, so that's good :) _

_Oh yeah, next update will most likely be Tuesday, I'll try to get it up before then though, if I have time._

_Happy reading!_

* * *

"Why don't we go out and buy you a phone?" Ciel swirled a spoon around his cup of tea, mixing the sugar and cream. He looked across the counter at Sebastian, who was scrubbing at some nonexistent stain.

Sebastian glanced up. "But I have to go to work."

Ciel laughed, despite Sebastian's completely serious tone. _Are we like an old married couple already? We've only been together a day._ "The shop won't miss you today."

"What exactly would I do with a phone? I don't have any friends." Sebastian set the dishrag down, now squinting closely at the counter.

_Oh Sebastian. Why do you always do this to me? Why must you be so innocent? _"You're right, you don't need a phone. But we can go and watch a movie or something. We can go on a date."

Sebastian's eyes now met Ciel's. He instantly brightened. "Can we go to the restaurant that we didn't get to go to yesterday?"

"I'll make a dinner reservation. Anything else you wanna do?"

"I don't know what couples do." Sebastian shrugged. He looked down, shifting, almost uncomfortably.

"I'll show you," Ciel said, and he reached across the counter, taking Sebastian's hand, the one that had been injured. It was now completely healed, except for a little stretch of pink skin. "Does it hurt anymore?"

Sebastian smiled. "It never did hurt."

_Here he goes again, saying all the right things. Being so...perfect...and yet...so imperfect._ It was inexplicable. Or rather, completely explainable. It was just that Ciel didn't want to admit it. He didn't want to admit that what he was feeling was genuine attraction. Yes, it was true that Sebastian was more than a friend now, and it was still true that Ciel didn't really know exactly how he felt, and exactly how he loved Sebastian. _Why does it have to be so complicated? If it weren't for Alois-No. Don't think about Alois. _ He had promised Sebastian, promised that he wouldn't mention Alois for a full week. Of course, he still thought about him, almost every second. Every little thing reminded him of Alois. The color blue, to certain songs, to the smell of coffee,(Alois's favorite drink.) It was frustrating, even infuriating. _It's not fair. All the time I'm telling myself that I have to be a better person, for Sebastian's sake. I've only made progress on the surface, while my brain still gravitates towards Alois. While my heart still cries out for Alois. Alois. Alois! Alois fucking Trancy! _

"So do you want to do something, before dinner?" Ciel took a sip from his tea. "I mean, I hate to deprive the people of your books, but-"

"I only get one or two customers a day," Sebastian said, matter-of-factly.

"Exactly, Sebastian. It was a joke. God, we really need to work on your sense of humor. I'll add that to the list." Ciel smiled and stood up, taking one more sip of tea. He stretched his arms out and yawned. "We can go buy you a phone, get that checked off the list."

"Even though I said I didn't have anyone to call?"

"You have me."

Sebastian smiled, though he looked a little confused. "But you're here, I would only need to call you if you weren't here."

_Stop doing that to me, Sebastian! _"Well, I won't always physically be _here_, Sebastian. I-" _I have a life. Okay, not really, but I like to think that I have a life._ "I go to class and parties, and sometimes I go shopping, and-"

"You won't disappear, will you Ciel?" Sebastian was still smiling, but there was a faraway look in his eyes. Something dark and irreparable, perhaps depression creeping up on him. It was sad to watch, sad to see how fast someone could go from overwhelming happiness to shattered glass. It only took a few words, or a memory.

"I will never disappear, Sebastian, I promise." Ciel reached out to touch Sebastian's shoulder. "Do you hear that, Sebastian? I will never disappear." He took Sebastian's other shoulder and leaned inwards, kissing Sebastian's forehead.

Sebastian hugged him, deeply, melting into Ciel's grip. "I love you, Ciel," he said so softly that Ciel almost missed it. He tensed up, almost pulling away from Sebastian. Almost wanting to run away. _Don't say that knowing that I can't say it back. I love you, Sebastian. I won't deny that, but I can't say it until I know __**how**__ I love you. Who are you to me? Are you Alois's replacement, or am I truly falling in love with you?_

Tears almost escaped Ciel's eyes. He blinked them away, and held Sebastian tighter. He kissed him, slowly, passionately. And almost...solemnly. As if it were a farewell kiss, although he knew that wasn't the case. After all, he had just promised he would never disappear. He had meant what he said; he was not about to break Sebastian's heart.

"Alright," Ciel said softly, breaking their embrace. "Let's go shopping." He gave a quick smile at Sebastian and then turned to go and grab his scarf and coat.

Sebastian followed after him, although it took him several more minutes to get ready, as he insisted on dusting off all his clothing, despite the face that whatever little amount of dust was on them was so minuscule, it could have only been visible with a microscope.

Ciel took Sebastian's hand, dragging him out the door. "Come on! Your clothes are fine!"

They ran down the street, Ciel holding Sebastian's hand all the way to the bus stop.

"Don't you want to take the car?" Sebastian asked, pointing at the vehicle that was already a hundred feet behind them.

"We always take the car. Don't you want some variety?"

Sebastian looked confused, a look Ciel guessed he had now seen a million times. "Variety?"

Ciel nodded.

"But when has your life ever been varied?"

_He's right. I've spent my life partying, partying some more, and, oh yeah, committing unspeakable, unforgivable crimes. And Sebastian, well, he's spent his life in misery and failure. And of course, there's the things that happened that he doesn't remember. _"It's never been varied, Sebastian. In a way, my life has gone just as wrong as yours."

Sebastian didn't answer. He was already sitting on the bus, patting a seat for Ciel. He waved out the window, a smile on his face.

_He's excited again. Like a child discovering Play-doh. _Ciel hopped on the bus, paid for both him and Sebastian, and sat down. He took Sebastian's hand. They rode in silence, although Sebastian spoke out every so often, pointing out buildings he had never seen before and smiling at sites he found amusing or strange.

Ciel watched him quietly, almost enviously. If only Ciel himself could be like that, if only he could forget everything he had done, if only he could be a little boy again. Before his parents died, before he met Alois. Before Alois took his heart. _Stop it! Stop thinking about Alois! _

He took his phone out of his pocket. There were over two hundred unanswered messages. Every single one from Alois. Ciel tentatively decided to open a few. They all said the same basic message: _Do you want to die, Ciel?_ Ciel shoved the phone back in his pocket. He had nothing to worry about. Alois didn't know where Sebastian lived, he wouldn't be able to find them. They were safe. _Alois won't hurt us. He won't hurt Sebastian. He won't hurt me. _But the other part of his mind told him that Alois was very much capable of hurting them. Finding them wouldn't even be an issue, Alois had his ways. Ciel had witnessed enough of Alois's crimes to know very well what could happen.

"Ciel?"

Ciel turned, he realized he was holding onto Sebastian's hand a little too tightly. "Oh, sorry," he muttered.

Sebastian eyed him, suspiciously, but quickly looked back out the window. "I know who you're thinking about," he said. "It's alright, Ciel."

"Let's get off here," Ciel said, pretending he hadn't heard Sebastian's words. "There's a great store on Regent Street."

"We're in the West End?"

Ciel nodded. "You've never been to the West End?"

Sebastian shook his head. "I've only been here with you, when I went to that party you invited me to."

"Have you ever seen the Buckingham Palace? Big Ben? Westminster Abbey?"

Sebastian shook his head again.

_Wow. He really is a child. _"I'll take you sometime." Ciel got off the bus, taking Sebastian's hand, and pulling him along the street. Sebastian looked at their joined hands, a bit sheepishly.

"Something wrong?"

"Is-is this...okay?"

Ciel looked at their hands and around at the flood of tourists and Londoners. "Holding hands?"

"Ye-yes."

"Yeah, why wouldn't it be?"

Sebastian's face reddened. "People don't care about being gay?"

Ciel laughed. "Even if they did, it wouldn't matter. Not to me, but if you're uncomfortable, we-"

"I'm okay," Sebastian quickly said, and smiled.

"So you're okay with this?" Ciel kissed him on the lips, a fleeting, furtive kiss.

Ciel led him down the crowded street, pointing out his favorite spots. He walked into the Apple Store and immediately strolled to the arrangement of iPhones. "This," he said. "You need one of these."

"Isn't that too much? I won't use it much anyway-"

"It's fine, Sebastian. I have the money." Ciel immediately realized he had said the wrong thing. He had just sounded like a total asshole. "Oh, shit," he whispered. "I mean, I can pay for it. I want to buy it for you, it's a gift. Just think of it as our one day anniversary." He tried to laugh, trying to get rid of the awkwardness he had just established.

Fortunately, Sebastian hadn't even comprehended it. "Thank you, Ciel. That's really nice of you, I'm sorry I can't really buy a gift for you-"

"I'm fine, Sebastian. I don't need a present, really. This is just for you, something to say 'thank you.'"

Sebastian's eyebrows furrowed. "Thank you for what?"

"Does it matter? Thank you for being here, Sebastian. Thanks for letting me live with you. Thanks for sticking by me, just...thanks." Ciel supposed that in his own strange way, he was trying to tell Sebastian he loved him, without explicitly saying it. He couldn't say it out loud yet, not until he was sure.

"You're welcome, Ciel." Sebastian picked up a phone and smiled at it. "It's really cool," he said.

"And I'll be your first contact."


	15. Conversation

A poor lit room, crowded, loud, and all around irritating, Sebastian couldn't fathom why Wo Ai Ni was Ciel's favorite restaurant, or why anyone wanted to eat there. Or maybe it was just him. A socially awkward, obsessive compulsive, self declared freak, could not fit in anywhere, let alone a fancy expensive restaurant. But Sebastian's poor thoughts quickly subsided when he realized Ciel was right across from him.

Finally, their first 'official' date, or maybe it was their first 'conventional' or 'traditional' date, although Sebastian really didn't know what couples typically did, except of course what he learned from movies. According to Hollywood, couples liked to fight and have a lot of sex. That couldn't be the norm, even Sebastian could see pass the ugly veneer of Hollywood.

He realized Ciel was staring at him. He blinked, "Sorry, what did you say?"

"I asked if you wanted white rice or fried rice for the side dish." Ciel smiled. "Already thinking about dessert?"

Sebastian blushed. "I'll-I'll have white rice."

Ciel nodded. He waved to the waiter. "So do you like it so far? The restaurant?"

_Well, I suppose I should be honest._ "I don't really like it, Ciel. It's-it's...uncomfortable."

"Too loud?"

"What?" Sebastian couldn't hear over the din of voices and dishes clanging.

"Never mind!" Ciel yelled, trying to drown out the noise. "I know the general atmosphere sucks, but trust me, the food is amazing!"

Sebastian shook his head, indicating he hadn't understood a thing Ciel said. They both laughed and shook their heads. Ciel took a pen from the tray of condiments and wrote something on a napkin. _Let's just eat :)_

Sebastian laughed and nodded.

The waiter finally came over, after attending to at least three other tables before theirs. He nearly dropped his notebook. "Ciel Phantomhive?"

Both Ciel and Sebastian looked up, hearing the squeal of delight. "Oh my god, it is! The famous Ciel, we meet again! You saw me last week, remember? We both take classes from Will-I mean,Spears."

Ciel's face noticeably darkened. "Oh yeah, hey, Grell. You work here? That's cool."

Grell smiled. "It's an absolutely fabulous job, Ciel. If you ever need a job, I can put in a good word for you, I heard you used to be a regular here, always coming with Trancy-"

Ciel cut him off. "Yeah, yeah, he and I aren't really on speaking terms right now, or well, ever, actually."

"Oh, really? I saw him this morning, he was going to Psychology, you know, the class that you guys were supposed to take together, but he ended up ditching all the time-"

"How do you know all of this, Grell?" Ciel stared at him.

_Because he's dating the professor,_ Sebastian thought.

Grell's face reddened. "Sorry, I'm talking too much aren't I? Oh yeah, I should take your order. There's like twenty other tables, so I have to be quick." Grell swore under his breath. "Fuck, you know what, never mind. You don't want to work here, Ciel. It's torture, pure torture." He gave the middle finger to an elderly couple waving their hands and yelling at him. "So what do you want?"

"Just orange chicken, with a side of fried rice, and for my boyfriend, sweet and sour chicken with white rice."

Grell's jaw dropped. "Did you just say, boyfried?! Ciel Phantomhive has a **boyfriend**?!"

_So do you. _Sebastian began to open his mouth to say something, but he decided he was better left out of the conversation. Grell obviously didn't want anyone to know about his relationship with William.

Ciel wore a triumphant look. He reached across the table and took Sebastian's hand. "Grell, this is Sebastian. Sebastian, this is Grell."

_I know. _Sebastian gingerly put out a hand. "It's nice to meet you, Grell."

Grell smiled. "He's totally nicer than Trancy was. I'm happy for you, Ciel."

"Thanks, now as much I'd love to sit here and talk with you all night, I kind of want to hang out with my boyfriend. We're starving."

Grell nodded. "Of course, of course. Your food will be out in like ten minutes. Have fun!" He winked and walked off.

"Sorry, Sebastian. He's weird." Ciel sighed, and realized he was still holding Sebastian's hand. He grasped it a little tighter. "What do you want to do tonight?"

Sebastian blushed again, though he knew Ciel wasn't implying anything. _We've been dating for less than two days. Now isn't the time for that. _But looking at him, nothing but a table between them- _What's happening to you Sebastian?_

He glanced across the noisy room at Grell who was at another table now, taking another order. He suddenly felt pity for the poor man. _Ha! Sebastian Michaelis, pitying someone other than himself. This is new._ Grell must have loved William as much as Sebastian loved Ciel, but the difference was that Grell had to hide it. Sebastian didn't. _No, I just have to deal with the fact that Ciel is in love with someone else, and oh yeah, don't forget that I'm a severely messed up person who has no idea why I am the way I am._

"Sebastian?"

Sebastian looked up, realizing he had retreated into his own little world again. "What did you say?"

"Was there anything you wanted to do tonight? Do you wanna watch a movie?"

"Not really," Sebastian admitted.

"Me neither," Ciel smiled. "I'm tired, and there's nothing good playing right now anyway."

"Ciel?"

"Hmm?" Ciel yawned.

_Should I tell him what I want to do tonight? No, maybe...no. No. NO! You don't even know how to do it!_ Sebastian bit his lip. "I-I-" He stopped. _You've waited twenty-six years, wasn't that long enough?_ "I want-"

"Are you alright, Sebastian? You look like your about to faint." Ciel laughed.

"When did you lose your virginity?" Sebastian hadn't meant to say it. He hadn't meant to blurt it out. "No, that's not what I meant-"

"It's alright, Sebastian. It's normal to wonder."

_Is it really? Do couples really talk about these sorts of things? _"Oh," was all he said.

"I was fifteen. He-who-must-not-be-named took me to a prostitute. It was one of the weirdest experiences of my life." Ciel sighed. "Sex is supposed to be beautiful. I've never had beautiful sex, though." He frowned slightly. "Sebastian, I don't want you to end up making the mistakes I did. I know that it's really unlikely, but don't let emotion take control. It can get ugly, fast."

Sebastian nodded. "Are you ever going to tell me about your past? Of course, you don't have to. It's okay if you don't-" _Actually, no, it's not really okay. I'm in love with you, but I don't really know you. _

"I do need to tell you, Sebastian. But not here. We'll go home and I'll tell you everything. Can you make me a promise?"

"Of course, Ciel."

"It's okay if you hate me after I tell you. But please, please, don't blame me. I'm spent the past year trying to stop blaming myself. I couldn't bear it if you blamed me too."

_I could never blame you for anything. No matter how bad it might be. And hating you? Yeah right, I could never hate you Ciel Phantomhive. _"I promise you, Ciel."

"Thanks, Sebastian. Now let's eat, I'm fucking starving."

Sebastian studied his eyes for a few seconds. Ciel had withdrawn, away from Sebastian, away from the crowded, loud restaurant, and was now in whatever nightmare his mind forced him in to. _Why is it that we both have to have so many problems? Can't we be normal? Can't we be like any other couple? Even William and Grell have it easier than us._ _All I want is for us to belong to each other, I don't want us to be slaves to our own minds anymore. Is that too much to ask for? Of course, because normal doesn't really exist._

Grell arrived back at the table with two plates of food. He plopped them down and then rushed off again, giving a quick wave to Ciel and Sebastian, and then running off without saying a word.

Ciel dug in immediately, wasting no time. He ate ravenously, avoiding Sebastian's eyes. It was obvious that something was wrong. Ciel ate to obscure whatever misery was creeping in. Whereas Sebastian forwent eating, almost completely.

Sebastian poked the food, and suddenly lost whatever little appetite he had. _How can I eat when I'm in pain? _And then he was frustrated. _Why are you in pain, Sebastian? You should be happy right now. You're eating with the love of your life. _Why did depression have to come on so suddenly, so unexpectedly, at the worst of times? It wasn't fair. Life wasn't fair.

"It's delicious," Ciel said, food stuffed between his cheeks.

"Ciel?"

Ciel took another bite, chewed, and swallowed. He set his fork down and wiped his lips off. He met Sebastian's eyes.

"You said sex was supposed to be beautiful."

"You're talking about that again?"

_I'm a twenty-six year old virgin, Ciel. _"Do you think-do you think that it really could be?"

Ciel shrugged. "I don't know, Sebastian. It's messy, ugly, and every once in a while, it's disgusting. There are moments, moments where both of you are completely vulnerable, where everything is completely stripped away, those moments are almost beautiful, but not quite." Ciel sighed. "Like I said, we can talk about everything at home. Now isn't the time or place." He took another bite, but gave up after a few seconds, defeated by Sebastian's look of confusion and concern.

"Do you think, we-we..." Sebastian trailed off. _No, I'm not ready for that...but I am. I love him so much...I-_

"I can tell what you're thinking," Ciel said, tone flat. "Sebastian, I don't want to make a decision I'll regret. I don't want to hurt you."

Sebastian stared at him. "You could never hurt me, Ciel. No matter what you say or do." _I've been hurt before, nothing you do would make me feel any worse. I can only feel better, right? You can only take my diseases away. You can make them disappear. When I'm holding your hand, I don't have depression. When I'm kissing you, I don't have OCD. _

Ciel took his hand again. "Do you think we're ever going to get past this stage, Sebastian? Pass this stage of constantly saying 'no' and 'sorry,' and 'I'm not good enough.' Do you think we'll ever be a normal couple?"

"I don't know what a normal couple is, Ciel." Sebastian smiled. "I don't even know what normal means."

Ciel reached across the table and kissed his cheek. "Let's go home, Sebastian. I think I've suddenly lost my appetite."

They stood up. They walked hand in hand out of the restaurant, happy to be away from the constant noise and chaos. They rode the bus all the way back to London's East End, Sebastian's head resting on Ciel's shoulder. _So what happens tonight? Do I learn about his past? Do I regret learning about it? Do we sleep together and wake up tomorrow morning feeling wonderful, or do we wake up feeling more miserable than ever?_

_ Why do I feel so scared?_

* * *

_A/N: Grell and William aren't just random. They are somewhat important, in case you were wondering. I guess they're kind of like the subplot. Anyways, the next update will be sometime between tomorrow and Friday._


	16. Murder

_A/N: This whole chapter is pretty much a flashback. Except for a tiny snippet.  
_

* * *

"Ciel, I'm bored." Alois slumped against the wall, taking a long drag of his cigarette. "Let's do something."

"Like what?" Ciel sat next to him, their knees nearly touching.

"Let's ditch school." Alois grinned, slyly. "After all, what the hell has school ever done for us?" He laughed.

"And what would we do, Alois? Get kicked out of a store? Sneak into a movie? Sounds like a pretty shitty thing to do. Besides, we have an exam today, in Biology." Ciel tugged on Alois's knee. "Come on, lunch is almost over, I don't wanna be late." He stood up, brushing the dirt off his uniform.

Alois rolled his eyes. "Bloody hell, Ciel! You're a fucking pansy! Come on, let's have some fun!" He reached up and brushed his fingertips against Ciel's. "You want to, don't you?" He whispered.

Ciel shivered. He yanked his hand away, still feeling the ghost of Alois's fingers. "No, Alois, I don't want to."

"Do you remember what I said to you, all those years ago? Don't get weak on me-"

"Or we can't be friends," Ciel finished, sighing. "Do you think that scares me, Alois?"

"It should," Alois breathed, pleasant eyes turning dark. "Do you want to skip school or not?" He smiled, dark look erased.

"Fine. But not again, okay? I'd rather not jeopardize my future."

"Very funny, Ciel. As if school matters to you, you're already fucking rich." Alois laughed. "You have trails of money falling out of your ass!" Alois stood up. "Which reminds me," he cupped Ciel's bottom, swiftly, and laughed at Ciel's shocked reaction. "You're so hot," Alois cooed.

Ciel turned away, blushing."Are we ditching or not?"

Alois dropped his cigarette and stomped on it. He then bent down to cover it with a pile of dirt. Satisfied, he smirked. "Let's go then."

They walked down the sidewalk, away from the school campus, away from the several other teenagers eating and chatting, unaware of the psychotic, sadistic blond. Alois was the cult leader, Ciel the blind follower.

When they were at least half a mile away, Alois stopped. "There's an alley over there."

"Yeah, so?" Ciel rolled his eyes. "Alois, I didn't ditch school to see where you buy your drugs."

"There's a guy there, he goes by the name of Undertaker." An evil grin spread across Alois's face. "He's a total creep, long gray hair, but he's not old, an ugly scar across his face, and he's always dressed in black."

"Is this supposed to scare me?" Ciel asked. "What the hell are you on about, Alois?"

"He's a murderer, Ciel," Alois whispered, as if he was speaking of something sacred. "He's killed dozens."

"What does this have to do with us? Why did you bring me here, Alois?" Ciel's heart began to beat rapidly. He tried to concentrate on Alois's eyes, those beautiful blue eyes, but he couldn't. Those eyes were dark and stormy, the clear azure, obscured. There was that look, that look that Ciel had seen the day Alois killed the bird in the park. That look he had tried to ignore every time Alois killed a character in a video game, every time Alois saw a picture of a dead person. That look that would consume him, almost everyday.

Alois turned to him. "He's going to show me, Ciel. He's going to show me how." Alois almost squealed. "He's going to show me how to kill!"

"Alois, look at me, you don't want to kill. You don't-"

"Are you weak, Ciel?! Tell me, are you weak?!" Alois raised a hand, ready to slap him. "If you want to be with me, you won't be weak! Do you understand that, Ciel? Do you?!"

Ciel didn't want to lose him, no, he couldn't handle that. They were seventeen years old, they had already known each other for so long. He couldn't let that friendship go to waste, that...love. "What love?" Ciel whispered, so softly Alois didn't hear him. "I love you, Alois Trancy! Don't you understand that?!"

Alois raised his eyebrows, taken aback. He opened his mouth, but quickly closed it. Finally, he softened, dropping his raised fist. He smiled, warmly. "Of course I understand, Ciel. Of course I do. I shouldn't have brought you here, I'm sorry. Let's go back to school." He draped his arm over Ciel's shoulder.

"Thank you, Alois," Ciel said.

"For what?"

"For not becoming a murderer."

Alois laughed. "Yeah, yeah, Ciel." He turned his face away, so that Ciel didn't see the vicious look in his eyes.

Ciel barged back into class half an hour late. Ciel accepted the inevitable scolding, though his heart wasn't really absorbing anything. He was too busy staring out the window, at Alois. The blond was standing right outside the classroom, waving and winking. His lips said: _You may not like ditching school, but I fucking love it!_ Ciel smiled, forgetting Alois's outburst. How quickly he could forgive, how quickly he could forget.

When school was over and Ciel was sure he had failed the Biology exam, he rushed outside, down the steps, and all the way to his flat, where he was sure Alois would be waiting.

"Hey, Angelina," he called.

Aunt Angelina poked her head out from the hallway. "Christ, Ciel! Stop slamming the door! And for the love of god, tell Trancy to stop coming in without knocking! Doesn't he ever just go to school?"

Alois appeared from the living room. "My dear, Angelina, school is an utter waste of time. I have much better things to do."

Angelina rolled her eyes. "You should pick better friends, Ciel. I'm afraid Trancy's going to be the death of us." She straightened her red dress. "Tell me boys, can I go on a date in this?"

"My, my, Angelina, you're absolutely stunning in that dress. Red suits you."

Angelina rolled her eyes again. "You're a flirt, Trancy. You know that right?"

"I'm very well aware." Alois winked, looking at Ciel. "Now please, can you, like, go now? Ciel and I have a project to work on."

"Fine, fine! Bye Ciel, love." She waved. "Oh shit, I'm late! I'll see you boys later." Angelina, heels clanking, slammed the door as she left.

"And she tells me to stop slamming the door," Ciel mumbled."We don't have a project, so what are you planning?"

Alois laughed. "What, I just don't like her always being here. I wanted some time alone, with you." He scooted across the couch and reached out, grazing Ciel's stomach. "Sit with me, Ciel."

Ciel's face reddened.

"Come here, Ciel," Alois said, more forcefully, though still seductively.

Ciel sat down.

"Good. Good." Alois leaned into him, sliding his hands over Ciel's stomach and chest. "Can we fuck, Ciel? Please?"

Ciel shivered. "We've done it every night for the past week," he said, softly. "Don't you ever get tired?"

"Tired? Of sex? Look at me, Ciel. I'm Alois fucking Trancy! I don't get tired." He fingered the waistband on Ciel's uniform. "Did I ever tell you how hot you look in that uniform?"

"What, you have a thing for schoolboys?"

Alois responded by kissing him, forcefully, his tongue darting around Ciel's mouth. "So, can we?"

"Of course," Ciel breathed.

...

"I'm going to skip that part, if that's alright. It doesn't really add anything to the story." _Actually, it shows that I was an idiot. I fell for Alois because he was charming, charismatic, beautiful, he was everything to me. And he was a sadistic bastard, but that didn't stop me. He manipulated me over and over again. He destroyed me. _

Tears began to drip down Ciel's face. "Do you really want to hear more, Sebastian?"

"Please, Ciel." Sebastian took his hand. "Nothing you say will hurt me. I promise."

"Don't make promises you can't keep Sebastian." Ciel squeezed his hand. _Can I really do this? Can I really tell him what I did? He's so fragile, so innocent. How can I possibly do this to him?_ He took a deep breath.

Sebastian gave him a reassuring nod. "It's okay, Ciel."

...

Ciel laid back on his bed, naked, and sweaty. His chest rose and fell rapidly, his mind still swarming. He turned towards Alois, who's back was next to him. "Alois?"

"What, you want more, already? Give me a few minutes."

"No, it's Angie, she'll be back soon."

Ciel could hear Alois's muffled laugh in the sheets. "As if she doesn't already know, Ciel."

"But don't you think it'd be kind of shocking, finding your nephew in bed with his best friend?"

"Funny, seeing as you've walked in on her, what, like a trillion times?" Alois turned to him. "What is she, like 40? And still she manages to get a different boyfriend here almost every week."

"Do you ever stay at your own house?" Ciel leaned over and kissed Alois's cheek.

"Why would I stay there when being with you is much better?" Alois kissed him back, on the lips. "Anyways, I have to go. I've got some business to take care of."

Ciel raised his eyebrows. "What do you mean, 'business?'"

"Must I tell you everything?"

"If you want to keep fucking me," Ciel said.

Alois laughed. "You're not going to like it though."

"What is it?"

"The Undertaker."

Ciel sighed. "Didn't you promise you wouldn't go there?"

"I don't recall promising anything, Ciel." Alois stood up, stretching, and putting on his clothes.

Ciel grabbed his shoulder. "Please, please don't go, Alois. You can change, you know. You can be normal." Ciel knew he had said the wrong thing as soon as the words came out.

"Normal? Fuck you, Ciel! Just what the hell is wrong with me?"

Ciel started to shake his head. "It's nothing, it's nothing, Alois!"

"It had better be nothing." Alois softened. "I'm going now. I'll see you at school tomorrow, if I feel like going." He bent down, gave Ciel a quick kiss, pulled his shirt down over his head and left, almost silently.

Ciel sat up, staring at the open door for several minutes. His heart filled with dread. For what, he wasn't sure. This wasn't the first time Alois left him. This wasn't the first time Alois did something stupid. He did stupid things on a daily basis. He also did evil things on an almost daily basis. How many times had Ciel played witness to a dog or cat's murder? How many times had he watched Alois laugh at pain? How many times had he himself been subject to Alois's sadistic tendencies? But worst of all, why was he okay with it? How could he possibly be okay with Alois's terrible behavior?

His phone rang. Ciel reached over on the nightstand, fumbling for it. He answered immediately. "Alois?"

"Oh god, Ciel. I'm in trouble. Get over here, as fast as you can! Hurry up, okay?"

The line went dead.

"Alois?! Alois!" Ciel dropped the phone, jumped up, and threw some random clothing on. He scrawled a quick note, just in case Aunt Angelina came home. He ran down the four flights of stairs it took to get to the building entrance. He whistled for a taxi. It was one in the morning, taxis were far less frequent at that time of night, especially in a relatively quiet neighbourhood like Ciel's. He swore under his breath. He would have to run.

It took over twenty minutes. Ciel burst into the alleyway. It was dark, at first appearance, there was no one there. "Alois?" He called. "Alois, please don't tell me this is a joke." Ciel could hear his heart beating, thumping, so fast it seemed it would fall out of his chest. "Alois! Where the hell are you?!"

"Right here, Ciel." Alois appeared from a few feet ahead. "Undertaker is dead."

"What?" Ciel stared at him. He glanced downwards; even in the relative darkness, he could see red splattered over Alois's hands. "What did you do?" Ciel's head began to feel light, he felt like collapsing. "What did you do, Alois?"

"Guess," Alois said, voice emotionless.

"No, no! How could you? How could you kill someone?! He wasn't a murderer, was he? He was innocent. Why did you kill him, Alois?"

"Because he was weak," Alois hissed. "How many times have I told you? Weak things don't belong."

Ciel suddenly felt very small, and very weak. Very, very, weak. He felt like sinking. Alois approached him. "You're not weak, are you, Ciel?"

"No, I'm not weak, Alois! I'm not weak." Ciel was crying now, letting his tears fall freely.

"Then do me a favour." Alois smiled in the moonlight, lips curled, madly. "Undertaker had a friend. A little girl. She's an orphan, just like you, Ciel. But now that she's lost her guardian, I'm afraid she's become a little bit, well, **weak**."

"Alois-"

"Kill her, Ciel. She's annoying, rude, and stupid. She doesn't deserve to live."

"Alois, how can you-"

"Fucking hell, Ciel! Do it!" There was that look again, that dark, ugly look. Alois's eyes were swimming with evil. He grabbed Ciel's shoulders, forcefully. "Do it, Ciel," he whispered.

"Where-where is she?" Ciel was shaking. He knew it was wrong. He knew it was stupid. He knew he would regret it forever. But it was Alois, it was his love, telling him to do it. He couldn't refuse that. He just couldn't. His mind was already gone.

"Elizabeth, darling, come here. Alois has got a new friend for you."


	17. Vulnerability

"I killed her, Sebastian! I killed that little girl!" Ciel's face fell into his lap. His body wracked with sobs. "I killed her, I killed her, I killed her," he whispered, over and over again, until he couldn't speak anymore.

Sebastian stared at him; it took several seconds to register everything Ciel had said. He couldn't decide whether he should be shocked, horrified, angry, or- _Do I dare think it? Pity? I pity him. I don't hate him. I could never hate him._ _I can only feel sorry for him. _

"Are you going to say anything?" Ciel lifted his face, it was a mess of tears and sweat. His eyes were framed in red while the rest of his face was puffy and pink. "Do you hate me, Sebastian? If you don't, you should." Ciel stared at him, waiting for an answer. "She was innocent. She wasn't weak, not like Alois said. She was strong. She didn't even cry."

"I don't hate you, Ciel. How many times do I have to tell you? I could never hate you-"

"Why, Sebastian? Why do you love me? There are so many people out there, so many people better than me. People who you could be happy with, people who would love you just as much as you loved them-"

"I don't want anyone else, Ciel. I love you," Sebastian said, firmly. "You made a mistake, you were blinded, but you're better now-"

"I'm not better!" Ciel shouted. "I killed an innocent little girl. I let Alois get away with whatever he wanted. And now, what do you think is going to happen? Alois will come after me, he'll drag me in again, lure me like he's done so many times. And you'll be all alone, again. Dying in your misery, while I go off and drink and party and hate myself even more." Ciel's face fell again. He cried, silently this time, not wanting to feel even worse.

"I'm not the one dying right now," Sebastian said, softly. "Ciel, I won't let Alois destroy you. I'll keep you safe." _Very funny, Sebastian. You protecting him, see how long that lasts._ Sebastian put his hand out and rested it on Ciel's shoulder. "It's going to be alright, Ciel."

Ciel closed his eyes. "Was I ever really happy? Or did I just pretend, all these years?"

_How are we ever going to be happy? We're both about as miserable as two people can get. _Sebastian decided not to answer. He tightened his grip on Ciel's shoulder. _It's going to be alright. It __**has**__ to get better. _But there was a knot in his stomach that just wouldn't go away. That constant knot, always there, every hour, every second. The weight of his depression. Even those little moments when Ciel would kiss him, or hold him, or even look at him, weren't enough. _Why does it have to be like this? Haven't the both of us been through enough? _

"I'm going to bed, Sebastian." Ciel stood up, hesitating for a moment. "Thank you for listening. Thank you for not hating me." He smiled, but Sebastian could see right through it. He could see the great pain in those eyes, surely the same pain that reflected off his own eyes. "Thank you," Ciel said again, emphasizing it.

Sebastian nodded. "I'll always listen, Ciel."

Ciel disappeared into the bathroom. Sebastian sat on the couch for a few minutes, still absorbing everything. The scenes of Alois and Ciel in the alley replayed in his mind on an endless loop; he could only imagine what Ciel must be feeling. The personal hell that he couldn't escape, the torture Ciel must have gone through, after all these years. He could picture Alois with his dark charm and evil laugh, a classic psychopath. A movie villain. Except Alois wasn't from a movie, he was real. Far too real.

"Sebastian?"

Sebastian looked up, he hadn't realized he was still sitting. "Oh, I'll-I'll move. Sorry."

"No, don't leave yet." Ciel sat next to him. "Are you alright?"

_Why is he asking if I'm alright? I'm the one who should be asking him._ "I'm fine, Ciel."

"It's getting easy to figure out when you're lying. You always say your fine, when in reality, you're always the one who's more hurt. Are you really okay with what I said? Didn't it disturb you, like, at all?"

_Of course it did. You murdered a little girl. It would be insane if I wasn't disturbed. But I forgive __you, Ciel. You've changed. _That knot again. _Stop it! Ciel has changed. He won't let Alois in again, __**I**__ won't let Alois in. We. Are. Going. To. Be. Fine. Do you hear that? _The knot tightened. "Ciel, you've changed-"

"Stop saying that, Sebastian! I haven't changed and you know it! I'm in love with two people, one's a sadistic bastard, the other is...you." Ciel's eyes widened. He opened his mouth again, but quickly closed it. They sat in an awkward silence for what seemed like forever. "I can't say it though, Sebastian. I'm so sorry, I can't say it." Ciel began to cry again. "Damn, I've cried a lot lately, haven't I?" He sniffled and wiped at his tears. "I should stop crying." He smiled, this time more genuinely.

Sebastian's heart wanted to shatter and burst at the same time. Shatter because Ciel couldn't say he loved him, burst because, well, Ciel loved him. _He loves me. I'm not his pity project, I'm not just his friend, he truly loves me. _He almost laughed. They had come so far from the day in the bookshop. Such a long distance. Had that meeting only taken place a few weeks ago?

Ciel reached out, caressing Sebastian's face. "I'm not tired anymore," he whispered. "I feel better now. At least, a little bit." He closed his eyes, resting his head in the crook of Sebastian's neck. Again, Sebastian realized just how perfect they fit together. Sebastian ran his fingers through Ciel's hair, ruffling it, gently. Calmingly. His vision began to drift in and out of focus. Ciel's face became blurry.

"Don't fall asleep," Ciel whispered. "Stay awake with me, Sebastian." He lifted his head and planted a kiss on Sebastian's neck.

Sebastian shivered against the touch. His grip tightened in Ciel's hair. He almost pulled at it. _No. No. No. Now isn't the time for this. We aren't doing this, not tonight. I'm not ready for that, and besides, he just finished telling me about his past. He killed someone. A few minutes ago he was crying. A few minutes ago you were telling him that everything would be alright. You can't sleep together. Not right now. Not when you're both so vulnerable-_

He remembered the conversation from the restaurant. 'There are moments, moments where both of you are completely vulnerable, where everything is completely stripped away, those moments are almost beautiful, but not quite.' _Vulnerable. We're both incredibly vulnerable. If not now, then when? I love him. He loves me. I want to make him happy. He wants to make me happy. This is what would make us happy, right? Isn't that what everybody says? Sex is supposed to make you happy, right?_

"Are you asleep?"

"No, I'm just...thinking." Sebastian smiled. "Ciel?"

"Hmm?"

"Could we try something?"

Ciel smiled back. "What are you thinking, Sebastian?"

"Could-could we...I..." Sebastian trailed off. _How do I ask this? How do you let someone know what you want? Do you just say: "Hey, do you want to sleep with me?" Or maybe I should ask it more like Alois would: "Can we fuck?" No, that sounds, ugly. How would Grell ask? "Ciel, my dear, can we get it on, like, right now?" No. No. No. Why is this so hard? _"Can we, maybe..." Sebastian shut his eyes in frustration. "Never mind, Ciel."

"No, tell me, what is it?" Ciel smiled at him, reassuringly. "Is there something you want?"

_Ciel. Can't you see that my eyes are practically burning with lust right now? I want you. I want you. That's it! That's what I should say. _"Ciel, I want you."

Ciel stared at him, blankly. "What?"

_Oh no. What if he doesn't want to? He doesn't want me- Just stop it, Sebastian! _"I-I want you."

"You mean like," Ciel glanced downwards, at Sebastian's crotch. "Like that?" His expression turned from confused, to amused, to-_Is that arousal? Is that what arousal looks like?_

"Yes, Ciel," Sebastian said, flustered. _I've wanted this for a long time now. _

"But, Sebastian-"

_I knew it. He doesn't want me like that, not now. This is terrible timing. This is the worst timing! _"It's okay, Ciel. I shouldn't have asked."

Ciel laughed. "Come here, Sebastian." He tugged on Sebastian's sweater, pulling him forward, kissing him, hard. "Are you sure about this? Is this really what you want?" He asked, after the kiss broke apart.

"This is probably all I've ever been sure about." And it was the truth. Even if sex wouldn't solve all their problems, even if it was just a temporary comfort, a temporary escape, that would be enough.

_I might regret this tomorrow morning._

* * *

_A/N: Aww Sebastian is so cute and awkward and asdfghjkl, I'm fangirling over my own writing...I think you know what the next chapter will contain. ;) _


	18. Love

_A/N: I was trying really hard to upload this yesterday, but I was on a freaking road trip. I was in the car all day. Sorry about that. _

_And thank you so much for all the reviews. Your amazing reviews keep me going, thank you, thank you, thank you! _

_And here's the moment you've all been waiting for, I hope you like it :)_

* * *

_How do we do this? _Ciel Phantomhive was not known for being awkward. _No, never. I'm not. I'm not awkward. I know how to do this. I've done it before, hundreds of times. With dozens of people. Oh god, Ciel, that's not something to be proud of. _

If Ciel wasn't awkward, why was he sitting an inch away from Sebastian, not meeting his eyes, and not meeting his crotch either? _What the hell is going on with me? This is supposed to be easy, it is easy. You love him. He wants you. You want him, I mean, why wouldn't you? He's gorgeous and innocent, and so adorable, of course you want him, so why are you staring at him like a fucking idiot? Stop it!_

"We should go to the bedroom. It would be more comfortable." _Good job, Ciel. Now you know what you're doing._

"Oh yeah, of course." Sebastian blushed, slightly. "You know more about this than I do, Ciel." He smiled.

"You trust me, right?" Ciel scanned Sebastian's face, looking for any sign of doubt. It was obvious Sebastian wasn't actually ready for something like this. But would he ever be ready? Was it possible that someone so damaged, so innocent, so...Sebastian, could ever really be ready for sex? Surely it could make things even harder for Sebastian, it could hurt him, emotionally and physically. It was something that had to be taken seriously. It could not be treated the way Ciel had treated it for years.

Losing his virginity to a prostitute, sleeping with a drunk girl in the back of a car, giving Alois a blowjob in the restroom at a restaurant, (not a good idea) and countless other, stupid, careless, things. He was not going to be stupid or careless with Sebastian. He was going to be gentle, understanding, and caring. He was going to make Sebastian happy.

"Of course I trust you, Ciel. Of course I do." Sebastian smiled again, brighter, wider. He was absolutely glowing.

Ciel nodded and smiled back. "You know how this works, right?"

"I-I've watched some...stuff." Sebastian blushed. "Will it hurt?" He suddenly blurted, face reddening deeper. "It-it seems like it hurts. I mean-it's okay if it does-"

"It's your first time, Sebastian, I won't lie to you, it will hurt. But I promise you, it will be alright, and if you change your mind, if you want me to stop, just say so." Ciel gazed at him. "Alright? Just let me know."

Sebastian nodded and took a deep breath. "Okay. I'm ready now."

Ciel kissed him once on the cheek, reassuringly. Sebastian took his face and moved it toward his lips. "Please, Ciel."

Ciel laughed against him, and pressed his lips to Sebastian's, gently. Sebastian kissed him back, more forcefully. "Please," he said again, "you don't have to be so careful with me, Ciel."

Ciel responded by kissing him harder, parting his lips so that his tongue escaped into Sebastian's mouth, tickling his teeth, and tasting every part of him. Sebastian moaned, softly, yet it was enough to make Ciel very, **very**, aroused. He pushed his body up against Sebastian's, so that they were side by side. "We didn't go to the bedroom," he whispered lightly.

"We don't have to," Sebastian replied. "I'm comfortable right here."

"You sure?"

"Ciel!"

Ciel laughed. "All right, all right." He caressed Sebastian's face and held it in his hands for a moment, searching Sebastian's face, trying to see what the man was thinking. He couldn't tell. For once, Sebastian's emotions weren't written all over his face, plain for the world to see. For once, there wasn't a deep sadness in those eyes.

"What is it, Ciel?" Sebastian's face turned to concern.

"You look so..." He trailed off.

"Happy, Ciel. I'm happy." Sebastian laughed and pulled Ciel in closer, so that there was no space between them. Sebastian kissed him.

Ciel gasped against him. "You've learned, quick, Sebastian." He entangled his fingers in Sebastian's hair and began to plant kisses down his throat and onto his neck, Sebastian closed his eyes, obviously enjoying every second.

Ciel was very aware of how only a thin layer of material was separating their skin. The room felt very hot, suddenly. He fingered the collar of Sebastian's sweater for a second and then quickly moved his hands down to the bottom of the sweater. He lifted it up, touching Sebastian's already hot skin. He lifted the shirt up all the way and threw it across the room. He hadn't seen this much of Sebastian since the day in the bathroom when Sebastian had injured his hand. That day already seemed like forever ago. Already Sebastian had come so far, he was so different in such a short period of time.

He touched the warm skin, gently running his hands down Sebastian's sides. The man was so gorgeous, despite being so pale, and skinny. He had an inexplicable beauty.

Ciel lifted up his own shirt over his head, letting it fall down to the floor, Sebastian reached up to touch Ciel's skin. Ciel shivered; they had never had this kind of contact before. They had never been this close, never so intimate. And it was so completely different from anything with Alois, so much more...beautiful.

_Beautiful. Maybe sex will be beautiful, finally. _Ciel kissed Sebastian's stomach, the flesh right above his belly button; he looked up, making sure it was okay. Sebastian was smiling. "It's okay, Ciel." Ciel nodded and kissed him again. He then began to move his hands down, slowly, watching Sebastian, still looking for any sign of doubt.

He stopped his hands right above the waistband of Sebastian's jeans. He held his fingers there for a moment, hesitant. He looked up. _Is it okay?_

Sebastian nodded.

Ciel positioned himself over Sebastian and began to slide his jeans down. Sebastian helped him, sliding them completely off, letting them hang on the edge of the sofa. Now Sebastian was in nothing but boxers. Ciel was aching to take them off, aching to throw them across the room, but he stopped. Sebastian wasn't quite ready for the main event. Although it was obvious how aroused he was, seeing as the bulge in his boxers was decidedly, well, huge. (And growing by the second.)

Sebastian was now tugging at Ciel's jeans. He hadn't even realized he still had them on. He had been so distracted by Sebastian's beautiful skin, so distracted by all the scenarios running through his mind. He hadn't even realized how much he himself was throbbing. He helped Sebastian slide his jeans all the way off.

They were both in nothing but boxers now, and yet they both felt naked. They both felt vulnerable. Ciel kissed Sebastian's inner thigh, while running his hands gently down Sebastian's legs. Sebastian was shivering and moaning at every touch. It was almost time. Ciel positioned his fingers by Sebastian's boxers, this time not hesitating. He slid the underwear off, revealing Sebastian's erect member.

"Are you still alright?" Ciel asked, voice a little bit dry, seeing as they had done nothing but kiss and touch for the past several minutes.

Sebastian gave him a reassuring nod. "I'm fine, Ciel." His voice shook a bit, he was nervous.

"Don't be nervous, you're going to be fine." Ciel planted a reassuring kiss on Sebastian's neck and then reached down, taking Sebastian's length into his hands. Sebastian moaned loudly. His whole body shivered.

"Is it too much?" Ciel asked, getting nervous. _Don't hurt him. This is his first time._

Sebastian shook his head. "Ciel, I'm fine. I'm completely fine."

Ciel continued. He squeezed Sebastian's length, so gently that he wasn't sure Sebastian could even feel it. He looked up, reading Sebastian's face.

_Harder, Ciel. It's okay. _Ciel squeezed harder and listened to Sebastian's little gasps of pleasure. He was now fully aware of his own growing erection. He suddenly felt very confined in his boxers. He needed to be released. It was time.

Ciel pulled his boxers off and let them drop. He was now fully exposed. They were both completely naked. Sebastian's eyes widened. It would have been comical; Ciel would have laughed if he hadn't known how nervous Sebastian was.

"Turn your body over, Sebastian." Ciel's voice was shaky. _I'm nervous too._

Sebastian turned so that he was face down. He took another breath.

"It's okay, it's okay," Ciel cooed, as if he were comforting a child. He moved so that he could see Sebastian's face. He kissed his forehead. "Remember, we can stop whenever you want to."

Sebastian nodded. "I'm starting to get tired of saying I'm fine."

They both laughed. Ciel moved so that he could position himself over Sebastian's body. _Shit. I need lube. _He stood up. "I'll be right back, Sebastian. I have to get some lube. Be comfortable, alright?" _Shit. Shit. Shit. _Ciel ran to his bedroom, again, this could have been very comical, running down the corridor utterly naked, but he was incredibly nervous. He pulled open the drawer of his nightstand, and rifled through till he found the little bottle. Ciel could have kissed it. He ran back to Sebastian, who was lying on his side, eyes closed.

"I'm sorry, Sebastian. I have it right here." Ciel held it up. Sebastian opened his eyes, he was smiling. "Don't worry, Ciel."

Ciel gave him a quick kiss. They got back into position. Ciel rubbed a dot of lube onto his length, closing his eyes against his own touch. He had an overwhelming urge to shove all the way into Sebastian, but he quickly buried that thought. He put some more lubricant onto his fingers and gently pried Sebastian so that he could loosen him up. Ciel had flashbacks of Alois doing this very same thing to him. He remembered their first time together, Ciel being in Sebastian's same position. It had been very different, though, not intimate, not even remotely romantic. Ciel had hated it, and yet, they had done it over and over again. He pushed those thoughts away and concentrated on what was happening now.

Ciel very gently pushed a finger into Sebastian's entrance.

Sebastian's back arched. He gritted his teeth.

"Are you okay?" _Don't hurt him, don't hurt him._

"Keep going," Sebastian said through clenched teeth.

Ciel added another digit. He scissored back and forth, still trying to loosen Sebastian's very tight walls. He burrowed his fingers a bit deeper, doing a zig-zag motion. It was clear that Sebastian wasn't going to get much looser. _I don't want to hurt you._ Ciel pulled his fingers out, both at the same time. Sebastian cried out.

"I'll stop if you want me to-"

"Don't stop, Ciel. Please don't." Sebastian was still speaking through clenched teeth.

"I'm going to go in now," Ciel whispered. He positioned his length right over Sebastian's small entrance. After a slight hesitation, he thrust inwards, making Sebastian cry out in pain again.

Ciel was immediately aware of how amazing this felt. He hadn't done this for a long time. He moved so that he could get into the most comfortable position. "Tell me where it feels best," he said, softly, gently moving his length deeper, searching for Sebastian's sweet spot.

It was obvious when he found it. Sebastian's moans of pain quickly turned into moans of pleasure. "Right there," he gasped, as Ciel thrust again. He moaned, loudly. "Right there," he said again, gasping for breath.

Ciel kept thrusting into the spot, hitting it as hard as he could. He could feel himself reaching his own limit. He hit the spot again, making Sebastian's back arch. A moan escaped his own lips at seeing how utterly perfect Sebastian looked. Sebastian's eyes were closed and he wore an expression of absolute ecstasy.

"I'm-I'm almost there," Sebastian gasped. "Ciel-" he reached up suddenly, tangling his hands in Ciel's hair. "Ciel," he gasped again.

Ciel thrust one more time; it was enough for both of them. Sebastian screamed his name again as his body began to convulse, a whitish, sticky substance shooting out of him. Ciel came inside of him, shooting off everywhere. They rode out each other's orgasms together for several minutes afterward. Finally, Ciel fell down next to Sebastian on the sofa, chest rapidly rising and falling, gasping for breath. They were both covered in sweat. Ciel leaned over and held Sebastian in his arms.

"Thank you, Ciel," Sebastian whispered.

"I love you," Ciel said. _Did I really say it? Does this mean I'm over Alois? _He hoped so. He really hoped so.


	19. Happiness

_A/N: I did not mean to go a week without updating. I am so sorry about that! Anyways, I hope this makes up for it at least a little. I'll make the next chapter longer._

* * *

"Good morning."

Sebastian opened his eyes, slowly blinking. He lifted himself up, looking at Ciel's bright face standing over him. "What-what time is it?"

"A little past nine. You're not used to sleeping this late, right?" Ciel laughed. He handed Sebastian a cup of coffee. "I suck at making coffee, so if you hate it, just tell me."

Sebastian took the cup without taking his eyes off Ciel. "I should already be at the shop. I should go-"

Ciel took Sebastian's arm. "It's okay, Sebastian. Things don't have to be awkward, just because we-" He paused. "Just because we slept together. I'm still me, you're still you. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, Ciel. It's just, I need to...absorb it I guess. I-I need to make sure it really happened, that it wasn't just a dream." Sebastian smiled. "It wasn't right? It wasn't a dream?"

"Is _this_ a dream?" Ciel stooped down to kiss Sebastian. They broke apart after several seconds, Sebastian breathing in deeply. He could taste the bittersweet coffee on Ciel's breath. He smiled again. "That was real," he whispered.

He watched as Ciel moved across the room, taking their empty cups and dumping them into the sink. Sebastian had a strong urge to wash them right away, cringing at the sight of the dishes laying coffee-stained in the spotless sink. He resisted though, relaxing at the fact that Ciel was indeed intending to wash them and that he wouldn't just leave them.

"I know you like things clean," Ciel said from the kitchen, running the dishes under the water. "You can go get ready for work, and I'll clean the flat for you. Then we could go out later, or something."

Sebastian smiled. "All right. Thank you, Ciel." He stood up and sat down again, suddenly, realizing he was still naked. He glanced up, making sure Ciel hadn't seen anything. _But Ciel's already seen me naked, so why am I embarrassed?_ He sighed, shook his head, and pulled the blanket around his waist. He could tell his face was bright red.

"Do you want me to swing by the shop today?" Ciel called, turning the water off. "And then we could go out to eat again, or maybe a walk? What do you want to do today?"

_What do regular people do?_ Sebastian didn't know what he wanted. He had already gotten what he had wanted for a long time. There was nothing else. He had Ciel. That was everything. _No, that's not everything. Do you have happiness, Sebastian? True happiness?_What was true happiness anyway? Sebastian certainly felt happy. He had never felt so amazing, so alive, all his life. _It's temporary though, isn't it? I might feel fine right now, but it won't last. _Whatever happened, good or bad, Sebastian simply couldn't remain happy. _Or can I? _

_I'm making progress, aren't I?_ He wasn't cleaning every spare second, he wasn't opening and closing doors more than once, he wasn't rubbing at his skin so harshly in the shower. The OCD seemed to be at least partly cured. The depression was gone for at least a little while. Even the social anxiety didn't seem to be such a huge problem. Sebastian was getting better. Even so, there was that knot in his stomach. _It won't last. It won't last. It won't last..._

"Sebastian?"

He looked up. "Sorry? What did you ask me?"

Ciel was back in the living room now, standing a few feet away. "What do you want to do today?" He took a few strides closer and ran his fingers through Sebastian's hair, smiling softly. "We don't have to do anything, if you don't want to."

"What do you want to do, Ciel?"

Ciel sighed. "I just want to look at you-" he paused, "Yes, that's all I want. That's all I **need**." He smiled, wider. He was glowing. "Do you remember what I said last night, Sebastian?"

Sebastian remembered perfectly. He remembered every single moment of that night. "You said you loved me." His heart skipped a beat. _So he's over Alois, right? He said before that he couldn't say he loved me unless he got over Alois. _"Did you mean it, Ciel?" He looked at the floor, pretending to study the design on the rug. He was crossing his fingers behind his back. _Please say yes, Ciel. Please mean it. Please love me._

"Of course I meant it, Sebastian," Ciel breathed. He sat down, taking Sebastian's hands into his, grasping them tightly. "Of course I meant it," he said again, and tears began to roll down his cheeks. "I love you, Sebastian Michaelis, I love you." He began to laugh, still crying at the same time. "I love you, I love you, I love you!"

"Ci-Ciel? Are you alright?" Sebastian's eyes widened in concern. Ciel was a mess of emotion, sobbing and laughing. He laughed even harder at Sebastian's question. "Ciel?"

"I'm over him, Sebastian! I'm over him!" Ciel stood up; he looked as if he were about to dance. "I'm over Alois fucking Trancy!" He laughed again, hysterically. His eyes glistened with pure joy. At that moment, Ciel could have been a small child on Christmas morning. "Sorry," he added after a few seconds. "I didn't know I'd get so worked up." He blushed slightly, and cleared his throat.

Ciel blushing was probably one of the most beautiful sights in the universe. Sebastian dropped Ciel's hands and took Ciel's face. He leaned in, kissing him, slowly, passionately, melting into him. Sebastian finally broke away, realizing he would be late for work. "I-I have to get ready for work, Ciel."

"All right," Ciel sighed. "I promise the flat will be spotless by the time you get back."

Sebastian stood up, blanket wrapped around his hips, and walked to the bathroom, quietly shutting the door behind him. He dropped the blanket, opened the shower curtain, turned the water on, and stepped in. He let the water run over him, closing his eyes, remembering vividly the previous night. It was hard to believe it had really happened. And so funny to think that he had been scared, scared of what Ciel's past might contain. Scared of whether they would sleep together or not. Scared of regretting it if they did.

He didn't regret it one bit. How could he? Still, was it really the best decision? _I know Ciel. He's not just a one night stand. I love him and now I know he loves me. We made the right decision. Everything is okay. _Suddenly, there weren't any problems in their lives. Ciel was over Alois. Sebastian had Ciel. They were both happy. _It __**will**__ last. This happiness isn't just temporary. I'll make it last. I have to._

Sebastian rinsed and scrubbed, pausing to look at the hand that had been injured. There was no evidence of the injury. It had faded; it was now nothing more than a memory. He could still remember Ciel grabbing his hand, looking at him with concern. That was their first 'moment.' Perhaps it was the first time Ciel had feelings for him. He wasn't sure, and he never would be, what was important, was that Ciel loved him now.

He turned off the water and smiled. _I didn't rinse every single tile like I usually do. _He stepped out, dried himself, and gazed in the mirror. He didn't look as pale or gaunt as he usually did. He was more...alive. That was the best way to describe it. Alive. Sebastian Michaelis was alive. Even his eyes shined. They weren't an empty, faraway shell anymore; they were big and round, and vibrant. _Don't let this end. Please stay happy. _

_I don't want to go back to the way things were. It will ruin me. I won't be able to recover. I'll never be able to. I want to stay happy forever._ Sebastian pushed his thoughts aside and got dressed, putting on a plain, over-sized brown sweater and some loose jeans. All of his clothes fit loosely, hanging off of him as if he were a skeleton. Hopefully, that would change. Hopefully, physical health went hand in hand with mental health.

"I'm going now, Ciel. I'll see you later." Sebastian wrapped a scarf around his neck and slid on his sneakers. "You can come by the shop around five, if you want. Maybe you could help me out with something." Sebastian smiled and waved at Ciel, who was trying to figure out how to turn on the vacuum cleaner. Ciel nodded at him and winked. "I promise this flat is going to be the most fucking beautiful flat on the planet." He smiled, slyly. "Not that it already isn't. Bye, Sebastian."

Sebastian left, a smile still on his lips as he strolled down the street. He walked, turning the corner to the shop. For the first time in a long time, it wasn't bitterly cold; in fact, it was almost warm. _Maybe it's a sign. The warmer my heart, the warmer the weather._ He turned the key, opened the door, and flipped the sign over. He didn't even think of closing the door more than once. Sebastian breathed in the musty aroma of books and paper. Even though it had hardly been a day since he had been there, he felt as if it had been weeks. That night with Ciel seemed to have had lasted forever. He wished it would have. Things would certainly be easier that way.

Sebastian flipped the lights on and watched as they flickered. The electricity bills were piling up; soon the electricity would be shut off permanently. Eventually, the shop would be closed, and Sebastian would have to find somewhere else to work. Unless the proprietor somehow got better, somehow recovered from his illness. It was unlikely though, and so, Sebastian knew it was only a matter of time.

_Wait. I have Ciel. He could help. He could keep the shop open, pay the bills-No. That would be too much to ask. I can't ask that of him. _Sebastian pushed the thought away and walked over to the counter, unwrapping his scarf and folding it neatly. He took the cloth from underneath the counter and wiped the top off, even though no dust had had a chance to collect.

The entrance swung open. Sebastian didn't notice, as he was studying the counter top closely and scanning the bookshelves as well, making sure they weren't dusty or dirty.

Silent footsteps padded across the room.

Sebastian looked up, noticing a shadow. He turned, and jumped, startled.

"Hello, Sebby. It's been a while, hasn't it?" Alois laughed, blond head bobbing up and down. His grin looked more like a snarl. His eyes were filled with the look Ciel had described. Wild, malicious, pure evil.


	20. Darkness

Ciel sat at the kitchen counter, absentmindedly dragging a wet rag across it, slowly, back and forth. He sighed. The flat was already spotless; there really wasn't anything he could do. _I want to make Sebastian happy._ He laughed aloud. _You're an idiot, Ciel! You've already made him happy just by being with him. He doesn't want anymore than that._ And yet, he couldn't help but feel guilty. But guilty for what? He had no secrets anymore, Sebastian knew the truth about him. There was nothing to feel guilty about.

But the feeling wouldn't go away. Ciel placed the rag on the side of the sink and went to the coffee table to open his laptop. He checked the time. It was only noon. Sebastian said he could come round the shop at five. That was hours away.

He flipped through his pictures and music folders, looking through the menagerie of stuff he had collected since he bought the laptop. He came to the documents folder and found the report on Sebastian. Ciel had nearly forgotten about that. School hadn't even entered his mind. He opened it.

_Ciel: What's your name?_

_ Sebastian: Sebastian Michaelis._

_ Ciel: Ciel Phantomhive._

That had only been a few weeks ago, and yet it seemed like a lifetime away. Back when Sebastian was nothing to him. Back when Ciel was a messed up partier in love with his best friend. Back when Sebastian wasn't even on his map. That chance meeting had changed both of them, hopefully for the better.

Ciel could still remember putting his hand out in that dark, drab book shop, watching Sebastian's nervous eyes dart around him, trying desperately not to blush. Grasping that hand, smiling, and knowing right away that he was going to be that poor man's friend, no matter what kind of world he came from.

"Look at us now," Ciel said to himself. He smiled. He read through the full report, all nineteen pages of it. He had stopped writing it two days prior, not really giving it a proper ending. There was a blurb at the bottom of the document.

_I don't want to write this anymore. Sebastian is not my project. He's the best thing that ever happened to me._

Ciel didn't even remember typing it. He had been thinking about Alois and kissing Sebastian and everything that had happened. He had been drunk on his own past. _He's the best thing that ever happened to me._ Ciel repeated it over and over again in his mind. _Sebastian is the best thing that ever happened to me._ It was true.

Where would he be without Sebastian? _Are you really even asking that?_ Of course he knew; he would be with Alois, doing whatever he told him to do. He would be drinking, smoking, sleeping with whatever girl happened to be in the vicinity, then he would sleep with Alois and tell himself that he wasn't in love. He would tell himself that Alois was nothing more than a friend. Then he would feel guilty for telling himself that, because he knew there had to be something wrong. There had to be something wrong with him if he loved Alois, a twisted, sick, bastard. Then he would feel guilty for thinking of Alois that way. It was a cycle, a vicious cycle that never seemed to end.

Until Sebastian. Until Sebastian decided to walk into his life and simultaneously destroy him and perfect him. And now there was this new guilt, a new cycle that Ciel couldn't get rid of. _I'm not good enough for him. I don't deserve Sebastian._ He knew it was a stupid feeling, he knew Sebastian would probably get mad again. Just like that day in the car when Sebastian had yelled at him for the first time, telling him to stop treating himself so badly. _But don't you see, Sebastian? I can't do that. I can't stop beating myself up, because this is who I am. I have problems just like you. I have my own disease. I have to fight my own battle. I know I shouldn't fight it alone, but I don't want to bring you into it. I love you too much._

Ciel deleted the report. He wasn't going to turn it in. There was no need anymore. Sebastian was his friend, his lover, and his world. Sebastian was not going to be represented by a few pages of paper and ten thousand words. He was worth much more than that. Ciel typed a new document.

_Dear Professor Spears,_

_ I'm sorry, I know I've let you down. I know you expected the best from me. And so this is it, this is my best. I did write a report, I wrote a brilliant one, but I deleted it. _

_ Do you remember that man who was with me in front of Wo Ai Ni? The report was about him. He has OCD, depression, and social anxiety. I've helped him. And he's helped me. I love him. He loves me. I'm his world. He's my world. So do you see? Do you see why I can't turn in a report about him?_

_ Because he's not a project, that's why. Sebastian Michaelis started out as nothing more than a project. A day later he became my friend. A week and a half later, he became my boyfriend. I love him more than anything. That's why I couldn't bring myself to keep the report. It felt...wrong, somehow. I felt guilty for keeping it. _

_ Again, I'm sorry. I don't even know if that was really the right decision. But like I said, it just seemed kind of wrong of me to keep it. I'm sorry if I'm not making sense. Sorry if I'm rambling. I'll come to class tomorrow, I know I've been skipping out lately. _

_ Alright, I guess that's all I have to say. Thank you for listening, Prof. Spears._

_ Sincerely, Ciel Phantomhive._

Ciel read over his letter twice. It would have to do. He attached it to an email and hit send. He wasn't expecting a reply. Spears would most likely be angry with him. It didn't matter though; Ciel had made the right decision. Even if it didn't make sense. He slouched against the sofa and stuck his earphones in. _Everything will be alright_ by The Killers started playing. He closed his eyes and listened to the synthesizers and ethereal vocals, slowly falling asleep, already dreaming of Sebastian.

Ciel's phone went off, buzzing loudly and irritatingly in his pocket. He ripped his earphones out and fished for the phone. Sebastian's name flashed across the screen. He smiled, annoyance vanishing. "Hey, how are you-"

"Ciel! Al-Alois is-is here, he's..." Sebastian frantic voice was cut off by static.

"Sebastian, Sebastian!" Ciel dropped the phone. "Shit," he breathed. His hands were shaking, he hadn't even noticed. _Think, Ciel. Think. _Alois was at the book shop. Alois was with Sebastian. Alois. Alois. Alois. Alois was everywhere, not only was he in Ciel's mind and past, but now here he was, right around the corner. He wasn't a distant threat anymore. It wasn't just threatening text messages and blocked phone calls, now, it was real. Ciel picked up the phone again, still shaking. "Sebastian, pick up! Pick up!" He knew it was useless. Alois had him.

_I know how this works. I know what Alois does. I know how he does it. _He had watched it, let it happen, first with the man known as Undertaker. There had been more after that. When it was happening Ciel would tell himself: _at least it's not me. At least he's not killing me._ Alois had never made him murder anybody again, not after the little Elizabeth girl. He had been merciful, at least somewhat. Still, there wasn't really a difference. Because Ciel had watched him kill others, standing by on the sidelines, turning a blind eye like a coward.

_I have to save Sebastian. I won't let that monster hurt him._ Ciel jumped across the room and ran outside without bothering to put on shoes or a coat. He ran as fast as he could, blocking out all of the gruesome thoughts and scenarios nudging themselves into his brain. _Everything will be alright. Everything will be alright. _Ciel sang the lyrics in his head, trying desperately to force the words to sink in.

He burst through the door of the shop and looked immediately to the little counter in the corner. Once upon a time, Sebastian would have been sitting there, wiping off the already clean counter top. Or maybe he would have been traversing the aisles, searching for dust, or scanning a book. Now, Sebastian was nowhere to be seen. "Sebastian!" Ciel called. "Sebastian!" He kicked a shelf in frustration. "Please," he whispered, "please let him be alright."

"Alois, where are you? What the hell have you done?!" Ciel circled the shop again, praying that there was a secret door or something. Praying that Alois and Sebastian were still here, that he hadn't already missed them.

He whisked around, feeling cold breath on the back of his neck. He could already imagine the malicious laughter and blond locks of hair. He stood facing a pair of twinkling blue eyes. "It feels like it's been forever, right? I missed you, Ciel. Are you sure you don't want to come home?" Alois smiled, thoughtfully. "It's so empty without you. I haven't even thrown any parties, because I've just been so sad lately. Do you really want to make me sad, Ciel?" His eyes shined with insanity.

"Where is Sebastian?" Ciel whispered, trying to choke back tears.

"Crying already?" Alois laughed. "You know, don't you? You already know."

_I do._ Ciel knew Alois's techniques. His favorite one. "I hate you!" Ciel screamed, "You fucking son of a bitch! You monster!" He raised his fist, not even realizing he had been clenching it.

"You don't want to punch me," Alois said calmly.

"Don't you fucking dare," Ciel said, "don't you dare tell me what I want and what I don't want." Ciel's heart filled with rage, pure rage and hatred for everything Alois had ever said. Everything he had ever done. Every life he had taken, every insult he had thrown, all of the innocence he had stolen. Alois Trancy did not deserve to be alive.

"You would have done it by now," Alois whispered. "If you wanted to punch me, you would have the second you saw me. You could have killed me by now, Ciel. But you didn't, because you're a coward." Alois laughed. "You're weak," he hissed. "You're a weakling."

Ciel punched him in the nose, feeling and hearing the crunch of bones snapping. "I am not weak," he said, voice wobbling. He punched Alois again, sending both of them sprawling. He pinned Alois against the wall, grabbing the collar of his shirt. "Why aren't you fighting back?" Ciel demanded.

Alois was laughing viciously, blood flowing from his crooked nose.

"Why?!" Ciel demanded again, knocking him against the wall again.

"I'm shocked," Alois whispered, breathless. "Good job, Ciel."

_This isn't what I wanted. I want him to scream. I want him to hate me. Just like I hate him. So why the fuck is he laughing? Why is he telling me 'good job?'_ Ciel realized it just as Alois brought the knife into his stomach, driving it up as far as it would go, twisting it, laughing harder than ever before.

_You should have known, Ciel. You should have known that you couldn't win against Alois Trancy. He always wins. _Ciel dropped to the floor, head banging against a book shelf as he went down. He was in far too much shock to realize what was happening.

Alois's teeth flashed a brilliant white smile. "Good job," he said again, the sarcasm enough to open another wound. He frowned as a splatter of blood hit his lips; he licked them off and brought a hand up to staunch the flow. "Be glad I didn't kill you, Ciel. I do care about you, you know." Alois laughed again. "Even if you are a fucking idiot."

Ciel's vision blurred in and out of focus, big black spots dancing across his eyes. "Is Sebastian alive?" He managed, every word feeling like yet another knife. He grit his teeth, the shock wasn't enough to numb the pain.

"How stupid are you?" Alois spit. "Why would I keep him alive, Ciel?! He stole you from me! You were mine and he took you! Why the bloody hell would I let him live?" There was a momentary break in Alois's calm composure. That was the first time Ciel had ever seen real, genuine caring from him.

_He does care about me. _A few weeks ago, it would have been enough. Ciel would have crawled back to him, he would have never left him. But now, he felt nothing but hatred. Pure hatred for the man that had taken so much from him. "So he is alive?" Ciel grunted. _If Alois cares about me enough to let me live, than that means he'll let Sebastian live too...I hope..._

Alois shook his head. For the first time, he didn't laugh. "Do you really love him, Ciel?"

"Yes," Ciel said, knowing he was very close to the comfort of unconsciousness.

Alois closed his eyes. "He's alive." He turned away, walking out of the shop, not once turning back to look.

Ciel's world went dark.

* * *

_A/N: That was a realllly hard chapter to write. I rewrote it like six times. I'm still not sure I like the first half of it, but whatever. I hope you liked it, I'll update on Monday. I don't want to go almost a week without updating again, especially since it's summer and I really have no excuse not to update. _

_p.s. 101 followers, yay! I love you all :)  
_


	21. Death

_A/N: This is a very intense chapter. Like really, this is extremely intense. I cried more than once when I was writing it. Also, this whole chapter is a flashback. It's about Sebastian's past. Finally, we learn what made Sebastian the way he is. It's not pretty.__  
_

* * *

"Claude! Get the boy! We don't have very much time before the police get here-"

"He isn't here, Hannah!" The man hissed. He kicked a stack of papers, sending them flying across the room. The furniture in the little room was strewn about, haphazardly, just barely intact. "Where have you gone, Sebastian?!"

"Shut up, do you want the whole neighbourhood to hear?" The woman named Hannah strode across to Claude, putting a hand over his mouth. "Sebastian will come to us on his own."

"But you just said we were out of time-"

Hannah placed a hand on Claude's shoulder and turned him around. "See, he's right there."

Sebastian, extremely emaciated and pale, appeared from behind an overturned sofa. "I'm-I'm sorry," he said, softly. "I should have come when you called me."

"Damn right you should have," Hannah said, tersely. "We're going on a trip, Sebastian. We won't be coming back."

Sebastian nodded. "Should I pack?" He blushed, slightly, with embarrassment. _I have nothing to pack. I own nothing._

Claude laughed. "We don't have time, Sebastian. The police will be here-"

"Idiot!" Hannah yelled. "Why the hell would you tell him-"

"He already knows, Hannah. He may be a little brat, but he's smart." Claude looked at Sebastian, sizing him up, eyes flickering hungrily. "You're smart, right, Sebastian?"

"Yes sir-" Sebastian's skin crawled.

"How many times do I have to tell you to call me Daddy?" Claude laughed again. "So tell me, Sebastian, do you know who we are?"

Hannah frowned. "Let's just go, Claude. You can talk to him as much as you want in the car."

Claude spun around to face her. His eyes went from hungry to dark. "Talk?...Well, if that's how you want to put it." His lips curled.

Sebastian took a few steps backward. "I-I don't want to go with you." He shut his eyes in frustration. _You don't have a choice, Sebastian._ He wanted to scream. He wanted to run. But there was no one to hear him. No one to run to. He was alone.

"What did you say?" Hannah took a step towards him, opening her hand, ready to grab him. "How old are you, Sebastian?"

"Twelve-"

"Right. Who are your legal guardians?"

"You and him-"

"Right again. So answer me this, Sebastian: Do you have to go wih us?"

Sebastian closed his eyes again, trying to blink away his tears. His heart was screaming and his mind swimming. He felt as if he couldn't breathe. "Please," he said suddenly, letting the tears fall freely. "Please don't make me!" _I need to run away. I'll find someone, I know I will. I won't be alone._

"Shut up," Claude said, harshly, slapping Sebastian across the face, leaving a bright red lash. Hannah grabbed him, wrapping him in a deathly embrace. "Let's go, _son_," she said mockingly.

"No," Sebastian whispered, too quiet for anyone to hear. "Don't let me drown," he said to no one in particular.

Hannah shoved him into the back seat of their damaged, ugly car. Claude slid into the driver's seat, Hannah taking her place next to him. They were sure to lock the doors, preventing Sebastian from escaping.

_What if I broke the windows? I could shatter them..._Sebastian shook his head. Anything that could possibly be used as a weapon was in the front of the car, tucked safely away with Hannah and Claude. And besides, Sebastian didn't stand a chance. He was far too weak to do anything. He was a scrawny, malnourished, helpless, child. There was nothing he could do.

Claude wove in and out of traffic, going far above the speed limit. After several minutes of silence, he turned to Hannah. They started talking, and of course, as usual, their conversation turned into an argument. Typical Hannah/Claude behavior. Sebastian tuned them out, closing his eyes against the seat, trying hard to relax, trying hard to stop his heart from thumping out of his chest. _Maybe it would be nice if it just stopped completely. Maybe this nightmare would be over._

After what seemed like a few hours, when they were far from their cheap flat and questionable neighbourhood, Claude pulled to the side of the road. Sebastian opened his eyes. They were somewhere on the outskirts of London, in the suburbs. Claude opened the door and left the car.

Sebastian watched him cautiously. Hannah slid into the driver's seat. She turned once, glancing at Sebastian, menacingly.

_What are they planning?_ Sebastian looked out the window. Claude was taking a drag of a cigarette. Sebastian crossed his fingers. _Go back to the front seat. Don't come back here, don't you dare._ But of course, he knew better. He knew what would happen. Claude would toss the cigarette to the side of the road. He would open the door to Sebastian's side of the car. He would slither in like the snake he was and press his cold, lifeless, lips to Sebastian's. He would touch Sebastian in places Sebastian didn't want to be touched...

And Sebastian would take it. He wouldn't scream. He wouldn't cry. He would just endure it. No matter how painful it was, no matter how sick and wrong it was, there was nothing he could do. Who would listen to the shy foster boy with no friends?

Hannah glanced in the rear view mirror, smiling knowingly. "Are you alright, Sebby?" She said in a babyish tone. "Ha! Of course you aren't." She turned back to the road, and started the engine.

Claude tossed the cigarette. Sebastian clenched his fists, letting his knuckles turn white. _Please don't do this again. Please, I'm begging you._ He wanted to throw up. Claude opened the door. "Hello," he breathed, the stench of cigarette smoke evident.

_I hate you._ Sebastian turned away, ignoring the man.

"Look at me!" Claude grabbed Sebastian's face, forcing their eyes to meet. Hannah began to drive, immediately stepping on the gas pedal. "We can make it to the border in two hours if we hurry, then we can get on the ferry to Ireland-"

"Shut up, Hannah," Claude whispered. He was looking at Sebastian with pure lust. Sebastian felt the urge to hit him.

_You deserve to die._ Claude suddenly bent downwards, pinning Sebastian to the seat. He balanced himself over the boy, casting a dark shadow over Sebastian's face. Sebastian braced himself. _Here we go again._ Claude kissed him, sloppily, all the while laughing.

Hannah glanced in the mirror every so often, smiling.

_Die. You son of a bitch, please die._ Claude fumbled with Sebastian's jeans, unsteadily unzipping them. Sebastian laid back, trying desperately to think of something else, trying to pretend that this wasn't happening. Unfortunately, that was becoming harder and harder to do.

"Don't make a sound, boy," Claude whispered, unzipping his own jeans and letting his underwear fall across the seat.

Hannah was laughing madly now, not even paying attention to the road. She let the wheel go and turned around to see the scene playing out behind her.

Claude was moving his hands up and down Sebastian's sides, caressing him, roughly. Sebastian felt nothing but coldness and hatred. Claude kissed him again, and turned him over. Sebastian shivered. _Don't do this to me. _Claude had never done this, had never gone this far before. Sebastian wanted to jump up and run. That was impossible.

And then it happened. One moment Hannah was laughing, the next, she wasn't. She had gone silent. Claude was crumpled up on the ground, blood dripping from his mouth.

Sebastian jumped up, quickly putting on his clothing, too shocked to really comprehend what had happened. The doors were crumpled, the car, a mass of debris. Sebastian was completely uninjured, completely alright. Unaffected by the crash. He stared at Claude's lifeless body. It would have been comical if not for the fact that it was real, Claude's naked lower half and bloody upper half. Blood dripped from his lips and from a gash in his side. Something had hit him, knocking him off Sebastian and into the floor. His eyes were still open, though they lifeless, Sebastian could still picture the hungry, lusty look. He closed them, gingerly, and shivered, turning his gaze to Hannah.

She was in far worse shape. The front of the car had gotten the most damage. Her body was a tangled mess. Arms mangled, legs mutilated. Sebastian swallowed the vomit that was welling up inside him. He pushed his way out of the car and onto the gruesome scene.

They had crashed on a country road, maybe ten minutes away from civilization. Surely someone had seen, surely someone would come for Sebastian. Surely someone would be his saviour.

He surveyed the wreck; it was evident they had collided with someone. There was another car, perhaps in even worse condition. Sebastian ran to it quickly. It was unrecognizable; Sebastian feared what the bodies inside might look like. He took a deep breath and tried to dig into the wreck. He gently moved the loose debris, making his way into the front seats. He chocked back a scream. There were two people, one, unrecognizingly human, the other, extremely pale and bloody.

Sebastian looked away from the ugly, contorted being and focused on the person whom he was sure was still alive. He placed a hand on their forehead, still warm, though he could feel the life hurriedly leaving them. "You're going to be alright," he said quietly, trying to blink tears away."You're going to be alright."

The person's eyes fluttered open, looking at Sebastian with fear. "What happened?" A woman's voice. Sebastian shook his head.

"My-my husband...is he okay?"

A tear fell from Sebastian's face and hit the woman's cheek. She closed her eyes. "My son, he's going to be an orphan-"

Sebastian picked her up, as gently as possible, making sure her battered condition wouldn't be worsened. She whimpered when her leg brushed a jagged piece of glass. A cut opened, crimson splattering what was once a windshield. "You're going to live," he said forcefully. "Your son will not be an orphan.

"You're going to be alright," Sebastian said again, this time more frantically. The woman's eyes fluttered open and closed every few seconds, life so quickly fading. Sebastian brought her safely to the side of the road, kneeling down with her in his lap. "Don't die," he whispered. "Don't die."

The woman stared up at him, face pale. "Thank you," she said.

"For what?" Sebastian's tear stained eyes widened.

"You saved me." The woman smiled.

Sebastian's tears dripped onto her shirt.

"Why are you crying?" She asked. She tried to bring a hand up to Sebastian's face. She grimaced.

Sebastian took her hand and squeezed it, tightly. "This shouldn't have happened," he whispered, voice shaking. "You don't deserve this."

"What is your name?"

"Sebastian Michaelis."

"Rachel Phantomhive." Rachel smiled. "Well, Sebastian, misery does love company." She looked into his eyes. "Please don't cry." Rachel's smile faltered. "Please don't cry, Sebastian." Tears began to well up in her own eyes. Sebastian could feel her growing colder by the second. "Just stay with me, Sebastian. Stay with me." Rachel's grip began to slacken, her fingers slipping.

_No. Please, Rachel. Please __**stay with me**_. Rachel's eyes closed, her hand went limp. She was dead. "No!" Sebastian screamed. "No!" He shook her, sobs wracking his body. "Wake up, wake up, Rachel! You don't deserve this, you don't deserve to die!" He shook her again, screaming for her to wake up, screaming for her not to leave him.

Blood stained his face and hands, a scarlet river ran down his cheeks. "I don't want to be alone," Sebastian yelled. "I don't want to be alone." He stood up, trying to wipe tears and blood out of his eyes. His vision went blurry with red. "I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be alone." Sebastian repeated it over and over again until his voice went hoarse.

He scratched and itched at the blood, becoming suddenly furious. Suddenly hating it, suddenly hating the reminder that he hadn't saved her. He hadn't saved this perfect stranger, this perfect woman who didn't deserve to die the way she had. She was young, she had a whole life ahead of her. And now, what had she left behind? A family? A child? And now that child would be an orphan, just like him. _I hope whoever you are, that you don't end up like me._

…

"Sebastian Michaelis?"

Sebastian looked up, groggily. He was in a spotless hospital room, laying under pristine white sheets. He looked around confusedly. There was a nurse, staring at him with concern, and what was that? Sympathy? Sympathy for what?

"Your guardians, Claude Faustus and Hannah Anafeloz were killed in the crash."

"Who?"

Sebastian Michaelis forgot.


	22. Life

_A/N: I love flashbacks._

* * *

"Goodnight, Ciel. Daddy and I will be back tomorrow, okay?" Rachel stooped down to kiss her son's forehead. She stroked his cheek for a moment, tucked him in bed, and then walked over to the door. She lingered in the frame for a while, watching as Ciel almost immediately drifted off to sleep. She silently closed the door and left.

"Wait, Mummy, wait!" Ciel jerked his eyes open and jumped up from the bed. He ran down the corridor, looking for his mother. "Mummy, where did you go?"

Rachel Phantomhive whisked around, surprised. "Ciel, you should be asleep. What is it? What do you need?"

Ciel hugged his mother tightly, wrapping his little arms around her hips. "I don't want to stay with Aunt Angelina."

Rachel sighed. "Anne is perfectly alright. You'll get along, I'm sure. And besides, Daddy and I will be back. We aren't going to leave you, Ciel. We would never do that." She smiled and ruffled his hair. "Now go back to sleep, you're going to do lots of fun stuff tomorrow."

"I love you," Ciel said, rubbing his eyes, feeling very sleepy.

"I love you, too." Rachel turned him around and sent him off back down the corridor, to Angelina's guest bedroom.

"Is he alright?" Angelina appeared in the doorway of her room.

Rachel nodded. "He'll be fine, he always gets a bit on edge when we leave."

"Well, at least it's only a day. I know how much Vincent hates traveling." Angelina reached out to hug Rachel. "Have fun, and be careful." She stepped back into her bedroom.

"You'll call me if there are any problems, right?" Rachel raised her eyebrows. "We can come home right away-"

"Rachel! Have fun! Don't worry about Ciel, he's going to be fine." Angelina smiled. "Now go!"

"Fine, fine. I'm leaving." Rachel walked to the front door. Vincent got up from the couch, nodded at Angelina, and waved. "Take care of Ciel for us, Anne."

"Of course, now both of you, get out of here." Angelina shooed the couple away, smiling and laughing. She waved as they disappeared down the corridor.

…

Ciel's eyes fluttered open; he blinked once, twice, three times, only seeing a hazy fuzz. Dark splotches blurred his vision. _Where am I? _He blinked until the spots disappeared. He could now feel a dull ache in his head, and something else, coming from his stomach. What was it? He couldn't decide whether it was painful or just a slight itchy feeling. He tried to sit up, quickly realizing it was a mistake. He clutched his stomach, now feeling the pain. _What happened?_

There was a pool of blood, Ciel realized. He was sitting in his own blood. It was a dark red color, already drying. He was no longer bleeding, but he could tell that he had lost a lot of blood. He was dizzy, nausea was quickly overwhelming him. _Don't puke, Ciel, that will only make things worse._ He very slowly tried to pull the knife out, yes, he had to get that out. It was another mistake. Ciel was only able to drive the knife out a centimeter or so before he cried out, vision blurring again. The splotches came back, disorienting him.

_Sebastian._ Ciel came back to his senses. _Alois. Alois almost killed me. Where is Sebastian?_ He wanted to jump up, run as fast as he could, and find Sebastian. Hold him in his arms, kiss him and never let him go, but he knew he couldn't. It was impossible. Ciel couldn't even stand up, let alone run.

_Surely someone has called the police. Surely someone found out._ But Ciel didn't count on it. He was in the worst part of the East End, where crimes like Alois's were a common occurrence. It could take years before someone found out, let alone did anything about it. _I don't have years. I have hours. _Ciel knew he was on the verge of death; he could feel his own life slipping away, agonizingly, not just physically, but emotionally. He could picture Sebastian's face when he would hear of Ciel's death. He could picture all of the progress that Sebastian had made, vanish within seconds. He could see Sebastian slipping back into his old self, that miserable, scared, child. Ciel's heart wanted to leap out of his chest. He couldn't let that happen to Sebastian. He wouldn't be able to bear it. _You won't have to bear it if you're dead._

He wanted to scream, but he couldn't. Every little sound he made, every breath he took, was painful. If he screamed, surely his wound would be cut open all over again. He couldn't risk losing more blood. The faster Ciel's blood disappeared, the faster his life would end. _I can't die. I can't leave Sebastian alone. I can't..._

Unconsciousness came slithering back almost like a friend.

…

"Good morning, Ciel. Did you sleep well?" Angelina sipped on a cup of tea, sitting at the kitchen table, flipping through a magazine.

Ciel drowsily sat next to her, pulling up a chair. "I want Mummy and Daddy."

"They'll be back this evening, Ciel-"

"I want them now!" Ciel yelled. He looked down at the table, pretending to study the place mat pattern. "Sorry, Aunt Angelina, I know I'm not supposed to yell."

Angelina smiled, ruffling her fingers through Ciel's hair. "It's alright, I understand how you feel. It's okay to be sad, Ciel. Do you want to cry? Crying can help."

Ciel shook his head. "Alois says crying is for weaklings."

Angelina frowned. She opened her mouth to say something, but instead took another sip of tea. "Well, Mummy and Daddy will be back soon," she said after a long sip. Angelina stood up, brushing off her bathrobe. "I'll make you some eggs and waffles. That will make you feel better."

Ciel smiled half-heartedly. "Thank you, Aunt Angelina." He started to play with the place mat, twirling it in his fingers, quickly forgetting his sadness.

The phone began to ring. Angelina accidentally dropped an egg into the pan, without cracking it first. She swore under her breath. "Ciel, dear, can you get the shells out of the pan?" Ciel nodded and eagerly went to the counter. "Wash your hands first!" Angelina ran over to the phone, after it had rung for the fourth time.

"Hello?" Angelina wiped the yoke off of her hands and pulled her hair back, holding the phone with her neck. "Hello?" She said again when no one spoke. She listened for a few seconds, and suddenly dropped the phone.

"Ms. Durless? Ms. Durless?"

Ciel ran to the phone, picking it up, not noticing the horrified expression on his aunt's face. "Hello," he said cheerfully. "No," Angelina cried out, ripping the phone from his small hands. She shoved the phone back onto the wall. "No," she said again.

Ciel stared at her, finally realizing that something was wrong. "Aunt Angelina?" He asked, confusedly. "Aunt Angelina? What's going on?"

Angelina sunk down against the wall, slumping to the floor. Ciel sat down next to her, taking her hand. A tear ran down her cheek. She stared at Ciel, eyes very faraway.

"Aunt Angelina! What happened?" Ciel gripped her hand tighter.

"Ciel," Angelina took a deep breath, looking away from Ciel's face, "They're dead." She began to cry, sobbing loudly. "They were killed yesterday, they're bodies weren't identified until just a few minutes ago..."

Ciel stopped listening. _Mummy and Daddy are dead._

…

Ciel opened his eyes again, feeling, surprisingly...nothing. _Not good._ He was numb. His body was numb. It was shutting down. _No,I can't die! Not like this, I need to see Sebastian. I need to know that he's alright. _He looked at the knife protruding from his stomach, wanting desperately to just yank it out. He had to do something. Even if screaming hurt him, it was better than just laying there, waiting to die. He tried to yell out, his voice hoarse from disuse. It came out as a whisper. "Help." _That's not good enough._ He tried again, the pain very nearly knocking him out again. "Help! Help!" His head began to pound. _I'm feeling something. That's good right?_ "Help!" Ciel tried to sit up again, slowly pushing his body up with his arms. He grit his teeth and closed his eyes, feeling every little movement magnified a million times. He was barely successful, upper body leaned against the book shelf in an awkward, uncomfortable position.

_What am I going to do?_ Ciel looked at his open wound, fortunately, he hadn't upset it with all of the movement. At least his body wasn't shutting down anymore,or so it seemed. Feeling was returning, he wasn't numb anymore. That had to mean things were getting better. _I hope._

Ciel focused on the knife again, staring at it for at least ten minutes. If he could manage to get it out, then maybe he could move a bit more. Maybe not every little movement would bring tremendous pain. He placed both hands on the handle. He gripped it so hard, his knuckles turned white. With one swipe, he pulled the knife out, tears falling down his face. The splotches in his eyes returned. _Please don't let it bleed more. Please._ Ciel stared down at the wound, fresh crimson was mixing with the dark red. It was gushing like a fountain. Ciel gripped the floor with his hands, letting his fingernails scratch the ground. _I can't go unconscious again. If I do, that will be it. I won't wake up again._

"Help, please help," he said softly. He was too weak to yell again. "Sebastian, Sebastian, Sebastian..." Ciel repeated the name, fighting off the sleep that was trying to embrace him. "Sebastian, I'm not going to die. I'm not going to die." More tears began to fall, hitting the floor, water and blood stirring together. Ciel tried to rip the fabric of his shirt, but his hands were too weak. He couldn't staunch the blood flow. _It's too late. I'm going to die. There's nothing I can do._ "Help," he said again, weakly. _No, you aren't going to die, Ciel. You aren't. You're going to see Sebastian again. You're going to live __**for him**__._ "What if he isn't alive anymore?" Ciel said aloud. _Don't think like that. Alois said he was alive. Even if that's all you have, you hold onto it. You hold onto that hope. _

Ciel ripped the fabric again, this time far more successfully. He used all of the strength he had, focusing his thoughts on Sebastian. He folded the fabric and placed it over the wound, hoping that it would at least absorb the blood if not stop the bleeding. He tore another part of the shirt off, using his remaining strength. "Please, someone, help," he whispered. "Please..." he said again, still fighting off the unconsciousness that was trying so desperately to take him. "Sebastian, I need you. I need you."

The door to the shop opened. Ciel barely heard it. His eyes closed again. _No, don't go unconscious. Don't go to sleep, Ciel._ He opened them, focusing on a pair of legs walking towards him. "Sebastian?"

"You're going to be alright."

* * *

_A/N: I also love cliffhangers._


	23. Wind

_I'm dead. I must be. _Sebastian opened his eyes. It was dark, pitch dark. And silent. _Am I in hell? Just my luck._ Sebastian, poor, miserable, Sebastian, in hell. He didn't deserve it, but then again, he didn't deserve any of the countless terrible things he had endured. And yet he had endured them just the same. There was no other choice. He had endured Rachel Phantomhive's death.

Rachel Phantomhive, Ciel Phantomhive. Sebastian's heart throbbed. He remembered everything now. Why, he didn't know, perhaps this new traumatic experience was enough to bring back memories of past trauma. He could remember holding her, crying, feeling her dying. It had hurt so much then, even though she was a perfect stranger, it had been enough to send Sebastian over the edge. And now, now that he knew who she was, his world was ripped apart all over again.

_She was Ciel's mother. I witnessed the death of Ciel's mother._ He wanted to scream.

"Sebby!"

Sebastian flung his face around, trying to find the source of the voice. It was still dark.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, Sebby. I forgot you were in there." Alois's beaming eyes appeared along with a streak of light. "I shouldn't have left you alone." Alois flipped on the light switch, illuminating the room. Although Sebastian had never seen it, he recognized it immediately. He was in Ciel's old room. He could smell the faint aroma of Ciel's cologne, and there were still decorations, things Ciel hadn't bothered to clear out. A poster of Ciel's favorite band, a photo of Alois and him at some party, and an alarm clock, all dotted the room. There was also an overturned wardrobe, a smashed bottle of liquor, and a crumpled pack of cigarettes.

_If Claude and Hannah hadn't been caught dealing drugs, we wouldn't have been running from the police that day. Claude wouldn't have tried to rape me in the backseat. Hannah wouldn't have lost control of the wheel. Rachel and her husband would still be alive. Ciel never would have moved in with his aunt. He never would have moved in with Alois. This room would have never been his._ _He never would have been destroyed by Alois._

Alois smiled at the photograph faintly. He turned it over in his hands, momentarily pressing it to his chest. He quickly dropped it. "You've been asleep for a long time, I was beginning to think I had killed you."

Sebastian stared at Alois and then the open doorway. His escape was literally ten feet away. Alois laughed. "Go ahead." He put his arms out, waving at the door. "I thought about tying you to the bed, but then I thought you might get the wrong idea...although," Alois paused, "I wouldn't mind." He laughed again. "Go home, go find Ciel."

_Ciel._ "Is he alright? Is he-" _Is he alive? Is he dead? Maybe that wouldn't be so bad, he'd be with his parents again. He'd be far away from Alois. He would be happy._ But Sebastian didn't want that. He couldn't imagine Ciel dead. It was too much; unacceptable.

"He's alive, well, at least he was." Alois strolled across the room to Sebastian, calmly. "Why did you take him from me?" Alois's eyes were placid, though Sebastian knew Alois was ready to snap at any second. "Answer me, Sebastian! Why did you steal _my_ Ciel?!" Alois yelled.

"He's not _your_ Ciel. I didn't steal him-"

"Yes you did! You stole him from me, you goddamn-"

Sebastian took Alois's raised fist, slowly lowering it. "I didn't steal him, Alois," he whispered, as calmly as he possibly could. "I didn't do anything." _I've been tied to him just as long as you have. Don't you understand? I've been apart of Ciel's life for a very long time. I watched his mother die._

Alois flung Sebastian's hand away, quickly raising his fist again. "You idiot, you fucking idiot, Ciel was mine. He was **mine**. Do you know what it's like to suddenly have the only person you ever cared about, taken away? Having them suddenly hate you, despise you, wanting you dead?! Ciel hates me because of you!"

_He hates you because of __**you**__. _"It's not my fault, Alois. How could you expect him to love you after the way you treated him? You were terrible towards him, you took advantage of him, you lied, cheated, you even murdered. How can you expect to be loved after all that? How can you expect Ciel to run back to you?" _You're insane._

"Because he always does," Alois said flatly. "Ciel always comes back to me, Sebastian."

"He won't this time," Sebastian said firmly. He glanced over at the door again, and then back at Alois. "He will never come back to you." And this time, Sebastian was sure of it. Ciel's past didn't matter. He had changed; he would never go back to Alois.

"Just get out," Alois said. When Sebastian hesitated, he slammed his fists against the wall. "Get out," he hissed. "Get the hell out of here!" Alois kicked the overturned wardrobe, sending it crashing against the wall. The band poster above it fluttered to the ground. Alois picked it up and tore it into little pieces. "What are you still doing here, Sebastian?! Get out!"

Sebastian quickly ran out of the room, dodging Alois. He ran down the corridor, rushing to the front door. He fumbled with the knob for a moment, palms sweating. He could still hear Alois screaming in the other room, kicking the furniture, yelling curses. He had never seen Alois in such a rage, of course, this was only the second time they had ever met, nevertheless, Ciel had never described Alois like this. Alois was insane, certainly, and showed all of the qualities of a sociopath; calm under pressure, charismatic, basically, fake. Sociopaths did not resort to fits of rage. Then again, Alois wasn't a complete sociopath. He cared about Ciel, whereas a true sociopath cared for no one. He cared about Ciel in his own twisted way. And he believed Sebastian had stolen Ciel away. _His_ Ciel. _I'm sorry, Alois. I'm sorry that you're insane._

"Damn."

Sebastian whisked around, hand still on the doorknob. Alois was standing a few feet away. His face was puffy and his eyes were rimmed with red and tears. His chest was rising and falling rapidly. "Damn," he whispered again, eyeing Sebastian like a cat contemplating killing a mouse. "You're so stupid, aren't you, Sebby?" He took a step closer. Sebastian flung the door open.

"I told you to leave, didn't I?" Alois smirked; now this was the Alois Sebastian was used to. He had recovered surprisingly fast, his eyes already returning to their playful blue. "I told you to leave, but you didn't. Do you think you'll get that opportunity again?" Alois didn't wait for an answer. "You won't," he said flatly. "I should have killed you when you were still unconscious. But I spared you, I spared you for Ciel." He laughed. "You should have seen him, Sebby. You should have seen him, all scared and pleading. 'Is Sebastian alive? Is Sebastian alive?'" Alois imitated. "I guess I thought that maybe, just maybe, he'd forgive me. He'd forgive me if I let you live. But that was stupid of me, wasn't it? You said it yourself, Ciel will never come back to me. I've lost, and if I can't win, neither can you." Alois laughed again. "Neither. Can. You."

Sebastian jumped through the doorway, immediately screaming for help. Alois was at his back in a second, silencing him with a hand over his mouth. "How should I kill you, Sebastian Michaelis?" Alois whispered into his ear. "You should suffer, definitely. But how? Should I chop off your fingers and toes? Or maybe your tongue? That'd be fun, for sure." He laughed maliciously, pulling Sebastian back into the flat, wrapping his arms around his waist. Sebastian screamed again, just as the door clicked shut. _I can't die. I have to tell Ciel that I knew his mother. He has to know. _

"Alois, please," Sebastian breathed. "Please-"

"Don't kill me?" Alois finished. "Please don't kill me, Alois?" He shook his head. "Can't you come up with anything better than that?"

"What happened to you? What made you such a pathetic human being?" Sebastian spat. "Why can't you just accept-" _Why can't you accept that Ciel doesn't love you? Why can't you accept that he loves me?_

"What, Sebby? Do you think I have some pitiful story to tell? Sorry to disappoint you, but I don't. I'm simple. I'm Alois Trancy-"

"You're an arrogant bastard." Sebastian's heart started to race. "Let me go, Alois." He tried to shake off Alois's arms. "Let me go," he said again, more forcefully, gaining confidence. Sebastian kicked him, as hard as he could. He already knew it was useless.

Alois laughed. "Fuck, you're weak." He kicked him back, making Sebastian's eyes water.

"Your nose is bleeding," Sebastian said matter-of-factly.

Alois touched his nose, one hand still on Sebastian. He drew blood. "Goddamn Ciel," he said under his breath. Sebastian noticed how crooked his nose was, Ciel must have broken it. It was a weak spot, Alois's Achilles heel. If he could punch that spot, somehow, he could make his escape. He closed his eyes in pain as Alois kicked him again.

"Are you just going to take it?" Alois yelled. "Are you just going to stand there? Do something, Sebby. Entertain me!" He punched him this time, sending Sebastian sprawling to the floor. He stepped on top of him, one foot balanced over Sebastian's throat. "Entertain me, I said!"

Sebastian struggled for breath, coughing, and spitting up phlegm. "Please," he managed. "Please." _Ciel. Ciel. Ciel. I have to live for him. I have to tell him._

"Why don't you do something?!" Alois brought his foot down farther. "Do something!" He kicked Sebastian's throat.

Pain shot through Sebastian's body like fire. He coughed blood. _I have to do something. But what can I do? I'm weak. _He remembered the day Ciel had moved in, when Sebastian had tried to pick up his suitcase. He had been too weak to even pick it up. Of course, one thing had changed. Ciel had been there to pick up the suitcase. Ciel wasn't there anymore. Sebastian was alone. _I can't let Alois kill me. I have to stay alive for Ciel. _

"What the fuck is wrong with you?!" Alois's foot stepped down onto the floor. He was now on top of Sebastian, pinning him to the ground. Their faces were inches apart. Angry tears flooded Alois's face, dripping down onto Sebastian's face. Alois punched him; Sebastian clenched his teeth, trying to ignore the searing pain in his jaw. "Fight me, you bloody coward! Fight back!" Alois punched him again, making Sebastian's vision go fuzzy.

_I'm going to live, Ciel._ Sebastian squirmed under Alois's tight grip, flexing his arms, ready to make a fist. _I'm going to live._ Just as Sebastian made a fist, Alois collapsed, his grip immediately slackened. He was sobbing, erratically, mumbling something unintelligible. "What are you waiting for, Sebby?" Alois gasped in a child's voice. "Just kill me. You want to, I know you do."

Sebastian's eyes widened in surprise. He dropped his fist. Alois had gone from calm to maniacal, to a child in the span of ten minutes. "Kill me!" Alois screamed. "What are you waiting for, Sebby?! I deserve it, don't I?"

Sebastian stood up, letting Alois drop to the floor, a mess of tears and blond hair. "How?" Sebastian whispered. _I should kill him. He does deserve it. He tried to kill me. He's killed before. He doesn't deserve to live._

Alois stood up. "You would have done it by now if you were serious." He limped over to the window, as if he were in some kind of physical pain. Sebastian watched, first in horror, then realizing what Alois was doing, he felt relieved. Alois opened the window, letting the bitter cold wind blow through the flat. Sebastian didn't even think about stopping him.

"I guess we couldn't both lose. Congratulations, Sebby, you won." Alois gave one last trademark smirk before he fell into the wind.

* * *

_A/N: Yay, Alois is dead!_


	24. Reunion

_A/N: I hope you love this chapter! I love all of you, your reviews are absolutely beautiful :)_

* * *

Frail, skinny arms carried Ciel through the open doorway of the shop and into the frigid winter air. "Who are you?" Ciel whispered faintly. He tried to focus on the figure.

"I own this shop."

Ciel's eyes began to shut again; he could feel the unconsciousness fighting its way back to him. _Not now. Not again. Stay awake. Stay alive._ "Oh," he managed.

"Don't strain yourself. You're going to be okay." The figure spoke with a man's voice. He had a slight foreign sounding accent, East Asian, maybe. Ciel tried to focus again, quickly feeling incredibly drowsy. "Am I really going to be okay?" Ciel's voice came out as no more than a tiny whisper. Every word was painful.

The man looked into his eyes, if Ciel could have seen clearly, he would have seen the deep concern etched in the man's face. A look that said: _I don't know._ It was good that he couldn't see properly. "I'm going to get you to the hospital."

Ciel nodded, just barely.

"It's alright if you close your eyes, get some rest. Save your strength."

Ciel nodded again, and let his eyes fall gently closed. But he wouldn't let himself go unconscious, that wasn't an option, because he knew that if he went to sleep, he would never wake up. _No, not an option. Definitely not an option._ He couldn't even feel the coldness from the air on his skin, he was numb everywhere. He didn't even feel the tears running down his cheeks.

"You're crying."

"Am I?"

The man touched Ciel's cheek, warmly, tears falling down his own face. "Look, there's a cab. I told you that you'd be okay." He smiled, though falsely. He yelled to the cab, screaming for it to stop, frantically waving one hand, while supporting Ciel with the other. "Stop, stop!" The black taxicab rushed away, eyes of the driver obviously alarmed.

"It must be the blood," Ciel mumbled grimly.

The man looked down at his clothes, sure enough, his shirt was stained with the reddish brown of Ciel's blood. "It's also you; you look like a drug addict." The man joked, though he knew it was useless. Ciel's lips didn't curl in the slightest. His eyes were shut in frustration. _What is the driver of that cab going to think when he sees my face on the news tonight? Young millionaire and university student, Ciel Phantomhive, dead in the East End. Dead because you wouldn't stop driving. Because you were afraid of a little blood on your precious seats._

"We'll walk a bit farther, somewhere busier. Someone will help us."

Ciel could hear the worry in the man's voice. _This man's probably in as bad a shape as I am. Sebastian told me he was sick. That he was dying. He's probably risking his life to save mine. _He didn't know whether to feel thankful or angry. _If you die to save me, I'll have to live with the fact that I killed you, forever. Do you really want to do that? I can't even look at you properly! _

They moved down the street, Ciel listening for every sound. By this point, he couldn't see anything. He was blind. It should have scared him, the potential thought that he might be blind forever. But it didn't. _Sebastian can be my eyes. _He pushed away the thought that Sebastian might be in even worse shape. That Sebastian might be dead. _We've already gone through this, Ciel. Alois said he was alive. Even if Alois is a lying, cheating, bastard, you've got to trust that he let Sebastian live. _

"Look! There's another one!" Ciel could hear as the man's feet dragged across the pavement, painfully slow. _He's using all of his strength for me. _He felt the overwhelming urge to jump out of the man's arms, take his hand, and walk him across the street. _I should be taking care of you. _"Who takes care of you?" Ciel said suddenly, accidentally coughing up some fresh blood. The man stared down at him. "We can discuss that later, after the doctors save your life." He smiled, again with a clear worried expression. Ciel was lucky that he couldn't see it. The called out to the taxicab, eyes glistening with hope, it was clear he had absolutely no thought of ever discussing anything with Ciel.

Ciel heard the screech of the tires as the car came to a stop. _Now please, hurry. Please._

"Bloody hell! What happened to him?!"

"He was stabbed. He's been bleeding out for almost half an hour. You must hurry, he doesn't have much time."

"Of course, of course! Lay him down in the back seat, you sit in front. By the way, mate, you don't look so good yourself."

The man with the accent laughed darkly. "Nothing can be done about that, sir."

Ciel heard no more talking, only the sound of tires running over the road, horns beeping, pedestrians bickering and laughing, and wind howling. Even in the car, he could hear the eerie howl of the wind. It was like a hauntingly beautiful song, sung by ghosts. _Are you there Mummy? Daddy? I'm sorry I don't remember you very well. If I die today, we'll be together again, that would be nice, wouldn't it? _He closed his eyes again, listening to the almost calming effect of the wind. If he thought hard enough, he could almost feel it rustling over his body; he could almost feel the shiver running down his spine.

Maybe it was five minutes, or maybe it was ten, but the car stopped. The sounds of sirens blaring was enough to indicate that they had reached a hospital.

"Need some help? You don't look strong enough to carry him, no offence, mate."

"Thank you, yes please, if you could carry him for me, to the emergency room. I have to go somewhere else, an appointment, you see. Thank you very much, sir."

The taxi driver stared at the man with the accent. "Aren't you his family?"

"Do I look like his family to you? I'm sorry, I have somewhere to be. Please, we're wasting time talking here. Get him to the emergency room!"

Ciel listened as the man disappeared into another cab, disappearing from his life forever. He would never get to see the face of the man who saved his life.

"All right, mate?"

Ciel nodded slightly. "Hurry," he whispered. A few seconds late he heard voices, dozens, all clamoring for attention. He heard yelling, screaming, crying, cursing, and even laughter, albeit maniacal laughter. He heard wheels of stretchers spinning, doctors shouting, keyboards clicking, and...was that a dog barking? It was amazing, how suddenly the world could come to life, how everything could suddenly become so visible, so alive, despite the fact that Ciel couldn't really see a thing.

"This man's been stabbed, you've got to save him!"

Although his body was numb, Ciel could tell he was being wheeled down the corridor in a matter of seconds.

"Does he have family? Friends? Someone who can get down here, as soon as possible?"

"I don't know. I just drove the cab. Look, I'm still on the job. I've got to go. Hope you'll be alright, mate."

And just like that, the taxicab driver disappeared. The second person who contributed to saving Ciel's life, gone without so much as a name. "My name is Ciel Phantomhive," he whispered, trying hard not to cough blood again.

The nurse wheeling the stretcher, immediately raised her eyebrows. "Ciel Phantomhive?"

_Does she know me?_

"You know Sebastian Michaelis, right?"

Ciel's eyes popped open. Although he couldn't see the woman's face, judging by the tone of her voice, she was excited about something. "Could you get him here for me? At least make sure he's okay, make sure he's alive."

The nurse stared at him in amazement. "Of course I'll find him for you. Is he your-"

"Boyfriend," Ciel said quickly.

The nurse squealed. "Oh God, I'm sorry. I shouldn't let this interfere with my work. We'll talk later, after you get out of surgery. You're going to wake up later and be all better, okay, Ciel Phantomhive? I just know it!" The nurse squealed again.

"Mey-Rin! Get this man into the operating room right now!"

With that, Ciel was wheeled away.

…

"Ciel?"

His eyes flickered open, drowsily. He noticed three things. One, his stomach hurt like hell. Two, he could see again. Three... "Sebastian!" _Sebastian. You're here. This isn't a dream, you're alive, you're sitting right next to me. Your clothes are covered in blood, your hair is all messed up, but you still look like an angel. My angel._

Suddenly, inexplicably, Ciel was crying. "Sebastian, Sebastian, Sebastian," he murmured, touching Sebastian's face. He traced his fingers over Sebastian's lips and cheeks, over his forehead, and eyelids, taking a deep breath. "It's you, it's really you," he breathed.

Sebastian nodded, taking Ciel's hand. "It's me," he whispered. He bowed his head, leveling it with Ciel's. He stared at him for a moment, their eyes both cloudy with tears. Sebastian kissed him, softly, just barely brushing his lips against Ciel's. He pulled away, gripping Ciel's hand tighter.

"Are you alright?" They both said simultaneously.

Ciel laughed, though it quickly turned into a grimace. Sebastian looked at him concernedly. "Your stomach, is it okay?"

Ciel nodded. "I think it's fine. Have you been hear all night? I-I don't know what to say...are you okay? I thought Alois hurt you, I thought-I thought-"

"Remember when I was the one who stuttered?" Sebastian smiled, running his fingers through Ciel's tangled hair. "I slept here. They tried to stick me in another room, I guess I look injured or something, but I said that this was the only place I wanted to be." Sebastian's eyes were full of nothing but love. Ciel could have stared at those eyes forever.

"Ciel? I have a lot to tell you. You need rest though, now isn't the time to talk." Sebastian sunk into his chair, sighing, his look of love turning into something that was faraway. "I ran to the bookshop yesterday, thinking you were still there. There were policeman and I saw blood, and I thought that you were gone. When I thought that, I wanted to scream, I wished I had killed Alois myself-"

"Alois is dead, isn't he?" Ciel's voice was flat, face blank. He could see the truth written in Sebastian's eyes. "Tell me everything, Sebastian, I can handle it. I promise."

Sebastian's soft smile was erased. "He killed himself. He-he threw himself out the window. And when he did it, I didn't even care. I was relieved, relieved that he wouldn't bother _you_ anymore. I thought, 'Ciel's free. Everything is going to be alright. Alois is gone and Ciel won't have to worry anymore.' Is that okay, Ciel? Is it okay to be glad that someone you hated is dead?"

_Don't feel guilty. Don't you dare feel guilty, Sebastian. Alois was a murderer. He was a possessive sociopath who controlled my life for years. He stole my life away from me, he tried to hurt me, and he tried to hurt you. You have every right to be glad that he's gone._ "It's alright, Sebastian. Really. Alois deserved it-"

"He loved you, Ciel."

Ciel's eyes widened. "He didn't love me, Sebastian-"

"He did. In his own way, he did."

"So you're saying Alois was just misunderstood? He was crazy-"

Sebastian took both of Ciel's hands. "I'm not trying to justify his actions, Ciel. I just want you to know that he truly cared about you. He truly loved you. He was crazy, but so are we. Aren't we?" Sebastian smiled. "And the important thing is that you're alive. And I'm alive. That's all that matters."

_You're too perfect, Sebastian Michaelis. We both nearly died and here you are, smiling and saying that everything is going to be okay. You've changed, Sebastian. You aren't that obsessive-__compulsive, depressed, socially awkward man I met in the bookshop anymore. _And for the first time, Ciel didn't feel like he was inferior or undeserving of Sebastian's love. They were equals now. Every vulnerability had been stripped away. "I love you," Ciel whispered.

"I love you too." Sebastian kissed him again, more firmly. Ciel could still feel the imprint of his lips several seconds after the kiss had ended.

Sebastian pulled away, leaning back in the chair. "There's something else I have to tell you, Ciel. I-I-"

"Oh my God! I just saw my OTP kiss, I just saw you kiss!" Ciel and Sebastian looked up in surprise. It was the nurse from earlier, her voice immediately recognizable. She wore thick-rim glasses and her hair was in pig tails. She looked like an overgrown school girl.

"Excuse me, Miss Nurse, but we're kind of in the middle of something-"

Sebastian smiled warmly. "Mey-Rin, I'm sorry, but could you come back later? I have to tell him something."

Mey-Rin grinned. "Of course, but hurry up, the doctor has to talk to Ciel." She skipped out of the room, giggling like a child.

_They hire people like that? _Ciel shook his head. "What did you want to say?"

Sebastian took a deep breath. "I knew your mother."

Ciel closed his eyes. Just like that, his world changed again.

* * *

_A/N: Okay, you probably have questions, like who was the bookshop owner? Though, I think I pretty much gave it away with the EAST ASIAN accent. That question will be answered though, same with the taxicab driver. _

_We also haven't seen Grell and William for a while..._


	25. Healing

Sunlight hit the window of the hospital room, rays illuminating Ciel's somber face. Sebastian gazed at him expectantly, waiting for his reaction. Ciel had been staring at nothing for the past ten minutes. Sebastian wasn't even sure Ciel had heard anything he had just said. He watched him for a moment longer, and finally, with a faint sigh, he turned his gaze to the window.

"Is it too bright in here, Ciel? I'll-I'll shut the curtains-"

Ciel grabbed his hand before Sebastian could stand up. His vaguely somber expression suddenly turned alarmed. He grasped Sebastian's hand tightly, eyes searching for, _what?_ _What are you looking for, Ciel? Who are you looking for? _"What-what is it?"

"You remember her? Do you remember what my mother looked like?"

Sebastian stared at Ciel, still trying to figure out what was playing through his mind. "She was perfect." Sebastian smiled, and then quickly frowned. "I was so angry. I kept thinking, how could this perfect stranger die? How could this woman with a whole life ahead of her just die? How could she just leave her son behind-"

"And that's when it all began, the OCD, and the depression, right?" Ciel breathed. "That's when everything fell apart. Hannah and Claude, they abused you and hurt you, but you got through it. But my parent's deaths, that was the boiling point. That was when something inside of you just...broke..." Ciel trailed off, fading into silence. He grasped Sebastian's hand even tighter.

"That was the day we became connected." Sebastian smiled.

"Why are you smiling?" Ciel gazed at him confusedly.

"If that hadn't happened, you never would have fallen in love with me." Sebastian smiled wider.

"What makes you think I wouldn't love you?" Ciel lifted himself slightly off the bed, face level with Sebastian's. His confused expression dissipated, melting into a lovestruck smile. "I would have fallen for you no matter what happened." He kissed the tip of Sebastian's nose and fell back onto the bed, chest rising and falling rapidly. He clutched his stomach for a second, and closed his eyes in pain. "It's probably going to be a few days before I get out of here."

Sebastian nodded. "Are you okay? Not your stomach, wait, I mean, I hope your stomach is alright, but about me being involved in your parent's deaths-"

Ciel cut him off. "You weren't involved, Sebastian. It wasn't your fault, and besides, it doesn't matter. It happened when I was just a little kid. I hardly remember it anymore. I hardly even remember what they looked like." He frowned slightly, apparently struggling to remember. "I think you're right about my mother. She _was _perfect." He smiled. "I'm glad that the last person she saw was you. I'm glad that you were the person holding her, telling her that everything would be okay." He closed his eyes again, against the pillow. "You should go home, Sebastian. Clean yourself up, get some sleep. I'm not going anywhere."

_How can I leave you now? After what happened yesterday? _Sebastian brushed his fingertips over Ciel's eyelids, watching as his eyelashes fluttered, a serene expression on his face. Ciel's body relaxed as he forgot the pain in his stomach. Sebastian pulled his hand away and rested against the chair. "I'm not going anywhere either, Ciel. I-I'm going to stay by your side. We're going to walk out of this hospital together, all right?"

Ciel laughed.

"What are you laughing at?" Sebastian found himself laughing along with Ciel.

"You. You've changed so much, Sebastian. You aren't awkward and shy anymore. You haven't even done anything remotely OCD today. You're laughing and smiling. You're not the same man I met in the bookshop, and I'm glad. I'm happy, Sebastian. I've never been happier. Sure, I'm in a hospital bed, and my stomach has never hurt more, but I'm happy."

_I love you, Ciel Phantomhive. _Sebastian was just about to say it, as Mey-Rin walked in, clutching a clipboard. "Can the doctor talk to Ciel now? I've given you guys like, twenty minutes." She blushed slightly. "Of course, I could give you more time." She winked.

"Could you give us one more minute, Nurse?" Ciel looked away from Mey-Rin's sickeningly fangirlish expression and focused on Sebastian, his smile still etched on his face, though a bit smaller. His eyes had a very serious look to them.

Mey-Rin nodded. "Okay, one more. Just one." She turned to leave. "Oh, by the way, you too are so damn cute I can barely stand it." She giggled and shut the door behind her.

_What's wrong?_ Sebastian's heart skipped a few beats. _Ten seconds ago you said you were happier than you had ever been. Despite the fact that you're in tremendous pain, despite the fact that the man you were once in love with killed himself, despite the fact that I was a part of the crash that killed your parents, despite everything that Alois put you through, you said you were happy. So why do I feel like something is wrong?_

"The proprietor of the book shop, what is his name?"

Sebastian exhaled, not even aware that he had been holding his breath. He was relieved. _Nothing is wrong. For once, nothing is wrong. _Sebastian had become so used to things going wrong, so used to his world falling apart, that the fact that Ciel was asking about something so insignificant, so _**ordinary**_, was, in a way, strange. It seemed like every conversation they had ever shared revealed some kind of a secret, or a vulnerability, or a confession. Every conversation ended in tears or kissing. Sebastian realized that those days were over. He knew everything about Ciel. Ciel knew everything about him. There wasn't anything to cry about anymore. Ciel had saved him. And with a start, he realized, he had saved Ciel.

"Sebastian?" Ciel was still awaiting an answer.

Sebastian smiled. "Mr. Lau. His name is Lau. Why?"

Ciel nodded. "Does he have a first name? Lau is a last name."

"I'm sure he does, but I have no idea what it is. He's never told me." Sebastian looked at Ciel curiously. "What is this about?" Sebastian's heart skipped again. He knew that he didn't have anything to worry about. He knew that there was nothing wrong anymore, but he had become so used to disaster and failure that it was actually painful not to worry.

"He was the one who found me. He brought me to the hospital, I was blind though, so I never got to see his face. I want to thank him for saving me-"

"Ciel Phantomhive?"

Ciel and Sebastian looked up. The doctor had entered. Mey-Rin appeared behind him, shrugging helplessly. "I'm sorry, but you can't be in here anymore. Mr. Phantomhive has to rest. You can come back tomorrow." The doctor spoke with a slight Indian accent. He walked over to Ciel's bedside, pulled a paper out of his coat pocket, and began to read over it silently. Sebastian didn't move from his chair.

"I tried to give you more time," Mey-Rin whispered, somehow materializing right next to Sebastian. "Doctor Agni is a bitch." She cleared her throat as Doctor Agni gave her a rude look, narrowing his eyes.

"Please, Mr. Michaelis, if you could kindly leave. Mr. Phantomhive must rest. Like I said, please come back tomorrow."

"When can he go home?" Sebastian asked.

"He should stay here for at least three more days. Now please leave, we have tests to run. Mey-Rin, please escort Mr. Michaelis outside."

Sebastian touched Ciel's fingertips momentarily and pressed them to his lips. He gave Ciel a quick reassuring look, and followed Mey-Rin outside. _I don't want to leave you, Ciel. I want to stay with you forever. _He stared at the door to Ciel's room, Mey-Rin put a hand on his shoulder. "If only the Sebastian in the manga was as adorable as you." She laughed. "He's going to be alright you know," Mey-Rin said, her tone more serious. "You're really in love with him, aren't you?"

_I love him more than anyone could possibly know._ Sebastian nodded. "I guess I should go back to the flat. I'm still covered in blood, aren't I?"

Mey-Rin nodded. "Don't worry about Ciel, okay? I'll watch over him for you." She smiled. "I can't let one half of my OTP get hurt. Oh, that reminds me, did you order any manga yet, for your shop?"

Sebastian smiled. After everything that had happened lately, restocking the book shop was the last thing on his mind. "I'll do that tomorrow, just for you." He waved at Mey-Rin and strolled down the corridor, towards the elevator. He pressed the button for the lobby, and for once, his mind was clear. No worry, no feeling of despair, or impending doom. Just...calmness. It was nice, feeling calm. And for once, Sebastian knew it would last. This time, his happiness wasn't just temporary.

He rode a taxicab back to his flat, drifting off to sleep, dreaming of Ciel. There would be no more nightmares for Sebastian. There would be no more depression. There would be no more Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Even his social anxiety had seemed to be partially cured, though he knew that was something that would always stay with him. Sebastian woke up, just as the cab arrived in front of his building.

"Hey, mate, I noticed that you came from the hospital." The taxi driver popped his head out the window, looking at Sebastian. "There was some kid stabbed yesterday, do you happen to know anything about that?"

Sebastian's eyes widened. "Black hair and dark blue eyes?"

"Yeah, you know the bloke?"

"Yes, I do." _Who is this?_

"I drove him to the hospital yesterday, him and some sick looking fellow. I was bloody scared, mate, I thought the kid was going to die! He's alright though?"

Sebastian smiled. "He's going to be fine. And thank you, for taking him to the hospital. He's someone who I love very, very much. I don't know what I would do without him." It was true. Sebastian was sure that he would spiral right back into the depression that had trapped him for such a long time. If Ciel had died, well, Sebastian didn't want to think about that. "Thank you," he said again, sincerely. He glanced at the name tag on the driver's chest. _Thank you, Baldroy._

Baldroy nodded. "Glad he's alright. Have a nice day, mate. Oh yeah, you're covered in blood, you know that right?"

"Yes, thank you. You have a nice day, too." Sebastian watched as the cab sped away and the driver half responsible for saving Ciel's life disappeared forever.

He looked up at sky, and for the first time in months, it wasn't dreary or grey. It was cloudless, blue, and sunny. Sebastian didn't even feel the chill in the air. Spring had come along with his happiness. He smiled again. _I've been doing that a lot lately, haven't I? _He smiled even wider and actually skipped up the steps to his flat. He closed the door only once.

"Sebastian, is he okay? Is the stabbed man okay?

Sebastian looked up, startled. Mr. Lau sat in the middle of the living room, his face emaciated and body slouched over. He was the picture of death. "I'm sorry, I would have stayed with him, I was just feeling too..." Lau trailed off, waving his arms. "I came here because I was too weak to make it back to my own flat."

"Mr. Lau, Ciel is fine. He's going to live. But how do you even know him? I haven't even seen you for months. The shop is going to be closed soon, Mr. Lau. We can't afford to keep it running anymore."

"Oh, of course." Lau said indifferently. "Well, I do plan on leaving it to you, Sebastian. You've taken such good care of it over the years. I'm sure you'll find a way to keep it running." He coughed. "I knew you were close to the stabbed man. I could tell he was staying alive just for you."

Sebastian looked at Lau, confused. "How could you tell?"

"His eyes were so sad and hopeful at the same time. Just like yours. Only a person who's spent time with you could achieve such a look." Lau smiled. "Well, I think I've rested quite enough. I'll go back to my own home."

Sebastian strolled across the living room, taking Lau's shoulder. "Ciel wants to thank you for saving him."

"When he gets released from the hospital he can come visit." Lau smiled. "I'm going to go home now, Sebastian. Clean that blood off of you. Please don't tell me where it came from." Lau walked almost at a lethargically slow pace to the door. Sebastian watched him leave, unaware he would never see him again.

* * *

_A/N: Guess what? We've nearly reached the end. There are going to be two more chapters. And then Misery Loves Company will be over. I'm warning you now so that you don't freak out when it happens. Don't worry, I'll do my best to make it the most beautiful ending you've ever read. _

_Let's hit 200 reviews, okay? :)_


	26. Home

Ciel yawned, stretched his arms, and lifted himself up off the bed. He sat on the edge, looking out the window and then at the empty chair at his side. He smiled to himself. _Sebastian will be here any minute. And today I can go home. _

Home. One month ago, home was Alois's flat. Home was Alois's extravagant parties. Home was Alois's bed. One month ago, Ciel was a spoiled wealthy child, who threw money at cigarettes and alcohol. One month ago, he didn't have Sebastian. Home had changed a lot in the past month.

"You have a visitor, Ciel." Mey-Rin had walked in, unannounced, for maybe the fiftieth time in Ciel's four days spent in the hospital. And as usual, she was blushing and giggling for no apparent reason. She bent next to Ciel's ear. "He looks just like Grell from the anime!"

That meant nothing to Ciel. He gave her a quick nod and a pretend smile. "Grell Sutcliff is here?"

Mey-Rin nodded. "He says he's a friend of yours. If you don't actually know him, I can-"

"It's fine. I was just kind of expecting Sebastian, you know?"

Mey-Rin plopped down on the chair. "Your release time is at noon. It's only nine in the morning right now. Are you really so anxious to get out of here? Won't you miss me, Ciel? I'll miss you, it's been so much fun..."

Ciel stopped listening as Grell quietly walked in. He gave a small wave. "Hey, Ciel."

"Grell. Sorry, but I really wasn't expecting you. How are you?" Ciel could immediately feel the awkwardness in the air. He shifted around the bed, uncomfortably. Mey-Rin dashed out of the chair and patted it, waving Grell towards it. "I'll go see if Sebastian's on his way." She cleared her throat, taking one last look at Ciel, winking at him, as she so often did. Her heels clanked out of sight as the door slammed.

"Oh, well, I'm great, actually. Hey, I know I'm not the person you were expecting. I know this is pretty damn awkward." Grell paused, apparently trying to think of what to say next. He started twirling his thumbs in his lap. Finally, he continued. "Truthfully, Will, I mean, Professor Spears sent me here." He stopped talking again and sighed, frowning deeply. "He was just going to have the school send you a letter, but he thought that maybe the nicer thing to do would be to talk to you in person-"

"I'm kicked out of his class, right?" Ciel laughed, though he was a bit disappointed. After all, Psychology was really all he was ever good at. He might have actually had a chance to do something with it, of course, if he ever graduated, which, one month ago, would have been highly unlikely. Today though, maybe he did have a chance. _Alois is dead. He can't fuck anything up even if he tried._

Grell looked at Ciel curiously. "That's not the reaction I was expecting, but whatever. He was going to come here himself, but some things came up, so he sent me instead. I told him that I wasn't his little errand boy, but Will can get so-" Grell stopped mid-sentence, face reddening. "Anyways, you've skipped his last four classes, not including the one you missed while you were here, because that would just be cruel, but-"

"Do you think he would give me another chance?" For the first time in a long time, Ciel was thinking of the future. Not just of his future with Sebastian, but life. Life in general. Ciel had never truly lived, no matter how much he used to think so. He had been a lifeless robot following Alois's every command. Not ever making a single choice for himself. Those days were over. It was about time Ciel started living.

"Well, he's a pretty rough guy, so I don't-"

"You love him, right, Grell?" Ciel didn't wait for a reply. "I know that I let him down. I know that he cared about me. I want to make it up, I don't want to waste my life anymore. Even if he is a terrible teacher."

Grell snorted. "You're right, he _is _a pretty bad teacher. And I do love him, I love him a lot. How did you figure that out?"

"You remind me of Sebastian. The blushing, the stumbling over your words, the way you look when you mention his name. It's obvious. I just hope your story was a lot happier than Sebastian's." Ciel smiled. "So do you think Spears will give me another chance?"

"I'll talk to him. Hey, Ciel? Can I ask you something?" Grell scooted the chair a couple inches closer to Ciel.

"Ask away."

"Did you ever feel like it was wrong? Loving Sebastian?" Grell sighed. "Because it felt wrong, it felt so fucking wrong for me when I realized I was in love with Will. Not only were we both men, but I was his student. It hurt so much sometimes, trying to avoid him in the corridor, trying to not look him in the eyes, because I would just melt if I did. And the worst part was thinking that he felt nothing for me, thinking that I was and would always be, just that kid with the red hair." Grell laughed darkly, remembering the past. "And then all of the sudden, that changed. He grabbed me after class one day, and he kissed me. He just kissed me. And all of these feelings, happiness, anger, guilt, love, all of them just came rushing at me. It doesn't feel wrong anymore, but sometimes I feel bad for ever thinking that it was. Does that make sense? You probably don't even want to hear any of this-"

"So your story was sad." Ciel sighed. "I suppose everyone has a sad story. But you're one of the lucky ones, Grell. Your story is happy now. Just like Sebastian's. Just like mine. And of course, nothing is ever going to be one hundred percent perfect. We don't have to feel bad about anything, but we're human. That's what we do. We laugh, cry, smile, and sometimes we even feel like dying. We're a mess. A great big, beautiful, mess." He laughed, tears appearing in his eyes. He let them fall. "And in the end, everything will be alright." He sniffled. "Did I answer your question or did I just confuse you?"

Grell smiled. "You answered it perfectly." He stood up, wiping tears from his own eyes. "Thanks, Ciel. I know we've never really been friends, but I always figured you were smarter than you let on. This might be a little harsh, but I always thought Alois was holding you back. I'm glad that you're rid of him." He frowned slightly, biting his lip. "That sounded terrible, didn't it? I'm sorry, I know he meant a lot to you."

Ciel shook his head. "You're right, he did hold me back. He nearly killed me." He gazed at his stomach. "Literally," he added, his lips curling in a grim smile. _Even though I loved him once, and even though a small part of me will always love him, it's better that he's gone. It's better for everyone. Even if he did love me back, even if he was a misunderstood sociopath who needed serious help, it's better that he's gone._

"I should get going. I'll talk to William for you. If he doesn't let you back in class, I won't sleep with him for a month. Let's see if that changes his mind." Grell turned towards the door. "I hope you'll stay happy. I don't even know everything about you and Sebastian, but I can tell you've been through hell. So, stay happy, okay, Ciel? I'll see you around." Grell opened the door, only to reveal, none other than Sebastian. Grell patted Sebastian's back and whispered something inaudible. He disappeared out of the room.

Sebastian broke out into a smile reminiscent of a child blowing out the candles on a birthday cake.

"You saw me yesterday," Ciel said, a smile breaking out onto his own face. _Why are you so perfect, Sebastian Michaelis?_ "What did Grell just say to you?"

"He said that I'm a lucky-" Sebastian paused, "I'm a lucky bastard." He blushed slightly.

Ciel stood up, legs wobbly from lack of use. He stumbled into Sebastian's arms. "You are a lucky bastard, Sebastian Michaelis." He ruffled Sebastian's hair and kissed the tip of his nose. "And I'm lucky too," he breathed, leaning in to kiss Sebastian's lips. They stood locked in an embrace for several seconds.

"I need to get out of here, Sebastian. I'm sick of hospital food. I'm sick of that doctor. Don't get me started on the nurse. She's insane." Ciel took Sebastian's hand, pulling him towards the window. "I want to go out there. It's so sunny, so _nice._" He gazed at the London cityscape that was so close yet so faraway. "It's not ugly anymore. It's colorful and warm, and..." Ciel trailed off, noticing Sebastian's glittering eyes. He shivered and pulled Sebastian towards him. "Now I _**really**_ want to go home." He traced Sebastian's collarbone and chest, and moved his hands farther down, so that he could slide his hands under Sebastian's sweater, feeling the warmth that radiated off of him. Sebastian nestled into him, kissing Ciel's neck.

"Am I interrupting again?" Mey-Rin had appeared out of nowhere, yet again.

Ciel and Sebastian broke apart, Sebastian's face red with embarrassment. Ciel rolled his eyes at Mey-Rin. "Nurse, please! Please just give me some privacy, is that too much to ask for?!" He calmed down quickly, catching Sebastian's eyes. He mumbled an apology.

Mey-Rin was beaming. "This is too cute. Just too cute. You're exactly like him. Spot on, perfect."

"Like who?"

Sebastian pulled out his cell phone and quickly flipped to a picture.

Ciel stared at it for a second. "This is what you do with a phone?" He tried to look angry, but he couldn't help but smile at the picture. There was a prepubescent boy with an eye patch wearing fancy Victorian era clothing looking up at a grown man in a butler outfit. They were clearly from a Japanese manga. Ciel looked at Sebastian in the picture and then at the real Sebastian. They did look alike. "But I don't look like a twelve year old!"

Mey-Rin giggled and Sebastian smiled. "I don't really have a use for this phone other than looking up things on the internet. And calling you."

Mey-Rin looked at Sebastian. "From now on you can call me too. I'll be your best friend, okay? We can hang out whenever you want to. We can even go to the anime convention this summer. And you can meet my friends, Finny, Soma..." Mey-Rin went on for several minutes, though neither Ciel or Sebastian were listening.

Ciel sat down on his bed, reaching for Sebastian's hand. "It's crazy, isn't it?" He said softly. "In all the time we've known each other, it's been nothing but pain and heartbreak, but now, now everything is so...normal." _We have nothing to worry about. After all this time, everything will be alright, finally came true._ Ciel smiled. "I love you," he whispered. He snuck in a furtive kiss to Sebastian's cheek, and watched as Doctor Agni entered the room.

"Two visitors, Mey-Rin? You let two visitors in? Patients are to only have one visitor a day!"

Mey-Rin rolled her eyes. "Sorry, Doctor. But what can I do, Mr. Phantomhive is a popular guy." She shrugged. "Oh, here's my number, Sebastian. Call okay?" She ignored Doctor Agni's annoyed glare and ran from the room.

"Mr. Phantomhive, I'm pleased to announce that you can go."

"Sir? I thought my release time was noon-"

"Oh, do you wish to stay? You could stay for another week-"

"No, no, I'm alright. I'm alright." Ciel smiled. _I can't stand another day in here let alone a whole week._

"Good. Get your clothes on, make sure you stop by check out, and leave. And of course, make sure you get a follow-up appointment scheduled. Have a nice day, Mr. Phantomhive." Doctor Agni smiled slightly, but quickly retreated back into his usual stoic self. "And you," he pointed at Sebastian, "take good care of him." He scribbled something down onto a paper and waved Ciel and Sebastian away.

"Finally," Ciel said. _And so my second life begins._

After Ciel had dressed, scheduled his next appointment, and paid the outrageous bill, the two stepped outside, hand in hand. Ciel wanted to shout. "The sun, the beautiful sun." He laughed, and at once, the lingering itch in his stomach vanished and he felt completely whole. Completely alive. He was far removed from the near corpse laying in the bookshop in the pool of blood.

He pulled Sebastian down the street, running and laughing like a child.

"People are staring at you," Sebastian called out over the noise of traffic.

"They're staring at _you_," Ciel said, "they can't help it, your beauty is blinding them." He grinned, flashing the smile that he was sure Sebastian had fallen in love with a month ago. "Or maybe it's my beauty." _God, Sebastian, you look even better in the sunlight._ Sebastian's pale features glowed with the sunlight, as if they were reflecting it. His eyes shined. "I can't say it enough, Sebastian. I love you." Ciel jumped on top of a bench. "I love Sebastian Michaelis!" He yelled, and he jumped back down, pulling Sebastian in for a kiss. "I love you, I love you, I love you." They swayed back and forth for a few seconds, even Sebastian managing to ignore the various assortment of looks they got.

"I love you too, Ciel."

Ciel melted all over again. _Two weeks ago we couldn't even say those words. Now I can't say them enough. Look how far we've come. Look how happy we are._ _Look how brilliantly, wonderfully, amazingly happy we are. _

They boarded a bus back to London's East End, smiling all the way. Ciel stared at the building he now called home. He had never seen such a gorgeous site. "Hey, Sebastian?"

"Hmm?"

"I love you." Ciel grabbed his hand again and pulled him up the steps. They burst into the flat, arms wrapped securely around each other, Ciel planting sloppy kisses all over Sebastian. He didn't stop whispering 'I love you.'

…

"Sebastian?" Ciel rolled over in the bed, wrapping his arms around Sebastian's waist. "So is the beginning of our second lives?"

Sebastian opened his eyes. "It is, isn't it." Ciel could tell that he was smiling in the darkness. "I like this beginning, Ciel."

Ciel closed his eyes. "Me too." _Me too. It's permanent this time, isn't it? The happiness. We aren't broken anymore._ He fell asleep. It was the best sleep he ever had.

* * *

_A/N: We're almost there. We're almost to the end. *Cries even though I'm the one who decided this* I promise the last chapter will be a long one. And it will be perfect. I promise :)_


	27. End

_A/N: This is it guys. This is the end._

* * *

Warm arms wrapped around Sebastian's waist, pulling him closer. Ciel mumbled something incoherent, half-asleep. Sebastian's eyelids fluttered open, and for a second, he couldn't believe it. He couldn't believe that there could be a sight so beautiful right there next to him. The sight of Ciel, eyes closed, serene expression on his face, and porcelain skin, so inviting, so soft, laying _right next to me._ _He's here. And he's not going anywhere. _And once again, Sebastian could hardly believe that there was nothing to worry about anymore. He could hardly believe that everything in the past month had led to this. Led to his happiness. Pure happiness.

Sebastian watched Ciel for a few seconds, touching his exposed skin lightly, thoughts of the previous night making his cheeks blush. He stood up, slowly stretching. The sun was already up. Sebastian had managed to sleep in for one of the first times in his life. He smiled, another accomplishment had been made. Another item checked off of his mental list.

He walked into the bathroom and washed his face, looking at himself in the mirror. The face that gazed back at him was nearly unrecognizable. He wasn't emaciated and gaunt. He wasn't a walking skeleton. The dark circles that had plagued him were nonexistent. His eyes weren't sad anymore; if anyone looked at him, they would see a happy young man, having the time of his life. He was shining with pure joy. Even his hair seemed to be electrified, standing on his head, rather than drooping against his face, hiding the outward depression. It was as if his hair decided to be happy too, as if it had all the sudden decided that there was nothing to hide on Sebastian Michaelis's face any longer.

Sebastian entered the kitchen, put some tea on the stove, and started preparing breakfast. _This is our first day as a normal couple. No crying, no worrying, no yelling, just breakfast. Eggs, sausage, and pancakes. Our first meal that doesn't end in some deep, angsty, conversation. _There would be no more shattering plates, no more holding Sebastian as he cried on the kitchen floor. No more scrubbing his hands until they were raw. No more opening and closing doors countless times. No more being afraid of answering the phone. _Well...maybe._

"It smells delicious."

Sebastian wanted to melt right there on the spot. Ciel stood in the doorway, rubbing sleep out of his eyes, standing in nothing but a pair of boxers. He wrapped his arms around himself, shivering. Sebastian very nearly ran to his side; it took all of his restraint not to enfold Ciel in his arms to warm him up. "Are you cold?" He simply said.

"Very. Hold me?" Ciel smiled slyly. He took a few strides toward Sebastian, and without warning, grabbed him, pulling him in for a kiss.

"Ciel, Ciel! The food's going to burn!" Sebastian tried to pry himself out of Ciel's arms, all the while laughing. He tried to put on a serious expression, failing miserably. "Ciel, please. Ciel!"

"Wait, wait, just one more." Ciel kissed him again, this time more slowly, tasting Sebastian's lips and than his tongue, letting low moans escape his throat. He pulled away, a satisfied smirk on his face.

"The sausage is burning!" Sebastian tried to look angry, but once again, he failed, melting into a smile at the sight of Ciel.

"Do you know what other sausage is burning?" Ciel mumbled. He reached out to take the kettle off the stove. Ciel poured himself a cup of tea and than one for Sebastian. He took a sip. "You make the best tea, you know that right, Sebastian? You should teach me."

"You're British and you don't know how to make tea?" Sebastian laughed.

Ciel brushed it off. He took another sip and sat silently, waiting for breakfast to be ready. "Do you need any help?"

Sebastian smiled to himself. Anyone who saw Ciel and him would think they were newlyweds on their honeymoon with the way that they looked at each other, the constant kissing, the way Ciel always grabbed his hand, the way Ciel held him, everything. They lived as if every moment could potentially be their last. After all, they had both been on the verge of death before. To Ciel and Sebastian, death was a very real possibility, unthinkable, gruesome, but possible. And even if their happiness was permanent, their lives were not.

Eventually, they would grow old, their looks would fade, they would die. But their love would not fade, Sebastian could guarantee that. He would love Ciel up until the moment he closed his eyes forever. Sebastian shook his head, finding it hard to even contemplate the future. It was a miracle he had even made it this far. He could hardly imagine himself an old man, wrinkled, sitting on a rocking chair, holding Ciel's equally brittle hand. Yet, the thought was nice, it was welcoming. Sebastian would grow old with Ciel. He would not be alone, ever again. _Never. I don't have to be alone anymore. _

"Sebastian, the eggs are burning now." Ciel leaned over the counter, turning the temperature on the stove down. "Are my looks too distracting?" He batted his eyelashes, mockingly seductive. "I understand if I'm too handsome for my own good. I can leave the room if you want me to-"

"Come here." Sebastian took his hands and pulled him as close as he could, despite the counter creating a barrier between them. He pressed his lips to Ciel's. "Now can I finish cooking? You are _really _distracting me."

Ciel smirked; _that smirk is killing me. _"I know what I want after breakfast," Ciel said. He grinned. "Oh I definitely know what I want." He stood up and put his now empty cup of tea into the sink, rinsing it off. After he had promptly dried his hands, he wrapped his arms around Sebastian's waist, burrowing his head into Sebastian's side. "I love you," he whispered. Sebastian shivered; those words would always mean everything to him. "I love you too," he said back, a smile spreading across his face as he said those four little words. It would never change, the way they said those words. Every time, they would have the same meaning; they could never lose their meaning. Even after being said a thousand times, nothing would change.

…

Sometime later Sebastian was sitting on the sofa, legs curled up next to Ciel's, their bodies resting against each other. Ciel was on his laptop, Sebastian reading a book.

"Spears is giving me another chance," Ciel said excitedly, "and Grell is inviting us over for dinner next week."

Sebastian glanced up from his book, _Norwegian Wood_, and up at Ciel, who wore a mildly amused expression. "Dinner with your Psychology professor?" He gazed back down at the book, chuckling. Ciel hit his arm playfully.

"We have to go, Grell's a nice guy, and it probably took all he had to even get the courage to invite us."

"He probably has a crush on you," Sebastian said quietly.

Ciel laughed. "Is that jealousy I hear, Sebastian Michaelis? I bet he has a crush on you, there's something oddly appealing about fragile damaged boys like you. And it doesn't help that you're the most adorable thing on this whole fucking planet." He laid his head down on Sebastian's lap, and looked up at him, pushing the book to the side so he could get a clear view of his lover. "Do you think I should go?"

"It's up to you," Sebastian said, finding it very hard to concentrate on the words running across the page.

"No, not that." Ciel's voice was suddenly very serious. "Alois's funeral."

_Is that today? Has it really been a whole week since he died? _Sebastian could still see it clearly, the open window, the leaves swirling through the room, Alois's final words. _The day our troubles disappeared. The day Ciel almost died. _"Is that really today?" Of course, he already knew the answer. The announcement had arrived in the mail that morning. Alois's body had been found on the street, head smashed in, blood gushing all around him. He was even featured in the news the very next day, not that Sebastian had paid any attention.

"Should I call his parents or something? Tell them 'I'm sorry but I don't think I can do it.'" Ciel sighed. "They don't even know what their son was responsible for. They don't know that he was a murderer. I don't think they even knew he was bisexual." Ciel shook his head. "I used to think it was great, the way he was so good at hiding everything. Hiding his cigarettes and beer. Hiding his porn stash. Even his own personality. I wanted to be just like him."

"I think you should go to the funeral," Sebastian said, his own words surprising him. "He was a huge part of you, Ciel. You loved him and he loved you."

"You think he's in hell watching over me?" Ciel managed to laugh. "I'll go, but only if you come with me."

"Of course I'll go with you," Sebastian said. He leaned down and kissed the tip of Ciel's nose.

…

Several sharp rings rang throughout the flat. Ciel was in the bathroom, struggling to put on a tie, Sebastian trying to help, though he hadn't the faintest idea how, seeing as he had never had a reason to wear one.

"It's probably that nurse from the hospital," Ciel said, rolling his eyes. "You shouldn't have given her our number.

Sebastian smiled. _**Our**__ number. It's not just my phone number anymore._ "I gave her my cell phone number," he said, "not the house one." He dropped Ciel's neck tie and went to pick up the phone. He didn't even hesitate. "Hello?"

"Did I call at a bad time? You sound as if you're in a hurry."

Sebastian immediately recognized the voice as Mr. Lau's. "Ciel and I are going to a funeral."

"The funeral of the man that stabbed him? Isn't that a bit strange, Sebastian?"

"Mr. Lau, I'm sorry, but we do have to get going. I can stop by your flat later, if you'd like me to visit. Are you running low on medicine? I could run to the pharmacy if you want-"

Lau cut him off. "I don't live in London anymore, Sebastian. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you earlier, I should have told you the last time I saw you, but you were thinking of your boyfriend and I didn't want to give you something else to worry about-"

"Mr. Lau, where are you?"

"I've gone back to China." Lau laughed, coughing in the process. "I think I'm going to get better here, after all, my whole family is here. They've wanted me to come back for years. I honestly shouldn't have left in the first place."

"But what about the book shop?" Sebastian didn't need an answer. He already knew. The book shop was his.

"You can keep it running, Sebastian. That shop was a diseased man's cure. At least, his partial cure. When I was first diagnosed, I thought it was over. I thought I might as well just end my life, but then that book shop came into my life. And suddenly, I had something to live for. That's why I hired you, Sebastian. You were a diseased man, too, who had absolutely nothing to live for. So I thought that the shop could be a distraction, it could give you something, no matter how small or insignificant, something to live for." Lau was silent for a few seconds. "And now you've found something even bigger, even better to live for. You can pass the shop down, pass it to some other unfortunate soul, maybe they'll meet a lucky fate akin to yours." He paused. "Of course, you could also sell it, I wouldn't mind-"

"Mr. Lau, I could never sell the shop. I'll take care of it, I promise you, but I do have a question. Why did you leave without seeing Ciel? You saved his life and now he'll never get to see you-"

"Who said he couldn't take a trip to China?" Lau laughed. "I suppose I just don't have the courage to face him, I don't want to be seen as a hero, Sebastian. I'm just a thirty-five year old man who got sick during the height of his youth. I'm nothing special."

_No, you are a hero. You saved Ciel's life. I can't thank you enough for that._ _You saved me too, __taking me as an employee. I would be on the street if it wasn't for you. For the longest time, you were the only person who cared about me, Mr. Lau. And I don't even know your first name. _"You are a hero, Mr. Lau."

If Sebastian could have seen Lau's face, he would have seen tears. "Thank you, Sebastian. Again, I know I should have told you I was going to leave, I'm sorry I didn't. Maybe I'll call again, someday. If you ever find yourself in China, please visit."

"Are you sure you don't want to talk to Ciel?"

"I'm sure. I have nothing to say that I'm sure he doesn't already know. I wish you both the best. Like I said, come visit if you can."

"We will go to China on holiday. Thank you for everything, Mr. Lau. And by the way, you've never told me your first name." Sebastian had a feeling that Lau wasn't going to say.

"I'm a very mysterious person, Sebastian."

"So you aren't going to tell me?"

"Knowing my name wouldn't change anything."

Sebastian nodded, despite the fact that Lau wasn't even in the same room. "Thank you," he said again. "Goodbye, Mr. Lau."

"Goodbye, Sebastian."

Ciel was standing in the doorway in a full suit. He had even managed to put his tie on correctly. "He didn't want to talk? I still wish I could thank him. Thank him for not letting me die, so that I could be with you." Ciel took one long stride over and straightened Sebastian's jacket. "Should we get going?"

…

The funeral took place outside of a church, on a cemetery lawn. Alois's parents, relatives, and friends were all there. None of them knew the truth about their beloved Alois. No one knew that he had ever committed a crime. As far as they knew, he was their perfect, charming angel.

Sebastian gripped Ciel's hand. He could tell Ciel felt sick. "We can leave whenever you want," he whispered.

"I can do this." Ciel smiled, and it was genuine. He led Sebastian to a pair of empty chairs. They sat down, still holding each other's hands. A few people raised their eyebrows at them. There were a few whispers. Unsurprisingly, the usual guests at Alois's parties had decided not to come. Not one person from the crowd he went around with at the university had showed up. Here, there were only childhood friends and friends of his parents. None of them had the faintest idea of what went on in Alois's personal life. He hadn't even spoken with his parents for three years.

"Ciel?"

Ciel and Sebastian looked up. A woman dressed in complete red was standing in front of them, eyes wide, face smeared with cheap looking makeup. _That's Ciel's aunt._ _Angelina._

"You were invited?" Ciel spluttered.

"Of course, Alois practically lived in our flat when you two were teenagers. Who is this, Ciel? Seeing as you haven't bothered talking to me for the past four years, I must have missed out on a lot. Since when are you gay? Last time we spoke, you had a girlfriend."

Sebastian's grip tightened. He suddenly felt very self-conscious, and very awkward.

"Aunt Angelina, are you accusing me of something right now? I'm not the one going around as an escort by the name of Madam Red."

Angelina blushed. "Where the hell did you hear that?"

A few people shot dark looks at the trio. Sebastian could imagine their thoughts. _Who is that gay couple and that swearing woman? What are they doing here?_ He had been opened up to a whole different world from his little flat in East London.

"We've both made some bad choices, Aunt." Ciel reached out to her, finally dropping Sebastian's hand. "This is Sebastian Michaelis, my boyfriend."

_Boyfriend. That will never get old._ Sebastian's lips curled. He put his hand out for Angelina to shake. He almost laughed. _Remember when I didn't even know how to greet people? Remember when I didn't know what to say? _"I've heard about you," he said.

"Good things, I hope?" Angelina winked. "Well, Ciel, unlike the rest of the total bastards here, I'm not going to judge you. He is certainly handsome." She pulled her dress up higher, making an attempt to cover her cleavage. "Have you noticed how bloody prudish Alois's family is? Honestly, I don't blame him for doing the things he did."

Ciel laughed, almost nervously. "Maybe I'll tell you the whole story sometime, Aunt Angie. Trust me, there's a lot you don't know about Alois Trancy." He took Sebastian's hand again. "Now we only need to get through the service." He kissed Sebastian's cheek. _Everyone is staring, Ciel. But I don't care, because it's you kissing me. _

They sat through the full service in complete silence. Every so often, one of Alois's relatives would shoot ugly glances at Ciel and Sebastian. A month ago, Sebastian wouldn't have been able to handle it. He would have run away in humiliation and embarrassment. He would have hid forever. He would have isolated himself from all of the people that could potentially hurt him.

"His family thinks I stole him from them. They got mad because he spent too much time with me and not with them. I think a few of them even started to catch onto what was going on between us," Ciel whispered, as the priest was finishing the service. "Do you think I should tell them who their precious little Alois really was?"

Sebastian shook his head. "I think it's better that they don't know, better that they have a good memory of him, so that they don't have to think about the things you've had to think about. It's better that they don't have to think about him as a murderer, a sociopath, and a sadist."

"It is sad though, sad that they won't ever know who he was. They'll always have this completely false perception of him. 'Who was Alois Trancy?,' people will ask. And they'll say, 'he was popular, charismatic, and charming. He had blue eyes that looked like the ocean. He had this playful smile that would always make everyone happy. He was the closest thing to perfection there was.' They won't get to hear the truth. And I guess it really is better that way." Ciel looked down at the grass below his feet, apparently unaware that the funeral service had ended.

Angelina stood up. "Well, I'm getting the fuck out of here. Are you two coming? I don't want to be around these people more than I have to." She eyed the dispersing crowd, shaking her head.

"Are you alright?" Sebastian looked down at Ciel who was still staring at the ground apparently thinking about something. _Whatever it is, I'm here. _

"Just remembering. I'm remembering that day in the park, when we were just little kids, and Alois killed that bird. That was the day I should have run away; I should have known he was trouble, but instead I stayed by his side. And for a moment there, I was regretting it, but you know what I realized? If I stayed away from him, I would be a completely different person right now. I wouldn't be the Ciel you fell in love with."

"Your faults are what makes you," Sebastian whispered. He stood up, pulling Ciel up with him. "Miss Durless? Would you like to come to dinner with us next week? Ciel should stay in touch with you. You seem like a very nice person."

Angelina raised her eyebrows. "Good job Ciel, you needed someone with manners. I would be glad to accompany you."

Sebastian put his hand out again for her to shake. Angelina waved it off, instead, she grabbed him for a hug, holding him close. "Ciel needed someone like you," she said in his ear. "I don't really know you, but I can tell he loves you. He loves you _a lot_." She pulled away, ruffled Ciel's hair and walked away, across the lawn, through the cemetery, putting as much distance as she could between herself and Alois's conservative family.

…

One week later

Six people sat around a table in the loud, disorganized, Wo Ai Ni. Will Spears, who was obviously very annoyed at the fact that Grell had lied to him, promising that this would be a private dinner between the two of them. Grell Sutcliff, who was gazing into Will's eyes lovingly. Ciel Phantomhive, who was holding Sebastian's hand under the table and whispering into his ear. Sebastian Michaelis, who was trying his hardest not to blush or laugh. Angelina Durless, who felt very uncomfortable around a group of people half her age. And lastly, Mey-Rin, who had been invited last minute by Sebastian, much to everyone's annoyance.

"Pose for me, please. Please, Will! I won't post it anywhere, I promise! I promise!" Mey-Rin held a camera, trying to force Will and Grell into a pose. Of course, Grell had quickly obliged, whereas Will was clearly not going to budge.

He cleared his throat. "So, Ciel, tell me honestly, am I better professor now? Do you like my class?"

Ciel was not paying attention. He was making out with Sebastian, hands lost in his boyfriend's hair. "I love you," he said, taking a breath.

Mey-Rin squealed, snapping a picture. "Do it again, I want to film it this time!"

_Darkness was my comforting friend. Loneliness was my lover. Misery was my world. I had nothing. Now, I have everything._

~The End~

* * *

_A/N: Thank you, thank you, thank you! I love all of you soooo much! Thanks for your reviews, follows, favorites, etc. You guys are absolutely fantastic. I loved writing this fic and I hope you loved reading it. Sequel? Maybe... Not sure yet, but I do definitely have plans for another SebCiel fic. That will be coming soon, so look out for it :)_

_I wanted to make a list of songs that I think you should listen to. These are the songs that inspired this story. Even if you don't listen to all of them, please at least listen to Everything Will Be Alright by The Killers. Especially if you're going through something tough, this song is the reason why I'm alive. Please listen to it._

_Tom Odell-Another Love  
Marina and the Diamonds-Teen Idle (the most depressing song I have ever listened to, mostly because it describes me)  
Muse-Map of the Problematique  
Arctic Monkeys-Do Me a Favour  
Daesung-Baby Don't Cry (most of this song is in korean)  
Tablo-Dear TV (the message is incredible)  
The Killers-Everything Will Be Alright (please, please, please, listen to it)  
The xx-Crystalised  
Muse-Map of the Problematique  
Miyavi-Gravity (most of this song is in japanese)  
The Neighbourhood-I Love You. (full album, listen to all of it)  
The Last Shadow Puppets-My Mistakes Were Made For You  
_

_Misery Loves Company is dedicated to everyone who has ever had a mental disorder. _

_Thanks again, I love you :)_

* * *

_UPDATE: My new SebastianxCiel fic is out. It's called Pretense. Go read it!  
Please show it lots of love, or don't, that's fine too :)  
_


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